Venting I wanna CTB but I like attention a lot

[offbalance]

I probably struggle with a cluster B disorder like BPD or NPD and I feel like attention from other people has kept me alive longer than I should have been. I'm not saying I don't have other aspects to me or I'm not a whole person but yeah. Just a leftover wound from childhood I suppose.
Laugh at me all you want

I have my other pleasures in life too even, I like my music and the colors of the day and making others feel good
But I feel like attention is like a heroin high, injected and forceful and not a genuine happiness but it hits all the same, you know it's artificial but I can't help but get fucking dopamine from this and I know this.

Overall Im just wondering if it's the reason I haven't committed to CTB fully, or maybe it is that among other reasons. Probably the latter but still something I noticed that stands out to me

I know people from fucking 4chan or just strangers or whatever are gonna laugh at this but whatever it's worth it to rant vulnerably and maybe one person can relate lmao
I've definitely gotten better in recent years it's just attention is a huge dopamine hit for me still. Just something I noticed

 

[kunikuzushi]

I'm a cluster B personality disorder mess and I relate to everything you said. Getting attention from people may not be real "happiness", but it sure feels amazing. And I feel like it's keeping me alive longer too and it's for no reason because after it just feels so empty. But yeah it's addicting

 

[offbalance]

I'm a cluster B personality disorder mess and I relate to everything you said. Getting attention from people may not be real "happiness", but it sure feels amazing. And I feel like it's keeping me alive longer too and it's for no reason because after it just feels so empty. But yeah it's addicting

Yeah I mean I've gotten better at ignoring it but yeah lol. Maybe its a big factor driving me to stay alive and I don't even realize it. It's like the intellectual part of me wants to forgo it but that emotional imprint, embedded deep, is a motivator. Even if the better part of you rejects it. Even if you're trying to do better. It really can derail things without your full realization. Not always but enough to notice it's an issue somewhat, even if not the main issue
It just feels too good and it genuinely distracts from what you should really be working on, which is the deep seated emotional and relational issues

 

[CaliguIa]

Im not diagnosed but I relate to this a lot. Sometimes i feel like Im borderline, sometimes manic sometimes depressed like bipolar and also sad vulnerable narcissist. Idk if I use ppl bcs im empty and need help and constant validation and a sense of connection to someone bc Im disconected myself or if Is got well id still use them for my own intersts. Hope its first case.

 

[AflacDuck]

If you like the attention you just might be onto something, IMO try becoming a social media influencer for people who wanna catch the bus, might give you a reason to live. If you decide to CTB no harm no foul.

 

[offbalance]

If you like the attention you just might be onto something, IMO try becoming a social media influencer for people who wanna catch the bus, might give you a reason to live. If you decide to CTB no harm no foul.

sounds like a very surface level solution and I frankly sense some hostility in your words but thanks for the advice I guess lmao. I'm just being real and writing about challenges

 

[AflacDuck]

sounds like a very surface level solution and I frankly sense some hostility in your words but thanks for the advice I guess lmao. I'm just being real and writing about challenges

I'm on amphetamines at the moment no hostility intended if I seem "edgy", but hopefully its useful advice.

 

[offbalance]

I'm on amphetamines at the moment no hostility intended if I seem "edgy", but hopefully its useful advice.

Yeah I guess I see what you're getting at, I like writing my thoughts on here cuz it gets attention but it's the kind where people relate to me. A sense of community if you will, which we all need. We don't have enough of that in this world, if we did we definitely wouldn't have as much needy people