Deleted member 18655
Enlightened
- Jun 4, 2020
- 1,422
I was afraid of what my body was going to go through, presuming I keep the SN down. I was fearing what I've been reading about and then I realised that I've probably been in training for this all along and that it'll be okay.
I binged/purged yesterday. Twice. Usually after I throw up I get a hypoglycemic episode that's usually taken care of with a few pieces of candy or a piece of fruit and passes within minutes. Not last night. I was a little dizzy and my vision was a little blurry but it got so much worse: I was sweating profusely, I couldn't focus at all and I couldn't figure out what I was doing. I was holding my phone, trying to read posts here but names started swirling around my mind - was I reading them or just thinking about them or had I met these people? - I really couldn't tell. (This happens maybe once every year or so). I didn't know how long it lasted and I didn't know if I was awake through the whiole thing. Somehow I got up and went to the fridge for an apple and laid back down to eat it, with a fan on me full power.
What I do know is that, when it hit me how "out" of it I was, a smile came to my face, a peace came over me and I realised that the panic and disorientation that happened can't be that far away from how it feels when SN kicks in.
After 35+ years, bulimia has finally revealed it purpose for my life lol. I'm more than okay with that! It takes a huge weight off, worrying about the inevitable day. The last thing on my list is overcoming the taste. It will be possible.
I binged/purged yesterday. Twice. Usually after I throw up I get a hypoglycemic episode that's usually taken care of with a few pieces of candy or a piece of fruit and passes within minutes. Not last night. I was a little dizzy and my vision was a little blurry but it got so much worse: I was sweating profusely, I couldn't focus at all and I couldn't figure out what I was doing. I was holding my phone, trying to read posts here but names started swirling around my mind - was I reading them or just thinking about them or had I met these people? - I really couldn't tell. (This happens maybe once every year or so). I didn't know how long it lasted and I didn't know if I was awake through the whiole thing. Somehow I got up and went to the fridge for an apple and laid back down to eat it, with a fan on me full power.
What I do know is that, when it hit me how "out" of it I was, a smile came to my face, a peace came over me and I realised that the panic and disorientation that happened can't be that far away from how it feels when SN kicks in.
After 35+ years, bulimia has finally revealed it purpose for my life lol. I'm more than okay with that! It takes a huge weight off, worrying about the inevitable day. The last thing on my list is overcoming the taste. It will be possible.
