i remember when i found out i was pregnant in november, i found out at 3 weeks which apparently is really rare to find out this early, but i knew something was wrong because two days before my period was supposed to start i threw up all over my floor twice, and i have endometriosis so i cramp really badly weeks before my period is supposed to start, and i hadn't cramped at all. i remember driving to a clinic to get tested but i didn't have insurance so they couldn't help me, i remember how i was close to tears and the receptionist lady gave me $3 to go get a test at the dollar store, i will never forget that, i could see on her face how much empathy she had for me and i could tell she felt bad about having to turn me away.
i bought one pregnancy test and stole another and i remember when the two lines showed up on one and the big red "positive" on the other, i felt so much disgust and rage at myself and the thing inside me, i found a resource online that mails abortion pills to you, i live in a very abortion illegal state so i got the father to send me the money to order the pills and then i blocked him because he was a fucking weirdo (my sexual assault post from a few weeks ago is about him). i was ready for the pills but until they arrived i had to deal with the pregnancy sickness and symptoms. i couldn't tell any of my family or even my roommate, not even my friends, so i felt so alone in this and had to blame my sickness on my period.
as i waited for my abortion pills i would go to the store and the baby section and i got products to help with morning sickness. i began to rub my belly a lot without even realizing it and i would make sure to lay on my back and not my stomach. i even stopped smoking weed and hitting my vape, i was beginning to get really attached to the "baby" (if you wanna call it a baby). i knew i would never be able to keep it because i had just gotten out of homelessness and i could not keep a job and i was planning to ctb soon. i knew if i actually stayed alive to give birth to the baby that would've been so selfish of me. if i could i would give my baby the best and happiest life ever.
when my abortion pills came in the mal it took me about four days to actually begin the process, because i didn't want to officially not be a mother anymore. i liked having something to take care of, something to nurture and grow. all my life, i've felt like a ruiner. i ruin everything, i destroy everything i touch and see, so being pregnant made me feel like i was actually taking care of something, nurturing it instead of ruining. i remember i sat on my bed holding the first round of pills in my hand. it's strange, i've always been pro choice (obviously i mean im on this forum lol) and i've even made jokes about abortion in the past. but holding those pills in my hand, i remember i started sobbing the hardest i've sobbed in a long time.
not only was i about to get rid of the one thing that was really mine, but i was completely alone in doing it. i had nobody to talk to during this and nobody to even talk to about my pregnancy in general. i remember putting the first round of pills under my tongue and the physical pain of the abortion almost matched the mental anguish that i was feeling. i wanted to kill myself right then and there; it hurt so bad physically but all i could think of was how i'm ruining something, yet again. i was ruining the best thing that could've ever happened to me. i bled a lot, of course, and i got blood all over my sheets and bathtub and walls. it was kind of traumatic for me, that is my baby and it is blood now and i am ruining it. ruinerruinerruiner my name should be ruiner
i remember by the time i took the last round of pills it was 4 am. i couldn't sleep that night. the next morning i went to use the restroom and when i pulled my pants down blood splashed on the bathroom walls and in my face, that's how much blood there was. i almost started laughing and then everything hit me at once, i started crying violently on the toilet.
i know that technically, the abortion was the best thing for me to do. but i liked being a mother, i liked nurturing and raising something. i had an app that would tell you how big the baby was getting. i still have that app right now and i check it everyday. this week, my baby would have been the size of a raspberry haha. isn't that so cute?
i finally brought myself to take a pregnancy test again to confirm that the abortion worked. i took the test about three days ago and sure enough, it was negative. i cried again. i am no longer a mother and i am no longer taking care of anything. i can't even feel bad for myself because i did it to myself. i see the blood stains on my bedsheets and it makes me want to punch myself in the face and rip all my hair out
i saw online it said that statistically, most women who go through abortions are fine afterwards. they do not have trauma and they go about their daily lives after. i mean of course most women would feel relief. i guess i felt some relief, too. but i felt grief more than anything. i still catch myself rubbing and holding my stomach like my baby is still in there. i want to pretend i am pregnant until i ctb (trying to ctb before 2026 comes). i know that is silly. i did it to myself so i don't have the right to miss the baby or pretend i still have it. i realize how silly and stupid that is. i just can't help it.
i decided to name the baby dylan after an old friend, i decided that name when i first found out i was pregnant. i think of my baby everyday and what could've been. i wish i was happy and stable enough to be a mother. two of my cousins who are sisters both became mothers at 19 and are now 23 and 25. i'm 19 right now. i hate that they were happy and stable enough to carry out their pregnancies. and their babies, now toddlers, are so cute and they are all so happy. their mom, my aunt, was so happy and supportive to them throughout their pregnancy. my mom is dead. i don't have a mom. i wish more than anything i could experience "mom and daughter" talks and moments with my mommy. she died when i was 8. i miss her so much. i also miss my baby
i hate my life and i wish i had a good life but i am destined for failure and destined to ctb. i've been suicidal since i was 9 years old. my siblings, even after mommy died, were happy and had normal childhoods. it seems like it was just me who was affected negatively by the loss. i was the troubled sibling, always getting into trouble. all i ever do is ruin things and make things harder for other people. everyone will be so much happier when im gone. and if my family ever found out i had an abortion they would hate me (they are very pro life). this makes it difficult because i can't tell anyone about it or vent to anyone about it
except this website
i bought one pregnancy test and stole another and i remember when the two lines showed up on one and the big red "positive" on the other, i felt so much disgust and rage at myself and the thing inside me, i found a resource online that mails abortion pills to you, i live in a very abortion illegal state so i got the father to send me the money to order the pills and then i blocked him because he was a fucking weirdo (my sexual assault post from a few weeks ago is about him). i was ready for the pills but until they arrived i had to deal with the pregnancy sickness and symptoms. i couldn't tell any of my family or even my roommate, not even my friends, so i felt so alone in this and had to blame my sickness on my period.
as i waited for my abortion pills i would go to the store and the baby section and i got products to help with morning sickness. i began to rub my belly a lot without even realizing it and i would make sure to lay on my back and not my stomach. i even stopped smoking weed and hitting my vape, i was beginning to get really attached to the "baby" (if you wanna call it a baby). i knew i would never be able to keep it because i had just gotten out of homelessness and i could not keep a job and i was planning to ctb soon. i knew if i actually stayed alive to give birth to the baby that would've been so selfish of me. if i could i would give my baby the best and happiest life ever.
when my abortion pills came in the mal it took me about four days to actually begin the process, because i didn't want to officially not be a mother anymore. i liked having something to take care of, something to nurture and grow. all my life, i've felt like a ruiner. i ruin everything, i destroy everything i touch and see, so being pregnant made me feel like i was actually taking care of something, nurturing it instead of ruining. i remember i sat on my bed holding the first round of pills in my hand. it's strange, i've always been pro choice (obviously i mean im on this forum lol) and i've even made jokes about abortion in the past. but holding those pills in my hand, i remember i started sobbing the hardest i've sobbed in a long time.
not only was i about to get rid of the one thing that was really mine, but i was completely alone in doing it. i had nobody to talk to during this and nobody to even talk to about my pregnancy in general. i remember putting the first round of pills under my tongue and the physical pain of the abortion almost matched the mental anguish that i was feeling. i wanted to kill myself right then and there; it hurt so bad physically but all i could think of was how i'm ruining something, yet again. i was ruining the best thing that could've ever happened to me. i bled a lot, of course, and i got blood all over my sheets and bathtub and walls. it was kind of traumatic for me, that is my baby and it is blood now and i am ruining it. ruinerruinerruiner my name should be ruiner
i remember by the time i took the last round of pills it was 4 am. i couldn't sleep that night. the next morning i went to use the restroom and when i pulled my pants down blood splashed on the bathroom walls and in my face, that's how much blood there was. i almost started laughing and then everything hit me at once, i started crying violently on the toilet.
i know that technically, the abortion was the best thing for me to do. but i liked being a mother, i liked nurturing and raising something. i had an app that would tell you how big the baby was getting. i still have that app right now and i check it everyday. this week, my baby would have been the size of a raspberry haha. isn't that so cute?
i finally brought myself to take a pregnancy test again to confirm that the abortion worked. i took the test about three days ago and sure enough, it was negative. i cried again. i am no longer a mother and i am no longer taking care of anything. i can't even feel bad for myself because i did it to myself. i see the blood stains on my bedsheets and it makes me want to punch myself in the face and rip all my hair out
i saw online it said that statistically, most women who go through abortions are fine afterwards. they do not have trauma and they go about their daily lives after. i mean of course most women would feel relief. i guess i felt some relief, too. but i felt grief more than anything. i still catch myself rubbing and holding my stomach like my baby is still in there. i want to pretend i am pregnant until i ctb (trying to ctb before 2026 comes). i know that is silly. i did it to myself so i don't have the right to miss the baby or pretend i still have it. i realize how silly and stupid that is. i just can't help it.
i decided to name the baby dylan after an old friend, i decided that name when i first found out i was pregnant. i think of my baby everyday and what could've been. i wish i was happy and stable enough to be a mother. two of my cousins who are sisters both became mothers at 19 and are now 23 and 25. i'm 19 right now. i hate that they were happy and stable enough to carry out their pregnancies. and their babies, now toddlers, are so cute and they are all so happy. their mom, my aunt, was so happy and supportive to them throughout their pregnancy. my mom is dead. i don't have a mom. i wish more than anything i could experience "mom and daughter" talks and moments with my mommy. she died when i was 8. i miss her so much. i also miss my baby
i hate my life and i wish i had a good life but i am destined for failure and destined to ctb. i've been suicidal since i was 9 years old. my siblings, even after mommy died, were happy and had normal childhoods. it seems like it was just me who was affected negatively by the loss. i was the troubled sibling, always getting into trouble. all i ever do is ruin things and make things harder for other people. everyone will be so much happier when im gone. and if my family ever found out i had an abortion they would hate me (they are very pro life). this makes it difficult because i can't tell anyone about it or vent to anyone about it
except this website
