stardewwindceres
Flesh Coffin
- Oct 2, 2025
- 105
I didn't tell her the name or even what it was like, just that I found a place online where people openly discuss suicide without judgement and don't immediately try to talk you out of it, people who understand, things like that. And she wouldn't go looking anyway, In my almost 30 years of seeing doctors for some mental issue or another there has only been one other besides her that I can actually say I liked and, if they actually really don't, they were/are extremely good at acting like they give a shit about me and helping me. The other one retired and it took me forever to find her. It's very ironic that the one person I can tell I frequent this site is my actual psychiatrist. I even told her that I have been researching more ways to do it so that it is likely successful. Honestly, I was about maybe 3 percent worried that she would want me in the hospital, but she didn't. She told me from the very beginning right after I started seeing her a few times and she started to learn my history with mental illness that she essentially validates my experience with mental illness over her knowledge of it, regarding my case, and would not be pushing things onto me, etc. And she would never involuntarily have me locked up. I mean, if I showed up to her office or house or wherever with a gun or something that might be a different story. I don't know what she would do if I ever tried to commit suicide and it failed and I ended up in the ER- maybe then she would, I don't know, but it is really nice because it's just something I don't have to worry about with her and I can be open about what is going on in my head, which is why this came up. The one thing that sucks is that she is so busy, I only get to see her 3-4 times a year. She answers emails and returns phone calls promptly though, so I've talked to her a lot.
Sorry did my annoying getting off track thing. Anyway, A few weeks ago, I made short term decision that I would at least hold off on CTB until the beginning of next year. I figure, what's one more month and I am doing the extreme thing that I told myself I was never going to do again, ECT. This time though, the theory is that I do it the way it's usually done, for acute situations and issues and a short course of treatment. Not like last time, where the other doctor who actually does the ECT just kept telling me to come and over a year later I was still doing it.
It honestly could be a huge waste of time and do absolutely nothing. Or maybe I can get to a place where I can I don't know, think past the immediate suicidal thoughts and images that are just bombarding me whenever I am awake and, fuck, I don't know, it would open up some space at last. I have to get it scheduled- I wish she was the doctor I was going to deal with when it comes to this, but there is only one doctor at this practice who does it at the hospital. I am going to be able to do it outpatient thankfully. I am still waiting to be scheduled, but she suggested 10 treatments (they do them Monday, Wednesday, and Friday each week and I don't know what the schedule will be like Christmas week) I can't stand the doctor that does the ECT within the group practice of psychiatrists and therapists, I don't know if he makes any extra money off of this or if he's just lazy and would rather tell people to just keep doing it than try to work with them or if he's just a psycho or something, but this time, much unlike last time where I only had him giving me options and advice, I have the support of a doctor that actually does work with, me and takes my experiences and opinions into considerations and actually gives a shit/does a damg good job at pretending like she does- the deal as far as I'm concerned is that he's the means to the end, but I will be discussing the effectiveness and assessing things as we go with her.
I'm calling it a hail mary at this point. I have the option, I know what not to do this time, and I have someone else besides just the ECT doc to actually use while I'm doing it. I won't have an appoitment until whenever it's over, but she told me to email her whenever I need to and she would call. And she's always done that so I don't doubt she will. If it's a bust, well, the SN is still here. I don't see the point going through yet another year unless something can be different. At the very least, I have literally not left my house in over 5 years, except to take my dog out, to see my psychiatrist in the office every 3 months, and those few months I was going for the ketamine treatments that faild spectacularly. So, literally, just being able to leave the house would be a step in a good direction. I don't know what I'm thinking this is going to accomplish really. or how. I know I'm reaching here and just plain desperate. Ever since I got the SN and meto I've felt like I actually have the option to CTB with a mostly successful outcome. This time I'll be doing the ECT in a short course of treatment, like it should be done. If it's a waste? When it's a waste? Well, I've got a box in the closet.
Anyway, no one has to reply to this, I just felt like typing it out to see if I could organize my thoughts a little better. It still seems pointless, but whatever. I don't know.
Sorry did my annoying getting off track thing. Anyway, A few weeks ago, I made short term decision that I would at least hold off on CTB until the beginning of next year. I figure, what's one more month and I am doing the extreme thing that I told myself I was never going to do again, ECT. This time though, the theory is that I do it the way it's usually done, for acute situations and issues and a short course of treatment. Not like last time, where the other doctor who actually does the ECT just kept telling me to come and over a year later I was still doing it.
It honestly could be a huge waste of time and do absolutely nothing. Or maybe I can get to a place where I can I don't know, think past the immediate suicidal thoughts and images that are just bombarding me whenever I am awake and, fuck, I don't know, it would open up some space at last. I have to get it scheduled- I wish she was the doctor I was going to deal with when it comes to this, but there is only one doctor at this practice who does it at the hospital. I am going to be able to do it outpatient thankfully. I am still waiting to be scheduled, but she suggested 10 treatments (they do them Monday, Wednesday, and Friday each week and I don't know what the schedule will be like Christmas week) I can't stand the doctor that does the ECT within the group practice of psychiatrists and therapists, I don't know if he makes any extra money off of this or if he's just lazy and would rather tell people to just keep doing it than try to work with them or if he's just a psycho or something, but this time, much unlike last time where I only had him giving me options and advice, I have the support of a doctor that actually does work with, me and takes my experiences and opinions into considerations and actually gives a shit/does a damg good job at pretending like she does- the deal as far as I'm concerned is that he's the means to the end, but I will be discussing the effectiveness and assessing things as we go with her.
I'm calling it a hail mary at this point. I have the option, I know what not to do this time, and I have someone else besides just the ECT doc to actually use while I'm doing it. I won't have an appoitment until whenever it's over, but she told me to email her whenever I need to and she would call. And she's always done that so I don't doubt she will. If it's a bust, well, the SN is still here. I don't see the point going through yet another year unless something can be different. At the very least, I have literally not left my house in over 5 years, except to take my dog out, to see my psychiatrist in the office every 3 months, and those few months I was going for the ketamine treatments that faild spectacularly. So, literally, just being able to leave the house would be a step in a good direction. I don't know what I'm thinking this is going to accomplish really. or how. I know I'm reaching here and just plain desperate. Ever since I got the SN and meto I've felt like I actually have the option to CTB with a mostly successful outcome. This time I'll be doing the ECT in a short course of treatment, like it should be done. If it's a waste? When it's a waste? Well, I've got a box in the closet.
Anyway, no one has to reply to this, I just felt like typing it out to see if I could organize my thoughts a little better. It still seems pointless, but whatever. I don't know.
