Unsure and Useless
Dreaming Endlessly, not Wanting to Wake Up
- Feb 7, 2023
- 531
It's already the beginning of March, and my grades are still abysmal. I keep being told to just "apply myself" and "try harder", but I don't know how to convey that I just want to spontaneously combust into flames and die. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I've simply lost the zest for life, and my academic performance absolutely reflects that. I don't even think I can make an academic comeback anymore
I can barely make it to my classes; my attendance record is literally a joke. I can barely bring myself to do my assignments, and most of the time I do, I have to rely on AI to guide me through it because, the whole time, I'm just yearning for death or for a mental escape from it all
I've heard it all by this point
Go to my university counselor? I did, and I'm only given 3 free sessions that are each meant to deal with small, non-related problems. Anything more than that will have to involve my health insurance and money (obviously). Involving my health insurance would immediately tip my parents off to what I'm doing, and they'd just berate me for seeking mental help. Paying out of pocket isn't reliable either because I don't have an income, and if I try to get one, my parents will demand that I just quit college since clearly getting a job is me saying that I don't want to focus on my studies
Build a schedule? I tried, and I only stuck to it for 4 days before my stupid ass brain gave up on it since I couldn't stay stick to it on one day
Talk to a professor? And tell them what? "Hey, yeah, I know I have a clean mental health record because no one in my family takes mental health seriously, but could you help me with my grades since I'm super fucking suicidal?" Even if they are receptive to my plea, what can they even do other than give me a pitiful referral to a mental health professor that I can't even afford?
CTB is the only way out. I dread the day the semester ends because, while school fills me with despair, having to tell my family that I fucked everything up AGAIN is even worse
Today, my mother called, and she basically sighed and lamented that she just wants me to finish college. It made me suicidal all over again because I know, in reality, I might have to take another year or two because I'm a failure of a human being
I want to CTB before the end of this spring semester (so the beginning of May basically), but I feel like I have to do it after spring break because my father seems to be looking forward to spending time together as a family. Plus, even though I have my rope, I've been hesitating over every little thing to actually go through with it. It's like my SI has decided its next strategy is to catastrophize everything
Oh, my rope is too long? Well, you can't cut it because, without fire, it'll cause the rope to fray and that'll ruin the FSH!
I didn't make a 1:1 recreation of a FSH when testing out my anchor point? Unfortunately, that might mean it's going to snap and you'll be a vegetable for the rest of your life!
This is all just rambling. Rambling repeating the same thing I say in every other post before it. Hell, if you've read my previous posts, you likely know what I was going to say after the first sentence. This has to be a sign that I just need to CTB already. The motivation is there, but nothing comes out of it and I'm tired of adding more reasons to CTB, only for it to result in nothing because I'm too much of a coward to just go through with FSH and end it all
But nope! I can't commit to that. Just like how I couldn't commit to my schedule or how I couldn't commit to the three threads I made for this specific purpose of venting by ranting on and on about the same problems in my life that won't ever be resolved because I'm a failure and can't even fix whatever the hell's wrong with me because I don't know what's wrong with me nor do I have the tools to do so other than some religion full of homophobic, pro-life kid diddlers
What is even the point of posting this? Ha, I bet I've said this exact same thing before. What do I even want anymore other than just wanting to END EVERYTHING?
I can barely make it to my classes; my attendance record is literally a joke. I can barely bring myself to do my assignments, and most of the time I do, I have to rely on AI to guide me through it because, the whole time, I'm just yearning for death or for a mental escape from it all
I've heard it all by this point
Go to my university counselor? I did, and I'm only given 3 free sessions that are each meant to deal with small, non-related problems. Anything more than that will have to involve my health insurance and money (obviously). Involving my health insurance would immediately tip my parents off to what I'm doing, and they'd just berate me for seeking mental help. Paying out of pocket isn't reliable either because I don't have an income, and if I try to get one, my parents will demand that I just quit college since clearly getting a job is me saying that I don't want to focus on my studies
Build a schedule? I tried, and I only stuck to it for 4 days before my stupid ass brain gave up on it since I couldn't stay stick to it on one day
Talk to a professor? And tell them what? "Hey, yeah, I know I have a clean mental health record because no one in my family takes mental health seriously, but could you help me with my grades since I'm super fucking suicidal?" Even if they are receptive to my plea, what can they even do other than give me a pitiful referral to a mental health professor that I can't even afford?
CTB is the only way out. I dread the day the semester ends because, while school fills me with despair, having to tell my family that I fucked everything up AGAIN is even worse
Today, my mother called, and she basically sighed and lamented that she just wants me to finish college. It made me suicidal all over again because I know, in reality, I might have to take another year or two because I'm a failure of a human being
I want to CTB before the end of this spring semester (so the beginning of May basically), but I feel like I have to do it after spring break because my father seems to be looking forward to spending time together as a family. Plus, even though I have my rope, I've been hesitating over every little thing to actually go through with it. It's like my SI has decided its next strategy is to catastrophize everything
Oh, my rope is too long? Well, you can't cut it because, without fire, it'll cause the rope to fray and that'll ruin the FSH!
I didn't make a 1:1 recreation of a FSH when testing out my anchor point? Unfortunately, that might mean it's going to snap and you'll be a vegetable for the rest of your life!
This is all just rambling. Rambling repeating the same thing I say in every other post before it. Hell, if you've read my previous posts, you likely know what I was going to say after the first sentence. This has to be a sign that I just need to CTB already. The motivation is there, but nothing comes out of it and I'm tired of adding more reasons to CTB, only for it to result in nothing because I'm too much of a coward to just go through with FSH and end it all
But nope! I can't commit to that. Just like how I couldn't commit to my schedule or how I couldn't commit to the three threads I made for this specific purpose of venting by ranting on and on about the same problems in my life that won't ever be resolved because I'm a failure and can't even fix whatever the hell's wrong with me because I don't know what's wrong with me nor do I have the tools to do so other than some religion full of homophobic, pro-life kid diddlers
What is even the point of posting this? Ha, I bet I've said this exact same thing before. What do I even want anymore other than just wanting to END EVERYTHING?
