There is a party of one of my friends soon I won't go to it. I don't have time on that date. Moreover I am glad I won't be there. My friends invited people who I know from my school time. They were once somewhat of friends to me. But they pragged about money, having a gf and they were not always compassionate concerning my suffering. Yeah I stopped contact with them at all. I think some of them wonder why. I just feel ashamed about my life. I am very sensitve on some issues and I don't want to spend time with people don't get my situation anyway.
I like parties when only my close people are around me. Though my friends often prefer to invite people who are not that close to me. It is hard for me to spend the day with a crowd of people and I don't know all of them/ or I don't want to open myself. It is really hard for me to keep quiet about my suffering for a whole day when I am around them. The party atmosphere is toxic for me. It feels so artificially happy that it makes me sad. I try to suppress my negative thoughts but it is very counterproductive not having a valve.
I hate being around the people of my past except my best friends. I hope all these people forget me. I think the shame is my main impetus for it. So many people bullied me and they achieved their goal they destroyed me. I am broken. I am a wreck. My best friend once met one of my worst bullies. My bully asked what I am currently doing. My best friend told him the truth and I was so mad at my friend because of it. We don't have many topics we argument about but this is one. He finds my behavior kind of ridiculous and says he don't want to lie about such stuff and get in uncomfortable situations. I said if I can't change his mind on that he has to stop telling me about such stories. Maybe ignorance is the best for me in this case.
Though he told me about another guy from school-time who messaged him a time ago. We knew us from school. I told my best friend I don't want to know about these peopl tooe. This person did not bully me. But he had profile picture with an amazing looking gf..and yes I am resentful and bitter. I just want to forget about all of this. Just forget about my life. About all this traumatizing events. People who hurt me. Or even people who remind me of my life as a teenager.
Life is so fucking unfair and cynical.
I like parties when only my close people are around me. Though my friends often prefer to invite people who are not that close to me. It is hard for me to spend the day with a crowd of people and I don't know all of them/ or I don't want to open myself. It is really hard for me to keep quiet about my suffering for a whole day when I am around them. The party atmosphere is toxic for me. It feels so artificially happy that it makes me sad. I try to suppress my negative thoughts but it is very counterproductive not having a valve.
I hate being around the people of my past except my best friends. I hope all these people forget me. I think the shame is my main impetus for it. So many people bullied me and they achieved their goal they destroyed me. I am broken. I am a wreck. My best friend once met one of my worst bullies. My bully asked what I am currently doing. My best friend told him the truth and I was so mad at my friend because of it. We don't have many topics we argument about but this is one. He finds my behavior kind of ridiculous and says he don't want to lie about such stuff and get in uncomfortable situations. I said if I can't change his mind on that he has to stop telling me about such stories. Maybe ignorance is the best for me in this case.
Though he told me about another guy from school-time who messaged him a time ago. We knew us from school. I told my best friend I don't want to know about these peopl tooe. This person did not bully me. But he had profile picture with an amazing looking gf..and yes I am resentful and bitter. I just want to forget about all of this. Just forget about my life. About all this traumatizing events. People who hurt me. Or even people who remind me of my life as a teenager.
Life is so fucking unfair and cynical.
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