Hello friends.
I've been missing you. It's a shame I can't directly chat with you all, but I guess posting in this threads will do.
As the clock is reaching midnight, another day passes. I am still doing well. I still have food. A full fridge. Health. And most importantly, my mom. She is an angel, I mean it in the most literal of senses. She is not human. She is still as energetic and alive as ever before. Finding new ways to continue with her charity, and helping others, to lift their hearts and souls in this times. And in this, she finds new opportunities, new grounds to grow on. She may come out of this better than she came in.
I am blessed with all this. And I have wanted to appreciate it. To live one day at a time. To enjoy my time here. And it has worked, somewhat. This week went rather well, I had good days. Sometimes I felt so calm it felt almost like it was before... this all begun.
Sadly yesterday I began feeling the dread again. The fear, and sadness, take over me again. As I come to appreciate my mom for how incredible she is, and for how safe she makes me feel, I fear the day she won't be with me. Up until this point, I felt safe, since she has done so much to secure me a future even without her. She has saved a lot of money for our poor country standards, and done her best to ensure I would have a future regardless of her being in it or not. But now I feel my the bubble has burst. That she can't protect me from this future. That, for as long as I am with her, I will be safe, both from any harm and from sadness, that she will comfort me, that she will lift me up, and keep a smile on my face, no matter how much I want to cry.
But she will be gone. Probably soon, with all the events happening around us. I will be left without such a great mother, and incredible human being... without her safety, and reassurance. I want to reassure myself that, the day that happens, I will CTB. I won't stay to look at a world without her. I refuse to.
I fear also seeing her fall... she is still up, still strong, still shinning... but all candles burn out. All lights go out, and the darkness always prevails... I fear I may see her light go out while she is still breathing. I don't wanna see that. It horrifies me to see this fiery fire that burns within her to go dark. I think I fear this even more than her dying... at least she will die with that fire burning within her until her last breath... she deserves that... she deserves to feel the warmth of the fire until she may feel no more.
I hope, but I don't wanna hope, I just want to accept... but I hope that day may not come. Not yet. Not now. I need her. Many people need her now. I dearly hope not to loose her now, nor to see her fire burn out. And that I may be able to be able to live one day at a time again.
And if all of that fails... I just hope for our demise to be swift for both of us. May Death be merciful.
I am unsure of what else to say. I have lost all hope... or perhaps I wish I had lost of all hope. For in hopelessness I may fear no more.
I don't wanna say it, but... I wish things would be normal again. It hurts a lot to say it, or to think about it.
My friends, once again, I am glad to talk with you all again, and I would love to hear from you. I hope you are all doing well, and finding pleasure in the little things of life. That you may have found joy in life... for I know you will find peace in death.
I've been missing you. It's a shame I can't directly chat with you all, but I guess posting in this threads will do.
As the clock is reaching midnight, another day passes. I am still doing well. I still have food. A full fridge. Health. And most importantly, my mom. She is an angel, I mean it in the most literal of senses. She is not human. She is still as energetic and alive as ever before. Finding new ways to continue with her charity, and helping others, to lift their hearts and souls in this times. And in this, she finds new opportunities, new grounds to grow on. She may come out of this better than she came in.
I am blessed with all this. And I have wanted to appreciate it. To live one day at a time. To enjoy my time here. And it has worked, somewhat. This week went rather well, I had good days. Sometimes I felt so calm it felt almost like it was before... this all begun.
Sadly yesterday I began feeling the dread again. The fear, and sadness, take over me again. As I come to appreciate my mom for how incredible she is, and for how safe she makes me feel, I fear the day she won't be with me. Up until this point, I felt safe, since she has done so much to secure me a future even without her. She has saved a lot of money for our poor country standards, and done her best to ensure I would have a future regardless of her being in it or not. But now I feel my the bubble has burst. That she can't protect me from this future. That, for as long as I am with her, I will be safe, both from any harm and from sadness, that she will comfort me, that she will lift me up, and keep a smile on my face, no matter how much I want to cry.
But she will be gone. Probably soon, with all the events happening around us. I will be left without such a great mother, and incredible human being... without her safety, and reassurance. I want to reassure myself that, the day that happens, I will CTB. I won't stay to look at a world without her. I refuse to.
I fear also seeing her fall... she is still up, still strong, still shinning... but all candles burn out. All lights go out, and the darkness always prevails... I fear I may see her light go out while she is still breathing. I don't wanna see that. It horrifies me to see this fiery fire that burns within her to go dark. I think I fear this even more than her dying... at least she will die with that fire burning within her until her last breath... she deserves that... she deserves to feel the warmth of the fire until she may feel no more.
I hope, but I don't wanna hope, I just want to accept... but I hope that day may not come. Not yet. Not now. I need her. Many people need her now. I dearly hope not to loose her now, nor to see her fire burn out. And that I may be able to be able to live one day at a time again.
And if all of that fails... I just hope for our demise to be swift for both of us. May Death be merciful.
I am unsure of what else to say. I have lost all hope... or perhaps I wish I had lost of all hope. For in hopelessness I may fear no more.
I don't wanna say it, but... I wish things would be normal again. It hurts a lot to say it, or to think about it.
My friends, once again, I am glad to talk with you all again, and I would love to hear from you. I hope you are all doing well, and finding pleasure in the little things of life. That you may have found joy in life... for I know you will find peace in death.
