I want to attempt tomorrow but I'm scared

[asfergrggdas]

I have CPTSD and even though it makes life a living hell it amplifies the survival instinct since you are constantly in fight or flight. So you are basically stuck in hell. Maybe I will try drinking if all else fails tomorrow, that is really all I have at my disposal to help this. Then if that fails it looks like abuse for me is what it is going to be for the foreseeable future. I'm really disappointed in myself. I blew a bunch of money that I don't even have on materials to try to do this. I am genuinely horrified at what my life is going to be over the next months if I don't ctb tomorrow. I constantly feel like I am going to throw up these days, nothing makes me happy not even good food not alcohol hell I even took some molly a year and a half ago and was miserable. I am exhausted all the time. My mind is going even though I am in my mid 20s from all these years of isolation and essentially a hikikomori lifestyle. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't even cry anymore about my life I am just dead inside from it. Misery is my baseline. You would think a loser like me with no friends, no real family, no pets, no social skills, no job, no resume, horrible constant debilitating flashbacks, no energy, no money, no home, no hope for myself or humanity, extremely abusive parents, and severe depression would have an easy time with all of this. I wake up every morning thinking about death and go to sleep every night thinking about death. I have thought about suicide every single day for the past 14 years. I've watched NDEs, read all the documented cases of children with past life memories, have my own anecdotal experiences and clues indicating there is something more than this and it is much better. Yet I can't do it when I need to do it.

 

[darksouls]

however you decide,
I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you deserve