I think it's all worthless

[kuroshimi]

Recently I am thinking about giving another shot to therapy. When I came to psychiatrist in last year, right away I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and prescribed meds. I told about my suicidal ideation, attempts and generally how I feel. At some point I started feeling worse along with negative side effects and changed the treatment plan (just started to take another meds) and started to feel better overall.

Now I am not taking any medications. I feel terrible about my life again. Just don't want to live in this despair. And I don't see myself in future, I'm not even sure it will be.

But at the same time I don't really ready to die. Although I began preparing myself to ctb, I still have some hope that I will get my life in order. And I should probably try to get therapy once again.

On other side, I don't think it makes much sense. The world is declining rapidly every time and I don't want to observe this. Therapy won't fix the world state, therapy won't heal the wound from my childhood traumatic experience. Therapy won't reduce my worries about future. At least that what I think.

I am not sure if it's even get better, I don't see any other variants.

 

[Dr.Duck]

Maybe that can be your test to see if you're ready to die. You can try therapy and if that doesn't work I'm sorry. But if it works you'll finally take the steps to your dreams. Help improve your social life (idk your social life I'm just guessing). Hope you find peace in any of your decisions.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

I went through the therapy/try to get better routine a few times and it all depends on you as a person ... it's definitely not for everyone but I hope you're able to get better, you seem like a really interesting person .

 

[kuroshimi]

Bump.

 

[ObsidianWatcher]

Therapy and medication helped me, but that road is going to look different for everyone. Personally I always think it's worth a try. Much like with medication, if you don't connect with a therapist or don't feel their methods are helpful, you can just switch. There's no limit to the number of therapists you can try until one resonates with you.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Sadly I can relate.

After being left by two of my friends who made me felt understood I started self-harming given that I wasn't doing well mentally even before then. Being occasionally whipped by my father during my childhood didn't help it either. Medication made me feel awful, it made everything even worse. Now I'm stuck with a different type of it which isn't as bad, but doesn't make life meaningful. I have no future, wish I had it in me to at least end it all. For whatever reason, I'm naive, so I remain to see if things get any better. Spoiler alert, they don't, screw life. Talking to a therapist didn't get me anywhere. All my psychiatrist does is prescribe me meds. After being pushed to find another therapist things didn't get any better. I find it incredibly hard to open up, so talking to him is pointless. I'm merely wasting more of my mother's hard earned money. I'm indeed a waste of oxygen.

I'm not here to boast about having it hard as everyone has it rough. In fact, I'm convinced everyone has it much worse than me, but that doesn't make it hurt any less! I merely wanted to share my story to make you feel less alone. For better or worse, there are numerous people struggling with staying alive.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Definitely try things - CTB will always be there but given the "no return" policy on successful suicides, give your self some time to see if you can find a little solace in the your world. I tried a lot of counsellors, therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists over the decades and I only found one that helped. Assuming you do manage to find one, still work on the other aspects of mental health; i.e. exercise, good health habits, etc.

Also, my recommendation is stay away from the news. I do not look at anything except a synopsis of the day's headlines and the Good News Network. Call it head in the sand but I call it emotional energy conservation. I have only so many "F's" to give and I want to give them to my family or my firm, etc. Identify your dreams and keep them in your mind. LIfe is going to knock the crap out of you and if you can focus on something in the future that gives you energy, then it is more likely you can keep going. I'm pulling for you to succeed!!

 

[Hotsackage]

start walking, your life will change

 

[Seneca65AD]

Sadly I can relate.

After being left by two of my friends who made me felt understood I started self-harming given that I wasn't doing well mentally even before then. Being occasionally whipped by my father during my childhood didn't help it either. Medication made me feel awful, it made everything even worse. Now I'm stuck with a different type of it which isn't as bad, but doesn't make life meaningful. I have no future, wish I had it in me to at least end it all. For whatever reason, I'm naive, so I remain to see if things get any better. Spoiler alert, they don't, screw life. Talking to a therapist didn't get me anywhere. All my psychiatrist does is prescribe me meds. After being pushed to find another therapist things didn't get any better. I find it incredibly hard to open up, so talking to him is pointless. I'm merely wasting more of my mother's hard earned money. I'm indeed a waste of oxygen.

I'm not here to boast about having it hard as everyone has it rough. In fact, I'm convinced everyone has it much worse than me, but that doesn't make it hurt any less! I merely wanted to share my story to make you feel less alone. For better or worse, there are numerous people struggling with staying alive.

Wow.. I don't want to hijack the OP's thread but you are not a waste of oxygen. You got dealt a horrible hand in life. If a therapist doesn't help you, then stop going. Only you can decide what works and what doesn't - just give what ever you try an honest effort. Don't forget that SaSu is here and it's not just about CTB. There are more caring and compassionate people here than any other site I have come across. Some of us may have the odd answer that can provide a little solace to you or put you on a particular path of something to try.

But, do not let your past determine your worth as an invidiual. You were/are a victim of a horrible parent and a lousy social situation, so don't blame yourself for where you are now. Cut youself some slack and see if you can find a little peace where the voices are not quite as loud. If you could design your life, what would it look like in 5 years? Where would you live? What would you do? It may sound silly but hopefully it gets you of the "now" for a little while.......

 

[Pony Slaystation]

There is an alternative to ctb.

It's just . . . waiting . . . not doing anything.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Wow.. I don't want to hijack the OP's thread but you are not a waste of oxygen. You got dealt a horrible hand in life. If a therapist doesn't help you, then stop going. Only you can decide what works and what doesn't - just give what ever you try an honest effort. Don't forget that SaSu is here and it's not just about CTB. There are more caring and compassionate people here than any other site I have come across. Some of us may have the odd answer that can provide a little solace to you or put you on a particular path of something to try.

But, do not let your past determine your worth as an invidiual. You were/are a victim of a horrible parent and a lousy social situation, so don't blame yourself for where you are now. Cut youself some slack and see if you can find a little peace where the voices are not quite as loud. If you could design your life, what would it look like in 5 years? Where would you live? What would you do? It may sound silly but hopefully it gets you of the "now" for a little while.......

Thank you for the words of wisdom, I appreciate it.

As of now, I had roughly 4 sessions with the second therapist, and none of them were remotely helpful. While I enjoy skipping school as a result, talking to the therapist can also be enjoyable, it doesn't help me move forward. I'm not sure if it is okay for me to stop talking to him. I keep hoping that once I become slightly more comfortable to open up, it may become more helpful.

While I do appreciate your kindness, I see myself as a waste of oxygen regardless. My mindset is tangled up and I still haven't found a proper way to resolve that issue. I've only come to learn that only I can change it which is rather sad as I'm not willing to do so. I'm not pleased that life gives me some reasons here and there to live on. It sucks.

If I were to get myself together and work hard again, I would be able to live on my own while doing what I love for a living. However, that's rather naive, especially when I don't put in the effort. What helps me is consuming relatable art, from music to anime.

Hopefully the OP will start feeling better little by little as their existence is not worthless.

There is an alternative to ctb.

It's just . . . waiting . . . not doing anything.

Yeah, it can be just as painful. I wouldn't recommend either. No idea what is there to do about one's situation.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Thank you for the words of wisdom, I appreciate it.

As of now, I had roughly 4 sessions with the second therapist, and none of them were remotely helpful. While I enjoy skipping school as a result, talking to the therapist can also be enjoyable, it doesn't help me move forward. I'm not sure if it is okay for me to stop talking to him. I keep hoping that once I become slightly more comfortable to open up, it may become more helpful.

While I do appreciate your kindness, I see myself as a waste of oxygen regardless. My mindset is tangled up and I still haven't found a proper way to resolve that issue. I've only come to learn that only I can change it which is rather sad as I'm not willing to do so. I'm not pleased that life gives me some reasons here and there to live on. It sucks.

If I were to get myself together and work hard again, I would be able to live on my own while doing what I love for a living. However, that's rather naive, especially when I don't put in the effort. What helps me is consuming relatable art, from music to anime.

Hopefully the OP will start feeling better little by little as their existence is not worthless.

Yeah, it can be just as painful. I wouldn't recommend either. No idea what is there to do about one's situation.

Hey at least your trying to get better - or trying not to get worse - either way is a win. Give therapy a few more sessions; see if getting more comfortable allows a better connection. If not, move on.

Also, you say your mindset is tangled and you are not willing to change. Perhaps you are so emotionally exhausted you cannot change it at this time. Procrastination is usually thought of as a form of laziness or lack of discipline. However, it appears it could have its roots in trauma from child-hood. Think of it as the brain's protective "freeze" or "flight" mechanism (I got this def'n from AI). So, instead of telling yourself you not willing to do it - perhaps the reality is you are unable to do it right now.

When I get overwhelmed and everything seems to come down at once, I try to take a mental health day where I simply stay in bed and just relax. I am one of the lucky ones because my wife and daughter have outside hobbies that take up a lot time per week, leaving me home where I can decompress from life. The fact you have something which gives help such as art is a definite plus. . Maybe take a self-care day where you attend a concert or an anime exhibition which could give you some relief.

I find a lot of times simply giving myself a break can get me through a particulary tough time. Obviously I don't know you but you seem like a very kind soul that has been beat down by life. Even if you can't see your worth, that does not change the fact that you are one of the good ones whom we need more of. I am a lot older than you so one thing that life has taught me is that you just need to know where you want to go. You don't need to have every step planned out.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Hey at least your trying to get better - or trying not to get worse - either way is a win. Give therapy a few more sessions; see if getting more comfortable allows a better connection. If not, move on.

Also, you say your mindset is tangled and you are not willing to change. Perhaps you are so emotionally exhausted you cannot change it at this time. Procrastination is usually thought of as a form of laziness or lack of discipline. However, it appears it could have its roots in trauma from child-hood. Think of it as the brain's protective "freeze" or "flight" mechanism (I got this def'n from AI). So, instead of telling yourself you not willing to do it - perhaps the reality is you are unable to do it right now.

When I get overwhelmed and everything seems to come down at once, I try to take a mental health day where I simply stay in bed and just relax. I am one of the lucky ones because my wife and daughter have outside hobbies that take up a lot time per week, leaving me home where I can decompress from life. The fact you have something which gives help such as art is a definite plus. . Maybe take a self-care day where you attend a concert or an anime exhibition which could give you some relief.

I find a lot of times simply giving myself a break can get me through a particulary tough time. Obviously I don't know you but you seem like a very kind soul that has been beat down by life. Even if you can't see your worth, that does not change the fact that you are one of the good ones whom we need more of. I am a lot older than you so one thing that life has taught me is that you just need to know where you want to go. You don't need to have every step planned out.

I sincerely thank you, Seneca.

You were indeed right, there are kind people on this forum and you're one of them. I enjoy listening to what people more experienced than me have to say. Either way, I'm not sure if procrastination isn't a form of laziness in my case - I have been going through this since March given that was the time I stopped talking to the people I trusted and felt understood in their presence. While I haven't reached the rock bottom I was at during summer, I still don't feel the best. Rather, my mindset shows itself, it beats me up.

What I cannot grasp is others being kind to me or willing to be my friends. That's ridiculous! Who would want to be around a person who sees himself as a waste of oxygen? In fact, he became a waste of oxygen.

Having mental days would be great. Fortunately, I get to skip school, although I have to face the consequences afterwards. People around me keep telling me to focus on my studies and whatnot, but I find it impossible to study. Not because I'm incapable of doing so, but it makes zero sense to me. Most of the subjects don't interest me and if they do, the school system messes them up regardless. I find incredibly hard to take part in something which I don't deem as meaningful.

Given that you already have a family, I'm sorry for you having to be a part of this forum. I don't think that people who deem themselves as healthy and fine would willingly stumble upon this place. Hopefully you'll feel better.