I want to ctb but my SI does not let me

[LifeSucks39]

What should I do?

 

[I screwed up]

U r not alone my friend... Sorry cant help you... I think SI is the biggest reason why a majority of us are still here. My SI is so freakin bad I m even scared to arrange for SN which is my method. Wish we were not programmed to want to survive.
Hope some day I feel so low and depressed I do it impulsively..

 

[noaccount]

self injury? suicidal ideation?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Hope some day I feel so low and depressed I do it impulsively

I feel like this is the most reliable way to do it, we don´t know how we feel on the date we picked (although respect to those who can follow through with a date) but what I mean is on that specific date you might not feel as low as you would another.

I feel I need to feel extra low when the day comes to motivate me to actually do it on impulse, even though every day is a nightmare for me I get those days where it´s extra bad and that is when I should be attempting. And also even though I would like to plan a whole day that ends with me ctb but I think it will be done on impulse when the time comes.

 

[Bct]

I feel like this is the most reliable way to do it, we don´t know how we feel on the date we picked (although respect to those who can follow through with a date) but what I mean is on that specific date you might not feel as low as you would another.

I feel I need to feel extra low when the day comes to motivate me to actually do it on impulse, even though every day is a nightmare for me I get those days where it´s extra bad and that is when I should be attempting. And also even though I would like to plan a whole day that ends with me ctb but I think it will be done on impulse when the time comes.

Me too. It feels weird to CTB when the feeling isn't there. During March I was so sure I would CTB around that month, but 2 days before my plan suddenly my feeling was changed. Still weird for being alive since my current circumstances now become worse, LOL.

 

[Talokin]

This is my terrifying reality as well. I've wanted to not exist for over 2 decades. It just increases as the misery compounds. Yet, I'm terrified of going through with it. I planned to use CO, and figured out how to test it to ensure I had enough to be gone within minutes.
But I keep putting off ordering all the supplies. (I do not think it's because I still having some hope.
Among other things, I've been trying to get ECT because I've tried most everything else and I'm that desperate, but can't even get that. Everything else that could make me smile is absent or brings a smile for only brief moments - followed by staring in the middle distance because, whatever. The pain is too damn much.

 

[Velvet Elektra]

self injury? suicidal ideation?

Survival Instinct??

 

[LMLN]

Well, some part of you wants to survive. I know it's frustrating, it means living in pain. I'm in that same place.

 

[niloc]

Yes, that's the hardest part. Somehow your body wants to survive when you know you've only got to take a few actions within a few seconds and it would be all over. Somehow I think i'm just being tortured so that once I finally hit my lowest day, it may let me finally do it - the issue is I've gotta hit that day - I give it a few weeks to get there and I'll be ready.

 

[I screwed up]

Sometimes I feel it would be easier to hire someone to kill you .... Is that a plausible method ? What do u guys feel

 

[St. Jimmy]

Sometimes I feel it would be easier to hire someone to kill you .... Is that a plausible method ? What do u guys feel

Before I got my will (primarily the guardianship bit) put together, I was terrified of dying or accidentally being killed in some way. Now that I've got it all figured out, I welcome it every day. But it's just my luck that it doesn't happen.

I also think that a lot of people who aren't suicidal, don't realize how difficult it can be to actually go through with ctbing. They they think that just because the thought is there, that it's going to happen instantly. Nobody tells you that it can takes weeks, months, or even years to plan out. Even then, part of that planning process includes getting past that SI, which is my main problem. I've got the materials, I've got the location, I've got the money to execute it--but trying to mentally prepare myself for it is a bitch.

That's why I wish I would get struck by lightening, or get hit by drunk driver. Going by your own hand is actually quite difficult.

 

[Desky]

What should I do?

Pay an assassin to kill you, hard to come by sometimes

 

[niloc]

Sometimes I feel it would be easier to hire someone to kill you .... Is that a plausible method ? What do u guys feel

I would love to have this happen. Just have them take me out when I'm sleeping or not paying attention randomly.

 

[Desky]

SI = Shark Insurance

 

[rhiino]

Yeah, SI is a bitch if you want to ctb. I wanted to jump, but the fear to jump from such a height was just too much, I did not think of that. It is not exactly SI, but still a primitive instinct to not fall down somewhere deep. I had no idea how strong that is.

 

[Meditation guide]

I feel like this is the most reliable way to do it, we don´t know how we feel on the date we picked (although respect to those who can follow through with a date) but what I mean is on that specific date you might not feel as low as you would another.

I feel I need to feel extra low when the day comes to motivate me to actually do it on impulse, even though every day is a nightmare for me I get those days where it´s extra bad and that is when I should be attempting. And also even though I would like to plan a whole day that ends with me ctb but I think it will be done on impulse when the time comes.

I know what you mean. I had an episode of excruciating pain nothing could relieve and I wished I had a gun then. I tried a rope around my neck but nothing to hang it on, and tried a plastic trash bag over my head but took it off as I couldn't stand that, breathing my own carbon diozide. I was so desperate but no way to do it at all.
I'm horribly desperate and each day when I wake up I cannot stand it.