Venting I regret not killing myself

[cyanlove]

I had everything prepared and my SN had come in the mail. But at the last minute I got cold feet and decided not to go through with it. I came home from the hotel and was about to tell my parents but they were busy and left town.

I feel like such a loser. All of my friends have graduated grad school and are getting married. I hate speaking to any of my friends because I'm still at the same job as I had from high school in the same position. I haven't even been able to get my associates degree after being a freshman for seven years.

It doesn't help that I was (rightfully) dumped by my boyfriend who felt I was riding his coattails. I was a terrible girlfriend to him. For a moment I was afraid he was going to file a restraining order against me or something. I know he is afraid of me because I have been a horrible person.

I wish I had the strength to kill myself for those around me. Pretty soon I will be homeless. My parents aren't happy that I haven't been able to make a career or school happen. I'm burdening them and everyone else.

The worst part is I don't want to get better. It seems like more work.

 

[Menschenmühle]

I feel the same, I wish I ended it all when I had the chance, so much pointless misery could've been avoided.

The worst part is I don't want to get better. It seems like more work.

Yeah, this part as well, I guess when one gets used to feeling a certain way, it becomes an inseparable part of oneself, so it becomes hard to let go of it

 

[Mr2005]

Why bother? You can do it anytime. Don't put pressure on yourself

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Same if a peaceful method was available at age 14-20 I would have saved many years of pointless suffering

 

[TakeMeBack07]

The worst part is I don't want to get better. It seems like more work

I deal with this issue too. honestly, I'm not sure what to aim towards. right after taking a step forward to something, anxiety and my fears shut me down. I wonder if courage is the simple secret that could pull us out of this whole
Ironically, i will never find out because im a coward that crumbles easily.

 

[jimmy7754]

I have two degrees and I'm a massive confused fuck up. At least you held your job don't be so hard on yourself! It doesn't define who you are.. college is sometimes a scam anyway!!

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish I left this world at an earlier age, as in my case I have never wanted to be alive, but suicide is very difficult after all. The survival instinct can be determined to keep us suffering. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it can be dreadful when things get worse. I understand that it can be awful being trapped in a miserable existence. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[milly]

I regret not prepping to CTB while i was healthier and better off. I bought into the false recovery hope. Now i have to drag my depressed ass to work until am ready. Urghhh