Lullaby
🌙
- Mar 9, 2022
- 691
Just completely broken.
I'm at the point again where I can decide to move on my from everything that's happened to me, and hope things will get better, like I've been doing for years and years, or I can stop fooling myself and accept that this is going to continuously keep happening like it always does and be done…I don't want to move on, I just want to stop this cycle now.
I think I'll go before my birthday.
In a month, I have a large settlement coming in from a car accident I was in two years ago. I was going to do so much with it…but now I'll use that to buy N and I guess just split the rest of it between my parents.
I'm tired of obsessively looking at my phone, hoping I'll get a text or a call from an old friend, showing me they actually care when I know they don't. Instead I get annoyed texts from my mother about what I'm not doing, or my siblings getting mad at me because I'm too depressed to FaceTime and do what they want to do.
No one ever asks me how I'm doing.
I'm tired of crying everyday and night, hoping the next day will be better and it isn't. I'm literally physically and mentally exhausted. I toss and turn all night without any sleep, my eyes are heavy and swollen all the time and it feels like every bit of energy has been drained from my body.
I feel like a zombie just walking to the bathroom or the kitchen. Just getting out of bed is the biggest battle.
I don't even enjoy opening up in therapy anymore. I dread going now and just smile, and say whatever I need to rush through the 45 minutes I have.
I can't read, I can't listen to music, I can't focus on the TV, food that I enjoyed tastes like garbage now; I can't successfully do any of my coping activities anymore that would bring me some relief.
I just know want for this to be over. I've always been a fighter but at this point, what am I fighting for? I'm totally defeated now.
I'm at the point again where I can decide to move on my from everything that's happened to me, and hope things will get better, like I've been doing for years and years, or I can stop fooling myself and accept that this is going to continuously keep happening like it always does and be done…I don't want to move on, I just want to stop this cycle now.
I think I'll go before my birthday.
In a month, I have a large settlement coming in from a car accident I was in two years ago. I was going to do so much with it…but now I'll use that to buy N and I guess just split the rest of it between my parents.
I'm tired of obsessively looking at my phone, hoping I'll get a text or a call from an old friend, showing me they actually care when I know they don't. Instead I get annoyed texts from my mother about what I'm not doing, or my siblings getting mad at me because I'm too depressed to FaceTime and do what they want to do.
No one ever asks me how I'm doing.
I'm tired of crying everyday and night, hoping the next day will be better and it isn't. I'm literally physically and mentally exhausted. I toss and turn all night without any sleep, my eyes are heavy and swollen all the time and it feels like every bit of energy has been drained from my body.
I feel like a zombie just walking to the bathroom or the kitchen. Just getting out of bed is the biggest battle.
I don't even enjoy opening up in therapy anymore. I dread going now and just smile, and say whatever I need to rush through the 45 minutes I have.
I can't read, I can't listen to music, I can't focus on the TV, food that I enjoyed tastes like garbage now; I can't successfully do any of my coping activities anymore that would bring me some relief.
I just know want for this to be over. I've always been a fighter but at this point, what am I fighting for? I'm totally defeated now.
