Josuyo
No, I do not like life, take it away please
- Oct 17, 2021
- 92
I really hope I can succeed in a method soon. I am gravitating towards hanging, it seems like the most accessible and successful method.
I failed to die back in November when I was so close as medical services got to me but as I understand if they didn't I would've likely died.
I don't know how to explain what I feel. I have something up with my brain. Most the time I feel nothing, not numb, I do get numb when I'm depressed but no it's like I'm just neutral with no emotion. And then I feel incredibly intense pain and turmoil and I'm hysterical.
I don't have any real support. I've been on social media and I'll say how low I've been or how I've been struggling and no one gives a fuck. I ask for a friend and for social support but everyone's too caught up in their own lives to ever give me a second thought. And it hurts because it will be people I leant and ear to and supported time and time again and this is just the reccuring issue. People use me and abuse me because I'm so easily manipulated and I get anxious about others wellbeing.
A few years ago my freind took their own life and its haunted me and I thought I needed to do better by others to prevent something like that again but no matter how helpful I am, how much I put myself out there, no matter how much effort I make to connect with other people, I am nothing to them. People cut me off so easily, people drop me so easily. There is nothing about me that makes people interested or want to keep me around.
I've been proved repeatedly that I am nothing. And I mean nothing.
I used to think if I worked hard enough I could get a job and freinds, maybe a partner, I realise now I sort of want a child. But I have none of those things. My disabilities put me at a huge disadvantage for work, I thought I had friends but they all drifted away once their mental health was sorted and I was no longer appealing as company. And that's the other thing I don't get either. I don't think I'm a particularly depressing person. I am generally positive and supportive and I try to engage in other people's interests, so I don't see what more people can want from me? Because I offer good things I'm sure of it but none of those people even need me around and I don't feel like I've really got anyone I can rely on or go to.
Every night I kind of pray I might have an aneurism or one of my seizures is fatal. I sort of hope I'll have a stroke or I'll stop breathing. I pray to any higher power because on a lot of attempts I've struggled with pushing through the survival instinct and with it even taken over unconsciously. I regret every day that I didn't go someone even more remote than I did on my first almost successful attempt.
And I hate that part of me sort of hopes I could get everything I want when I know very well I am stuck in this cycle of abuse and depression.
Maybe I'll be lucky and taken out by chance but I really hope my next attempt succeeds. I wish the world was better to me but I find so much more peice of mind in death.
I failed to die back in November when I was so close as medical services got to me but as I understand if they didn't I would've likely died.
I don't know how to explain what I feel. I have something up with my brain. Most the time I feel nothing, not numb, I do get numb when I'm depressed but no it's like I'm just neutral with no emotion. And then I feel incredibly intense pain and turmoil and I'm hysterical.
I don't have any real support. I've been on social media and I'll say how low I've been or how I've been struggling and no one gives a fuck. I ask for a friend and for social support but everyone's too caught up in their own lives to ever give me a second thought. And it hurts because it will be people I leant and ear to and supported time and time again and this is just the reccuring issue. People use me and abuse me because I'm so easily manipulated and I get anxious about others wellbeing.
A few years ago my freind took their own life and its haunted me and I thought I needed to do better by others to prevent something like that again but no matter how helpful I am, how much I put myself out there, no matter how much effort I make to connect with other people, I am nothing to them. People cut me off so easily, people drop me so easily. There is nothing about me that makes people interested or want to keep me around.
I've been proved repeatedly that I am nothing. And I mean nothing.
I used to think if I worked hard enough I could get a job and freinds, maybe a partner, I realise now I sort of want a child. But I have none of those things. My disabilities put me at a huge disadvantage for work, I thought I had friends but they all drifted away once their mental health was sorted and I was no longer appealing as company. And that's the other thing I don't get either. I don't think I'm a particularly depressing person. I am generally positive and supportive and I try to engage in other people's interests, so I don't see what more people can want from me? Because I offer good things I'm sure of it but none of those people even need me around and I don't feel like I've really got anyone I can rely on or go to.
Every night I kind of pray I might have an aneurism or one of my seizures is fatal. I sort of hope I'll have a stroke or I'll stop breathing. I pray to any higher power because on a lot of attempts I've struggled with pushing through the survival instinct and with it even taken over unconsciously. I regret every day that I didn't go someone even more remote than I did on my first almost successful attempt.
And I hate that part of me sort of hopes I could get everything I want when I know very well I am stuck in this cycle of abuse and depression.
Maybe I'll be lucky and taken out by chance but I really hope my next attempt succeeds. I wish the world was better to me but I find so much more peice of mind in death.
