Venting I tried my best, but I still have to hang.

[Illegal Preclear]

It's not fair. I tried my best to give life one more shot. I'm working with a Psychiatrist who's helping me taper off Depakote and Risperidone but it isn't working. The crap is building up in my liver too fast and I'm in agonizing physical pain all the time now. My hair is falling out because of it. I can't think because of it. Every day the mental suffering gets work. I have a therapist who listens kindly but it isn't helping. I have a great social worker but it isn't enough. It's too late for me. Psychiatry has destroyed me. I can't taper off these drugs any faster than I already have been. The only break I get is sleep and now I can't even do that because the TMJ and Akasthisia attacks from the meds are so bad.

Everyone told me therapy would work if I "put the work in". I did this time. I'm still disabled. I'm doing my best in life right now but when a disabled person puts 100% effort in they'll still get 50% of the results of an able person. I can't accept that. I can't accept that doing my best is enough. It's not like I get anything out of doing my best. I have ME/CFS so putting in the extra effort just makes me feel worn and sick and anhedonia leaves my brain with no reward system. There is scientifically no point to anything I do. Every day I feel sicker and sicker and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish we lived in an enlightened society which would allow disabled people to be Euthanized, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

I have the rope in my closet ready to go. The noose is tied. But I'm so fucking scared for some reason. Why am I scared? I want to die more than anything at this point. I hate being stuck in this purgatory of being too afraid to hang. I apologize if this is the 5th or 6th nearly identical post I've made like this but I have too many memory issues due to brain damage to keep track. The only things holding me back are my own fear of botching the hanging (I have to do it in a place that's less than ideal now, see my previous posts) and the fact this is really going to hurt my parents (but they're obviously going to die before me then I'll have no one to help me live and I'll HAVE TO DIE).

Somebody tell me something that will give me the courage to either hang or find a CTB method that doesn't scare me so much.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I have the rope in my closet ready to go. The noose is tied. But I'm so fucking scared for some reason. Why am I scared? I want to die more than anything at this point.

The last few months of my life have gone this way. Way too scared. I hope you find relief one way or another. There's always the megathread

 

[Illegal Preclear]

The last few months of my life have gone this way. Way too scared. I hope you find relief one way or another. There's always the megathread

Thank you. The megathread is actually what guided me on what rope to buy!

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Thank you. The megathread is actually what guided me on what rope to buy!

I've got the rope, the anchor point, and the know-how...and stepping down to weight that rope seems a billion miles away. How do people have the willpower? The clarity of mind?

 

[madameviolette]

I'm sorry this happened to you as well. Akathisia is a purgatory itself.

Why not staying on the meds if coming off is awful ?

 

[onlyway96]

I don't think you're lacking in courage you're showing a shit load of it by living each day 'cos it's living that's the hardest thing to do. Im so sorry you're in so much pain.

 

[itsgone2]

Somebody tell me something that will give me the courage to either hang or find a CTB method that doesn't scare me so much.

I'm so sorry. I'm going through this too. So many here are. There doesn't seem to be any advice for taking that last step. I'm trying to switch to gun but as scared of making the purchase as I am of that last step.

 

[lpdsvm]

I am not sure but, when I did pushups, I did a bit better by thinking about all the bad people and other idiots that cause issues in my life. So yeah... Just better push. Not too much but it helped me do a bit more

 

[Illegal Preclear]

I've got the rope, the anchor point, and the know-how...and stepping down to weight that rope seems a billion miles away. How do people have the willpower? The clarity of mind?

I don't know man. I've read a lot on the subject of hanging and even seen quite a few videos and I've learned it's really not supposed to hurt if you do it right. Also another reason I'm scared is because I have to use a different anchor spot now and it's not as ideal as the one I had before. A huge source of my fear is botching my attempt.

I do have a pretty ideal closet to do a partial hanging in, but I know partial isn't as reliable as full suspension and if you fail your brain goes into a state of a weird, waking half-coma I've heard described by some people on here.

I'm so sorry. I'm going through this too. So many here are. There doesn't seem to be any advice for taking that last step. I'm trying to switch to gun but as scared of making the purchase as I am of that last step.

I want so badly to be able to purchase a gun, but I can't, that's why I had to switch my method to hanging. I'd give anything to be able to have that kind of security in my method. Just the pull of a trigger and BLAM. Gone. It'd feel so satisfying to blast my broken brain into pieces all over the floor, too.

Why not staying on the meds if coming off is awful ?

Because staying on them is worse. I see your tagline says "another big pharma victim." I am too. It's a matter of pride that I want to die off of all these goddamn medications I was FORCED into taking in the institution. Meet death on my feet so to speak.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

@Illegal Preclear I keep reading the list of celebrities who hanged themselves. It can't be that hard!

I can buy a gun, btw, I just don't. Maybe tomorrow I can finally put one foot in front of the other and get one. I'll probably just whine on here, though.

 

[madameviolette]

I don't know man. I've read a lot on the subject of hanging and even seen quite a few videos and I've learned it's really not supposed to hurt if you do it right. Also another reason I'm scared is because I have to use a different anchor spot now and it's not as ideal as the one I had before. A huge source of my fear is botching my attempt.

I do have a pretty ideal closet to do a partial hanging in, but I know partial isn't as reliable as full suspension and if you fail your brain goes into a state of a weird, waking half-coma I've heard described by some people on here.


I want so badly to be able to purchase a gun, but I can't, that's why I had to switch my method to hanging. I'd give anything to be able to have that kind of security in my method. Just the pull of a trigger and BLAM. Gone. It'd feel so satisfying to blast my broken brain into pieces all over the floor, too.


Because staying on them is worse. I see your tagline says "another big pharma victim." I am too. It's a matter of pride that I want to die off of all these goddamn medications I was FORCED into taking in the institution. Meet death on my feet so to speak.

Ah alright I get it. Unfortunately reinstatement doesn't work for everyone. I'm sorry it happened to you as well

 

[Illegal Preclear]

@Illegal Preclear I keep reading the list of celebrities who hanged themselves. It can't be that hard!

I can buy a gun, btw, I just don't. Maybe tomorrow I can finally put one foot in front of the other and get one. I'll probably just whine on here, though.

Every time I see a Kate Spade commercial or a Robin Williams film comes on, I take it from a sign from beyond that everything will be okay. I've seen actual videos of people hanging themselves to get the hang of (no pun intended) how it's done. I've done everything I can to prepare myself for this. But we all as humans have to deal with Survival Instinct holding us back. The fear of the absolute permanence of death. This is why Disabled people should have the right to assisted suicide. I'm just a useless eater anyway. Nobody is benefitting me from me languishing here in pain, and not having to go through this alone would help me so greatly in moving forward with my suicide plans.

You're very lucky you can buy a gun, I envy you. I'd love to have that kind of security in my method. I wish you the best of luck in your path forward.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

You're very lucky you can buy a gun, I envy you. I'd love to have that kind of security in my method. I wish you the best of luck in your path forward.

I recently had an interview that could take that right away, though I could get away with a private party sale. I need to move fast. I can't fucking hang myself, it's too scary. I have rope burns on my hands from last time and I didn't even step all the way off. I need that gun.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Tuesday - I ended up buying rope again. If so many celebrities can do it, so can I.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

This is a trick I learned from the hanging megathread - try putting the rope over a hoodie. It makes everything more comfortable. I'm sitting here with the rope around my neck right now but I'm too much of a goddamn coward to anchor it to anything. I'm squeezing it though and feel like if I tried to do partial in my closet I'd be able to pass out this way.

 

[ireallywasnttogopls]

This is a trick I learned from the hanging megathread - try putting the rope over a hoodie. It makes everything more comfortable. I'm sitting here with the rope around my neck right now but I'm too much of a goddamn coward to anchor it to anything. I'm squeezing it though and feel like if I tried to do partial in my closet I'd be able to pass out this way.

which hanging megathread

 

[Illegal Preclear]

One of them. Probably one of the older ones. Same one I picked out my rope from. I might try partial in my closet with the hoodie on tonight. I'm reaching a critical status here where I need to be dead already. Everything about being alive just hurts and the mental health system just wants to milk money out of me.

 

[LastLightFade...]

I'm sorry about this. Really, hanging has a low chance of failure. I really hope you succeed, and the pain goes away. It fucking sucks you couldn't get help. Just know the suffering will end as soon as you're dead, hopefully there is some sort of peace that comes with death.

 

[Non_suicidal]

Something similar has happened to me, I'm gonna hang tonight from either midnight to 1:30pm

 

[Illegal Preclear]

These words bring me comfort, thank you. I need to stop shuffling my feet. Life is getting worse and worse by the day to where I spend half the day just bedrotting. I have a solid bar in my closet for partial and a railing over the stairs plus a ceiling fan for full. I might make a separate thread about the ceiling fan though because I'm not sure it will hold. Despite the fact most successful hanging videos I've seen have been from a ceiling fan. Those things are built to take a lot of weight.

 

[LastLightFade...]

Something similar has happened to me, I'm gonna hang tonight from either midnight to 1:30pm

I'm so sorry about this.