I want to try everything in order not to ctb. Or at least a lot. So that i don't have to blame me when i finally ctb. It gives me a kind of strength to underego a lot of pain. The knowledge that there will be a way out gives me hope. Even if i try and it is very likely that everything will fail i still can end my existence. I am not sure when it will end. It depends on the choices i will make in the next few months.
There is a dangerous path i could go. Maybe i am forced to choose it because i am running out of options. It is really likely that my life will become way worse in the future. And it makes me panic a lot. I am trying things whereas i am pretty convinced they will fail. Just to make sure i did not overlook an opportunity. I am pretty desperate, all i am doing is playing for time. Everything is a joke. Nevertheless i am scared of the time when even my last glimps of hope vanish. Not sure what will happen...
There is a dangerous path i could go. Maybe i am forced to choose it because i am running out of options. It is really likely that my life will become way worse in the future. And it makes me panic a lot. I am trying things whereas i am pretty convinced they will fail. Just to make sure i did not overlook an opportunity. I am pretty desperate, all i am doing is playing for time. Everything is a joke. Nevertheless i am scared of the time when even my last glimps of hope vanish. Not sure what will happen...
