I think I got pretty unlucky

[rxcha]

Hey y'all, this is my first post on here since I just found out about this site. Little bit of a vent but also wanna know what y'all think. I've had si sometime since I was 9-10 and depression since a little before that, was gonna CTB at the start of the year but kept pushing it since the tiniest spark of hope would shine and get put out. To start with i'm an immigrant with a very traumatic childhood, both parents extremely verbally abusive fought often and I was Sa'd by an older girl. I think that caused me to become shy and so I spent my first 15 years mostly alone. couple friends here and there that didn't like too much and a girlfriend that accused me of sa even though i was too scared to ever try and do anything with her. to this day i still throw up when a girl even insinuates it. anyways sometime around 6th grade i started developing ocd with extremely vile , violent , and disturbing intrusive thoughts which never leave me alone. it disturbs me, and i get urges, but whenever i think of what the aftermath would be i feel like crying a lot. to cope with that i started mma, which helped me SO much. i got in shape, became a really good fighter, and dedicated a good 6 years of my life to it, ending in my junior year after I got a really bad ankle sprain wrestling. it was fun but i didn't realize how much the damage to my brain had built up. ive had probably 3 or 4 concussions and probably have severe cte. i've remained mostly intelligent but i have such bad brain fog and memory i'm pretty much just drifting, i can't tell you what ive eaten or what ive done today. i remember information i learn pretty well but its pretty vague surrounding my general life. Following the ankle sprain i went to the doctor and got diagnosed officially with both ehler danlos and pots. no idea how i remained active considering how it is now for me. every joint hurts at all times lol. now that it's been so long i don't really have anything. i don't have any hobbies because i dedicated my life to mma, no real friends because im socially off and i feel they all notice it. home life is terrible from abusive family. my future is grim due to cte and lack of effort put into school. my body hurts and my brain is broken. i can't even play video games since back in like 8th grade that's what my parents thought was making me depressed and just latched onto it and sell every piece of equipment i buy. if you finished this to the end thank you for listening to me bitch, would you ctb in my situation?