Venting i scared the shit out of my friend earlier and i feel awful

[sodalover]

i mentioned one of my past attempts earlier today and i dont even know why i said it it just slipped out. like it wasnt even a big thing when i said it. just another sentence in the middle of talking and then i looked at them and their whole face changed andthey got really emotional and then they started telling me how upset they would be if i died and how they couldnt imagine having to find out that i was gone and i just sat there listening to them and feeling fucking horrible because part of me wanted tohear it. i wanted someone to care that much about me but at the same time i couldnt make myself feel better
someone can sit there and tell me that i matter to them and that losing me would destroy them and my brain just goes yeah but youre saying that because youre here right now
like areyou fuckign serious just wasting their time like that???? what am i supposed to do with that information. someone is literally telling me that they love me and my first instinct is to argue with them in my head about whether they mean it
i dont know how to accept people caring about me without immediately looking for a reason theyre wrong

everyone is getting into relationships and going on dates and having their first kisses and figuring out what they like and what they dont like and meanwhile i feel like i skipped an entire section of being a person.i have basically no experience and none of the experience i do have feels like something i can actually be proud of. i was so young and somehow i still feel like im the embarrassing one you can know intellectually that something wasnt your fault and still feel humiliated by it andn i keep thinking about everyone else getting to have normal relationships and i dont even know where to start
how am i supposed to know what dating is supposed to feel like?????? what does normal even look like??? what does it feel like when someone likes you without wanting something from you????,

what does it feel like when somebody wants to hold your hand and thats literally all they want
i feel like everyone my age is moving forward and im standing in the same fucking place trying to figure out why everything that happened to me still follows me around and then i get jealous which makes me feel even worse becausei see people posting their partners and their stupid little anniversary pictures and matching profile pictures and pictures from dates and i WANT that i want someone to choose me i want someone to look at me and actually want me there adn not because they feel responsible for me or because theyre worried about me snd not because they feel sorry for me strictlyjust because they like me
and i hate admitting that because it sounds so fucking pathetic

i dont want to be the person who needs someone to constantly prove they arent going to leave
i dont want to keep making people scared like that