I want to ctb but keep putting it off....

[3cookies]

I seriously want to ctb before I'm no long able to without assistance. I want to die on my own terms and not this drawn out, slow, and epically painful way. But every time I set a date to ctb something happens and I postpone. Things that have happened: I was seriously sick & throwing up so I couldn't take my SN, my daughter was sick and needed me, my older daughter had her heart broken by some snot nose boy (ah puppy love in Jr high), I didn't realize it was the day before mother's day and figured that would be cruel to both my kids & mom, and most recently my younger daughter seriously sprained her ankle and we were at the ER got most of the night.
Well anyways what I'm trying to say is I really really want to ctb. In fact an hour ago I was crying because I'm still alive. My pain level was skyrocketing and all I could think of is I could be gone right now but I keep putting it off! I am depressed and angry tonight about it.

Has anyone else set multiple dates only to put it off each time? Did you ever get depressed and/or angry about it?

 

[sweet17sour29]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds very frustrating.
I understand what you mean with the feelings of depression and anger. I wanted to attempt tonight, but I'm so afraid of failing.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

I seriously want to ctb before I'm no long able to without assistance. I want to die on my own terms and not this drawn out, slow, and epically painful way. But every time I set a date to ctb something happens and I postpone. Things that have happened: I was seriously sick & throwing up so I couldn't take my SN, my daughter was sick and needed me, my older daughter had her heart broken by some snot nose boy (ah puppy love in Jr high), I didn't realize it was the day before mother's day and figured that would be cruel to both my kids & mom, and most recently my younger daughter seriously sprained her ankle and we were at the ER got most of the night.
Well anyways what I'm trying to say is I really really want to ctb. In fact an hour ago I was crying because I'm still alive. My pain level was skyrocketing and all I could think of is I could be gone right now but I keep putting it off! I am depressed and angry tonight about it.

Has anyone else set multiple dates only to put it off each time? Did you ever get depressed and/or angry about it?

First of all, hugs. Being a momma and needed is difficult as is, much less with this burning desire to CTB. The struggle is a real one.

May I ask why you are CTB? Is someone set up to take care of your children when you're gone?

 

[mathieu]

I have only once had a plan involving a method that would actually work and I ended up putting it off because of my dog. I felt I couldn't leave him at that time. There were times as a teenager when I intended to CTB but chickened out.