Venting I want to cut all social bonds

[foggyskies_]

Hi. Been a while. I guess I come here when my vents are too awful for normal people but I still need advice. Sorry for taking up this space.

I just feel so burdened by having relationships to other people. I like having friends but these damn phones make me feel obligated all the time. Everyone has an Instagram or a Discord everyone wants to keep in touch. It's too much for me to handle. I hate that if I'm too tired or apathetic or anxious to respond to someone, it means I've "ghosted" them. Every person I want to make meaningful connections with face to face becomes another loose end I see everytime I open my damn phone. It raises my heart rate. I don't like it, I can't handle it. I wasn't built for this. I can hardly handle navigating people with normal brains, finding normal topics of conversation. Or if I do organically click with someone, chances are it's a male and I have to spend more time worrying if he secretly has an agenda, because as much as I hate it you can never have an adult friendship with a man without someone thinking there's an expectation. I don't like romantic implications, I don't even feel romantic love most of the time. The only reason I have a girlfriend is because of a bunch of circumstances I got roped into. I hate that people can google my name or certain details about me and immediately find out my identity. I want to never have been known. I want complete anonymity. I'm so tired of all of it. I've been trying to ctb so frequently the past few months. I hurt myself almost daily- be it medications or knives or not treating my wounds. I wish it would kill me already. I hope I die so I don't have the pressure of being someone's friend, being a student, being a worker or needing money or all this myriad of things to be a human all of it all of it everyone can see me, everyone sees and the social network is so complex that I'll never navigate it all. The bar to entry for humanity is too high, I don't want to be here anymore. I want to take more pills and sleep for longer but my body hurts from being still for so long. My arms are numb from the CNS depressants and I'm getting bedsores again. Why can't I just die already?

 

[finallydone]

well let me tell you a little story about myself, i once cut all my social bonds for 2 years, stopped calling friends or answering their calls, stopped going to school, minimized my "shopping" time to the point where i almost had nothing to wear (funnily enough i still kinda do), i even stopped going to the barber and started cutting my hair by my own, it got so bad to the point that the last 6 months i spent everyday in the house just watching anime and going for some 70m sprints every other day a couple of times during the day

Looking back at it now i think that that was one of the dumbest decisions i took in my life so i advise you not to do the same, these 2 years weren't just tough and sad at the time but also made my already fucked up brain a lot more fucked up in record time and i might never recover from it till my death comes

 

[DevonBostick'sAss]

Eventually it will make you feel worse. At least it was like that for me. There will be a time where no one will talk to you so dont try to make it happen now. Have fun for now in the end its just you and you .

 

[im gonna grow wings]

are you me? i feel this way all the time. i enjoy having friends but having to maintain those bonds is so exhausting. i fight myself everyday and force myself to respond because if i don't, i'll have no one. and that scares me more than anything.

 

[Hollowman]

I ruined all my social bonds. I can't make new ones. Except for my mom I'm alone and it's not good.