Venting I should have stuck with my original date.

[mrselfdestruct]

I originally planned to ctb a month ago — I was talked out of it at the last moment because I was a fool and chose to say something to my boyfriend. Said boyfriend has been my only reason to live for a while now, but unfortunately things are going downhill for him and his mental health is in rapid decline to the point where he is so dissociated beyond recognizing me most of the time. I feel horrible burdening him with my own problems while he's dealing with this, and I know in my heart that we're at a point where he does not need me anymore. With that said and done, I'm trying to pick a date to ctb. Every day I wish I had stuck with my original date or plan, does anybody else feel this way?

 

[come to dust]

Can't relate to having a boyfriend because I am ugly and lonely forever. But I get guilt tripped into living by my family who know I want to CTB

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm not sure that I could ever stick to a specific date for ctb, I think if I had a reliable and peaceful way to exit this world, I would just leave when the time feels right. I am trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult for me personally. I do wish that I left this world at an earlier date as it would have prevented a lot of suffering. I have never wanted to live and it feels so pointless me being here. More than anything I wish that it was easier to leave.

I'm sorry that you are in this difficult situation, I can imagine that it must be really awful. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[mrselfdestruct]

I'm not sure that I could ever stick to a specific date for ctb, I think if I had a reliable and peaceful way to exit this world, I would just leave when the time feels right. I am trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult for me personally. I do wish that I left this world at an earlier date as it would have prevented a lot of suffering. I have never wanted to live and it feels so pointless me being here. More than anything I wish that it was easier to leave.

I'm sorry that you are in this difficult situation, I can imagine that it must be really awful. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope you find what you are looking for.

You understand what I mean, I think. If I had not said anything to him on that day and had gone through with it I believe that he wouldn't be in his current situation because I do blame myself, currently I've stopped talking to him for a while so I cannot hurt him further.
I also wish leaving was easier, and although there is nothing I live for as well, I don't know what's keeping me tied to here.
Thank you for the kind words as well.