I still couldn’t stop any of this from happening

[Matchaaa]

CW：animal death

My stepfather insisted on keeping fish, so he bought them without my mom's consent (if he'd taken full responsibility for them himself, we wouldn't have interfered). But since we live apart, my mom ended up taking care of them. Neither my mom nor I want to keep pets right now because we find it too much trouble. As it turned out, the tank was a bit too small, and he put a few goldfish and two plecos in there together. The plecos likely sucked the two goldfish to death because of the poor tank conditions.

After doing some research, I found out that these two species shouldn't be kept together. My mom wanted to get rid of the two plecos, At first, my stepfather suggested keeping them separate or releasing them into the wild, but after I looked it up, I told them they shouldn't be released because it would disrupt the local ecosystem. We didn't have the space to keep them separate either, so I thought about buying some clove oil, getting a small bucket, and euthanizing those two plecos. I felt sorry for them—if they were going to be abandoned, at least I didn't want them to suffer a painful death in their final moments. Instead, my mom yelled at me, saying there was no need for all that trouble, and accused me of not considering her feelings. I told her the fish would suffer, but she snapped, "Pain my ass. People with no money suffer too."

I was only thinking about euthanizing the two plecos and then disposing of them. I don't participate in keeping the fish because I never wanted to keep any animals in the first place (that's why I didn't buy any) But she went ahead and scooped the two cleaner fish right out of the tank and threw them away. This really triggered me, because I'm already grappling with my own existence and hate being thrown into this world that causes me pain. It reminded me of how the man who fathered me ignored me and didn't care about my suffering when I was born. His irresponsibility indirectly caused me a lot of pain, so those two fish made me think of my own situation. I felt so useless that I still couldn't stop this from happening. We shouldn't have kept them in the first place—our family's financial situation is already bad, and being poor takes a huge toll on my mental health. I feel really terrible. Those two cleaner fish—they were left to die of dehydration or starvation.

Now there are only three goldfish left in the tank. I'm still going to order some clove oil, so that if they decide one day they don't want to keep these three fish anymore, at least I'll have a backup.

 

[wine is fine but]

I felt so useless that I still couldn't stop this from happening

you should not feel guilty or anything but a little sad for them. you couldn't do anything to stop it. that should not make you feel useless, but maybe helpless. useless gives many more negative feelings than helpless does. you did nothing wrong. you would have done the best thing for the fish if you could. your step dad and mum were the ones who put them in this position. the fish deserve some sympathy, but not for an innocent person to feel guilty about them

 

[Matchaaa]

you should not feel guilty or anything but a little sad for them. you couldn't do anything to stop it. that should not make you feel useless, but maybe helpless. useless gives many more negative feelings than helpless does. you did nothing wrong. you would have done the best thing for the fish if you could. your step dad and mum were the ones who put them in this position. the fish deserve some sympathy, but not for an innocent person to feel guilty about them

Thank you for your empathy. Sometimes I feel so sorry for those two fish — they were just being themselves, but they still ended up in such a miserable situation. The whole fish-keeping thing also makes me think about bringing a child into the world, because some of the patterns feel very similar.

 

[wine is fine but]

Thank you for your empathy. Sometimes I feel so sorry for those two fish — they were just being themselves, but they still ended up in such a miserable situation. The whole fish-keeping thing also makes me think about bringing a child into the world, because some of the patterns feel very similar.

everything does end up in a miserable situation at some point

it is just the time between birth and that miserable situation that matters - we can only hope that we have more good situations than miserable, but human nature means we tend to remember the bad ones more. a line from a 1980's heavy metal song goes "love can be a whisper, but pain will always shout to you", and sadly it is very true

i thought that about bringing a child into this world back in the late 1980's. and the world has got worse since then - both better and worse. half of the people in the world want to be like china, which as you know is crazy. you dream of a free democracy, open internets and the chance to make money yet half of the world think you have it better than them. that said i am not sure i would have been a good father. you can give nephews and nieces back when they stop being fun, but with your own kids . . . . you are stuck with them

 

[Matchaaa]

everything does end up in a miserable situation at some point

it is just the time between birth and that miserable situation that matters - we can only hope that we have more good situations than miserable, but human nature means we tend to remember the bad ones more. a line from a 1980's heavy metal song goes "love can be a whisper, but pain will always shout to you", and sadly it is very true

i thought that about bringing a child into this world back in the late 1980's. and the world has got worse since then - both better and worse. half of the people in the world want to be like china, which as you know is crazy. you dream of a free democracy, open internets and the chance to make money yet half of the world think you have it better than them. that said i am not sure i would have been a good father. you can give nephews and nieces back when they stop being fun, but with your own kids . . . . you are stuck with them

so having children truly is something that substantially impacts one's entire life — and for things that carry such heavy weight on one's life trajectory, it often comes down to a high-risk decision.
I've wanted to escape this country my whole life, because the negative experiences and influences here far outweigh the few positive ones, and the former have often had a devastating impact on me lol.

 

[Forever Sleep]

That's so sad. I can understand you feeling so upset and triggered by this. I think pet stores will sometimes accept fish back- in case it happens in future. My Dad ended up having to do that with a remaining fish when they moved long distance once. Quite often, the owners are animal lovers so- maybe they keep them themselves.

I can relate though- you seeing your Mum's reaction as a typical representation of her behaviour. I had a similar experience once. A guy I had a crush on found a girlfriend and her dog bullied his dog. Her dog was an absolute menace. I also saw that as a reflection of my own step family- when my Dad remarried. All they see is that they want to be together. Doesn't matter if the children or- in this case- pets- tear one another apart.

I think you may need to use vodka as well as cloves- to euthanize a fish. I once thought I would have to euthanize a pond fish. I think it had dropsy. But- as I understand it- the cloves knocks them out, then adding the vodka kills them peacefully. When it came to it, both the fish and I became so distressed as I tried to catch it and I just couldn't bear it. I just sat there sobbing. It didn't look in too much distress- asides from that. Just extremely lethargic so, I ended up letting nature take its course. It's so sad you experienced this though.

 

[Matchaaa]

That's so sad. I can understand you feeling so upset and triggered by this. I think pet stores will sometimes accept fish back- in case it happens in future. My Dad ended up having to do that with a remaining fish when they moved long distance once. Quite often, the owners are animal lovers so- maybe they keep them themselves.

I can relate though- you seeing your Mum's reaction as a typical representation of her behaviour. I had a similar experience once. A guy I had a crush on found a girlfriend and her dog bullied his dog. Her dog was an absolute menace. I also saw that as a reflection of my own step family- when my Dad remarried. All they see is that they want to be together. Doesn't matter if the children or- in this case- pets- tear one another apart.

I think you may need to use vodka as well as cloves- to euthanize a fish. I once thought I would have to euthanize a pond fish. I think it had dropsy. But- as I understand it- the cloves knocks them out, then adding the vodka kills them peacefully. When it came to it, both the fish and I became so distressed as I tried to catch it and I just couldn't bear it. I just sat there sobbing. It didn't look in too much distress- asides from that. Just extremely lethargic so, I ended up letting nature take its course. It's so sad you experienced this though.

I'm sorry you went through those things, thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate to this. Sometimes I feel that adults should consider more about how their decisions affect children or pets.

The fish were brought here by my family member who moved from another city, so it's not possible to return them to the original fish stores. I haven't been in this new area for long, it's relatively remote, and the new fish stores here might not accept them — I'm not very familiar with the new area. (I was also wondering at first why he didn't return the fish to the stores in the original city before moving.)
I was originally planning to wait a few days to order clove oil online, but my mom quickly scooped them up and threw them away. There was no way to stop her at the time since I was in my room, so she just did it quickly on her own. I'll look more into the precautions for using clove oil later.