I was in a really abusive relationship and the pain won't go away

[TVtrays]

She was abusive but I love her, I can't handle losing her, and this is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I tried 6 times to ctb in the past 2 weeks, had my birthday and it wasn't good. I'm in so much pain. All the ways in which she hurt me keep torturing me all day every day through intrusive thoughts and it just won't go away. Can't afford therapy and I go to bed every nigjt hoping i won't wake up in the morning. I just want to feel better but it's been months. I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I'm being tortured and it isn't getting better.

 

[Tackingintothewind]

Which country are you from?

 

[WornOutLife]

Love can be really complex.

However, you deserve someone better who really shows you her love and treats you with respect. No need for toxic love.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Hope you can feel better soon.

Hugs and peace!

 

[Lostandlooking]

I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this. Has something happened these last few weeks that pushed you over the edge? You said it has been months since the breakup (I assume) but you made your attempts recently. You don't have to answer of course. Only if you feel it might help.

 

[TVtrays]

I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this. Has something happened these last few weeks that pushed you over the edge? You said it has been months since the breakup (I assume) but you made your attempts recently. You don't have to answer of course. Only if you feel it might help.

All the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. We were living together until a couple months ago and she was always blaming me for everything and rubbing her new relationship in my face and comparing me to her new girlfriend.

 

[Red]

Aw hon big hugs for you - consider yourself lucky that you got out! Now is the start of your new life without her abusing you and blaming you for stuff that has nothing to do with you!!

I know that it's easy to get attached, even to those that treat us so abysmally- but now is the time to count your blessings and to live your life without the weight of her upon your shoulders

Make a list of all the things you cannot do that you couldn't before when you were with her - this may help highlight your newfound freedom a little. Do not internalise what she says to you - if she's still kicking off at you after getting out of the relationship it's SHE that is the problem!

Walk round the house in your pants, belching and farting! Drink milk from the carton! Good riddance to bad rubbish - you deserve more

 

[TVtrays]

Aw hon big hugs for you - consider yourself lucky that you got out! Now is the start of your new life without her abusing you and blaming you for stuff that has nothing to do with you!!

I know that it's easy to get attached, even to those that treat us so abysmally- but now is the time to count your blessings and to live your life without the weight of her upon your shoulders

Make a list of all the things you cannot do that you couldn't before when you were with her - this may help highlight your newfound freedom a little. Do not internalise what she says to you - if she's still kicking off at you after getting out of the relationship it's SHE that is the problem!

Walk round the house in your pants, belching and farting! Drink milk from the carton! Good riddance to bad rubbish - you deserve more

Thank you so much for your reply.
She's floated the idea of getting back together while expressing doubts, sent me an instrument to measure my ring finger for a promise ring, and said we may be able to move in together again and it's both enticing and frightening. Whether I go along with that or not, I'm terrified of what might happen. I know I'm in for a great deal of prolonged pain and I'm tired of it. I want it to go away, I'm tired of it. It rules my life and I feel ot every moment of every day.

 

[timf]

Injuries always take time to heal. The person you describe sounds like someone who would torture small animals. If you mistakenly opened your heart to a toxic person, you can learn to identify what about them should have tipped you off that they had this character defect.

Healing can go more quickly when your focus shifts from feeling loss to being thankful that someone so hurtful has moved on to another victim.

 

[noaccount]

You deserve better than a relationship that causes you so much fear.

 

[Firegirl]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I've been in a similar relationship myself a few years ago, wlw as well. I know you love her. I know it's confusing because all you want is for her to love you back but yet you keep getting hurt. Abusers tend to make us dependent on them! They give affection then take it away and they do this continuously. The only way to truly heal is to GET OUT OF THE CYCLE! I would advise for you to not get back with her regardless of what she tells you because it's not going to be a healthy situation most likely. The reason why i advise this is due to my own experience. I took my abuser back because she promised to change and then she ended up sexually abusing me for months until i finally cut her off completely. I felt foolish for believing her when she said she'd change. If there's one bit of advice i can give it's honestly to not go back! You are worth so much more!

 

[Off The Air]

I'm so sorry. I really hope you know that its not you and that you are worth it. I know you love her. You might continue to for a long time and it will confuse you, but please do not return to an abusive life. I myself was in a very toxic relationship for years and we have been apart for years more and I still have feelings of love for them, despite everything. I hope you know that its okay to have all of these conflicting emotions, and that you aren't alone. I know it's scary and difficult and I really really wish you the best!

I'm so sorry. I really hope you know that its not you and that you are worth it. I know you love her. You might continue to for a long time and it will confuse you, but please do not return to an abusive life. I myself was in a very toxic relationship for years and we have been apart for years more and I still have feelings of love for them, despite everything. I hope you know that its okay to have all of these conflicting emotions, and that you aren't alone. I know it's scary and difficult and I really really wish you the best!

I also just realized that this was posted quite a while ago, so I hope things have been getting better for you

 

[TVtrays]

I'm so sorry. I really hope you know that its not you and that you are worth it. I know you love her. You might continue to for a long time and it will confuse you, but please do not return to an abusive life. I myself was in a very toxic relationship for years and we have been apart for years more and I still have feelings of love for them, despite everything. I hope you know that its okay to have all of these conflicting emotions, and that you aren't alone. I know it's scary and difficult and I really really wish you the best!

I also just realized that this was posted quite a while ago, so I hope things have been getting better for you

Thank you.

In July of last year, I had surgery and she chose the day after my surgery while I was in pain/ on painkillers to berate me. She attacked me for my inability to respond with anything beyond one word apologies. Try being articulate on oxy and fentanyl. I blocked her on everything and never looked back. She tried to apologize to me by contacting my friends and she blamed her abuse on her schizophrenia. I unblocked her for the sole purpose of telling her in a lengthy message that we will never be acquainted again and not to try and contact me again. Schizophrenia doesn't turn people into abusers. Schizophrenia doesn't make people weaponize their partner's suicidality, promising to help me ctb, then telling me she'd rather do it herself with her new partner. I'm friends with her ex friends, and there are many. There are more burned bridges in her life than in all of Ukraine right now. They regard her as a dangerous individual. It feels good to have so many people who've got my back.
I'm still recovering. I'm burned out. I can barely manage getting through school. I've discovered new passions but I have no energy left to pursue them. I was subjected to extreme stress for so long that my body has had enough. I'm in my mid 20s but I fear I've lost what should've been another couple decades of youthful energy. I'm afraid the road ends here.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

sent me an instrument to measure my ring finger for a promise ring, and said we may be able to move in together again and it's both enticing and frightening. Whether I go along with that or not, I'm terrified of what might happen. I know I'm in for a great deal of prolonged pain and I'm tired of it.

Don't go back to them. Walk away. I don't think I ever recovered from some stuff in the most toxic relationship/s I've been in. I have CPTSD though, so repeated traumas just make things worse for me.

 

[noaccount]

Hey for what it's worth I want to say thank you for recognizing that psych labels don't mean that people are or will be abusive.

I've discovered new passions but I have no energy left to pursue them.

I've spent a lot of time struggling with something similar. :-\

 

[Regen]

I am so sorry. I know exactly what you mean.

I was in an abusive relationship for many years. I tried to leave him for many years but I couldn't and kept going back to him.
He also left me many times, it was part of his way of hurting me and controlling me. When I was left it was by far the worst feeling of my life every time. The pain was unbearable. I tried to kill myself several times. I went completely crazy with pain.

I could only survive because I had a good friend to go to. There I sat on the couch and just went along with her life, so I wasn't alone.

I think the separation destroyed me so much because I have great abandonment fears from my childhood. I always feel alone, in that relationship I felt less alone, even though I was in pain there too because he did bad things to me. But the pain of abandonment was greater.

I have been away from him for several years now. I never thought I would be able to do this. And I never thought I could live without him. Sometimes it still hurts. But it's no longer that crushing pain that is unbearable.

Do you have friends? Is there free counseling in your country? Is there anything free in counseling at the church? (There is no talk about God in our country). I wish you very much, you find a way, I know the pain is unbearable. And it sounds like a phrase when you say the pain will end, but it will end. I feel for you...

Die Heilung kann schneller gehen, wenn sich Ihr Fokus vom Gefühl des Verlustes auf die Dankbarkeit dafür verlagert, dass jemand, der so verletzend ist, zu einem anderen Opfer übergegangen ist.

That's really true. Thanks for leaving me, now I can be the person I really be. When i am angry and sad with the new girlfriend of him i think what He do with her, how He Hurts her too. And when my Heart wants to him, i think if i really want to be with him Just now and with this abusive words He say? I think to the abusive Things and Not to the lovely Times with him.