I often feel like I'm actually in hell

[Kanau_Nano]

Since my last attempt to ctb, I often feel like I'm literally in hell and it scares me a lot. I should not have lived through what I did. That's what makes me believe this. Even the doctors told me they were shocked i was still here. I took a large amount of opiates, benzos, alcohol, muscle relaxers, everything I thought would end it. I started with a small amount and then took a little bit more, then I took everything as fast as I could. I eventually blacked out, but I kept continuing taking anything I thought would end it. I only know this cause some things were missing when I came back that I didn't remember taking. I ended up falling all over the place and wandering outside which is when I got picked up by the ambulance. My pulse was very low according to the hospital papers. I was in a coma for multiple days, and woke up on a ventilator paralyzed, and in intense fear for what felt like forever. I was convinced i was paralyzed for good. I eventually was able to move my hands enough to beg for the ventilator to be removed. It was very very uncomfortable. I was crying a lot. I then got taken to the psych ward awhile later. I had injuries on my face from falling, and my voice and throat were in bad shape, but thankfully they healed well. No one came to visit me except my parent. They told me if I ever really ctb they would too. So now I feel trapped. I also feel so guilty for what I put my family through.

A few months later I developed stomach issues and intense migraines. My anxiety and mental problems are still just as bad, and I can't do anything to help myself. I did my best to improve my life to try and be happy, but nothing works. I just wait for my sick parent to die so I can ctb. I will attempt a method that is almost 100% sure to work. I'm scared that I still won't ctb successfully and I will be completely paralyzed. Stuck in my suffering. If this really is hell I'm sure it will happen. I will still try. I just can't take it anymore. I am truly sick, and i hate myself.

Has anyone else experienced feeling like they were living in hell? Does it go away for good?

I'm glad sometimes I feel like life is just life and not some twisted torture. I told my therapist about this and they said if life is hell why do good things happen? To try and give me hope before it's crushed it seems.

 

[rkk3]

 

[Aflame5926]

somebody here survived jumping. but ended up SN few days ago.

but also that why we are here in trying to find a good painless with a extreme high chance

i dont have really have a hell experience like you but i just start stop feeling for everything. that is also a form for hell imo

 

[mold]

life does feel like hell, and im honestly more afraid of surviving than anything else, id rather die than somehow survive with minor or major injuries.

 

[delinquentsandwich]

life doesn't quite feel like hell? it's more like a limbo/purgatory
things aren't as bad as they could possibly be for me but things never truly get better
I am given signs of hope that things will be okay but it is all an illusion

I am forced to keep fighting so I do not enter hell, I guess
but I am tired of fighting for so little amounts of happiness in return

 

[2muchpain2]

yes, I do feel like I'm in hell. There are some tiny moments in the day I feel ok, and laugh. maybe. But, the only thing I can think about it dying. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that and still lived and now you have to figure it all out again. That is traumatic and I'm sure causes a lot of pain.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

somebody here survived jumping. but ended up SN few days ago.

but also that why we are here in trying to find a good painless with a extreme high chance

i dont have really have a hell experience like you but i just start stop feeling for everything. that is also a form for hell imo

I couldn't imagine surviving jumping. Do you know how high they were? That's actually my plan. I'm going to jump 400 feet from a bridge that's not used often. Under is just shallow water and rocks. I plan to consume SN immediately before. I feel like even if I live through the jump that they couldn't save me from the sn. Hopefully.

And I agree that is a form of hell. I wish we didn't feel this way.

life does feel like hell, and im honestly more afraid of surviving than anything else, id rather die than somehow survive with minor or major injuries.

Same. My biggest fear is living in constant pain and being unable to ctb due to a injury. I'm so scared of it. I'm sorry you feel life feels like hell too. It's so hard

life doesn't quite feel like hell? it's more like a limbo/purgatory
things aren't as bad as they could possibly be for me but things never truly get better
I am given signs of hope that things will be okay but it is all an illusion

I am forced to keep fighting so I do not enter hell, I guess
but I am tired of fighting for so little amounts of happiness in return

This is exactly how I feel too. I wish things would get better for us and we didn't have to keep getting our hopes crushed trying to make life better over and over. I mean things aren't the absolute worst sure, but it's enough. I hope one day you can truly make yourself happier though. Even though you're tired of fighting but, truly I understand if you don't want to anymore. I don't

yes, I do feel like I'm in hell. There are some tiny moments in the day I feel ok, and laugh. maybe. But, the only thing I can think about it dying. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that and still lived and now you have to figure it all out again. That is traumatic and I'm sure causes a lot of pain.

It was traumatic. I think about it often, and my family's reactions and it makes my chest feel heavy and just terrible. I hope you never go through something similar. How long have you felt you were in hell and what started it? If I can ask

 

[Aflame5926]

I couldn't imagine surviving jumping. Do you know how high they were? That's actually my plan. I'm going to jump 400 feet from a bridge that's not used often. Under is just shallow water and rocks. I plan to consume SN immediately before. I feel like even if I live through the jump that they couldn't save me from the sn. Hopefully.

And I agree that is a form of hell. I wish we didn't feel this way.

fightclub17 is the user. you have find the search function. i havent read the full story.

but i would love for you not to pick that route. but if you have to then forget my words.

sorry for this but surviving that is just painfull that you dont wish for anybody here

 

[Kanau_Nano]

fightclub17 is the user. you have find the search function. i havent read the full story.

but i would love for you not to pick that route. but if you have to then forget my words.

sorry for this but surviving that is just painfull that you dont wish for anybody here

I will definitely look into it. Thank you.

And I would prefer to have a gun but I can't get one. I think my plan is the best it gets. Thanks for your concern. I sincerely hope I won't survive that. I understand how bad it could be

 

[Macedonian1987]

They told me if I ever really ctb they would too

That is so cruel for your parents to use that as an entrapment. I don't know what kind of people they are, but they don't seem like nice people. No good parent would tell that to a child.

 

[SilentSadness]

That does sound hellish, I'm sorry for your suffering.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

That is so cruel for your parents to use that as an entrapment. I don't know what kind of people they are, but they don't seem like nice people. No good parent would tell that to a child.

It does feel cruel to be trapped here for now. My parents weren't perfect for sure. They even got me addicted to meth as a teen, and stole from me many times. Plus much more. They do love me a lot though and I love them. They helped me with lots and have gotten better. I still have problems here and there with them, but not as bad. I wasn't perfect either. I wish I could go now so bad though.

That does sound hellish, I'm sorry for your suffering.

Thank you. It will be over eventually at least.

 

[annointed_towers]

feels like hell to me. I was disabled 4 years ago and one year ago I developed chronic pain that resulted from self-blame, self-hatred and self-neglect. an excruciatingly painful, incurable, untreatable and degenerative nerve condition that I technically gave myself.

feels like my head is on fire. engulfed in flames. mouth too. teeth. ears stabbed, rusty nails wedged into my skull.

and a ceaseless itch on my scalp. but it's not an itch, it's just nerves firing. an itch I cannot scratch, but still I scratch.

below the neck I'm fine. but the pain is such that I can barely get out of bed, sit up straight, walk. can't take care of myself anymore. provide.

for the past year I've been stuck in a room in my mom's apartment. disabled, unemployed. no prospects. no cure, no going back, no going forward. before that i was in a series of rooms, doing nothing, wasting away, just somewhere else.

now I'm in this dirty room, too tired and weak to clean, to tired and depressed and apathetic to shower. it smells, I smell.

all my friends stopped talking to me and I don't blame them.

career over, reputation ruined, education wasted, decades of effort and hard work

the same striving that led me to mental breakdown and nervous system collapse

then job loss, then disability, then pain, isolation

haven't been touched, intimate in 3 years. haven't even been seen in one, besides by my mom and a doctor.

with no method available to me that I trust. can't get a gun for four years, and that's if they don't hospitalize me again and start the clock again to 5 years.

so, yeah, I'd say it feels like hell.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

feels like hell to me. I was disabled 4 years ago and one year ago I developed chronic pain that resulted from self-blame, self-hatred and self-neglect. an excruciatingly painful, incurable, untreatable and degenerative nerve condition that I technically gave myself.

feels like my head is on fire. engulfed in flames. mouth too. teeth. ears stabbed, rusty nails wedged into my skull.

and a ceaseless itch on my scalp. but it's not an itch, it's just nerves firing. an itch I cannot scratch, but still I scratch.

below the neck I'm fine. but the pain is such that I can barely get out of bed, sit up straight, walk. can't take care of myself anymore. provide.

for the past year I've been stuck in a room in my mom's apartment. disabled, unemployed. no prospects. no cure, no going back, no going forward. before that i was in a series of rooms, doing nothing, wasting away, just somewhere else.

now I'm in this dirty room, too tired and weak to clean, to tired and depressed and apathetic to shower. it smells, I smell.

all my friends stopped talking to me and I don't blame them.

career over, reputation ruined, education wasted, decades of effort and hard work

the same striving that led me to mental breakdown and nervous system collapse

then job loss, then disability, then pain, isolation

haven't been touched, intimate in 3 years. haven't even been seen in one, besides by my mom and a doctor.

with no method available to me that I trust. can't get a gun for four years, and that's if they don't hospitalize me again and start the clock again to 5 years.

so, yeah, I'd say it feels like hell.

Chronic pain is truly terrible. It's even hard to think or do anything. I understand. The itchiness sounds unbearable. There is nothing to help you? I haven't had any luck with my problems. I don't have friends anymore either. Also can't get a gun. I wish there was a way to be assisted in ctb. It's horrible. No matter how much suffering you are in, and how unfixable your issues are the doctors snd therapists just expect you to suffer or magically feel better. It really does seem like hell for you and me. I hope something today makes you feel even a little better.

 

[SoLowHollow48]

Hey, you know what? This thread reminds me of this quote I really like that I found on Pinterest.

It goes like: "and I hope that there's a place in hell where the fire burns gently for those who cannot save themselves"

I heard that hell is other people and I think, in a way, I agree. You leave and you'll be hurting others. You don't leave, you're making others hurt you by making you stay.

 

[annointed_towers]

Chronic pain is truly terrible. It's even hard to think or do anything. I understand. The itchiness sounds unbearable. There is nothing to help you? I haven't had any luck with my problems. I don't have friends anymore either. Also can't get a gun. I wish there was a way to be assisted in ctb. It's horrible. No matter how much suffering you are in, and how unfixable your issues are the doctors snd therapists just expect you to suffer or magically feel better. It really does seem like hell for you and me. I hope something today makes you feel even a little better.

No, the damage is done and can't be undone, and nerve pains like nerve damage and neuralgias are often resistant to even the most powerful (and addictive) opioids.

Yes, therapy is like a closed circuit computer with a chatbot programmed to only tell you certain things, only allowed to tell you certain things. I know because even the chatbots do this. They were built with guardrails and their output is just input we fed them.

No doctor, therapist or psychiatrist will openly or can legally agree with you that suicide is a rational choice. Even if privately they feel that way, which I suspect some do.

I think many people don't want to die necessarily, but see their circumstance, assess it soberly, and see no alternative. They see no reason to delay the inevitable, suffer another day. They want to cut their losses, including of their own life.

In my country there is a fringe activist movement that advocates for assisted suicide, "the right to die."

I think we should all have that right. It's like a kind of mercy, a mercy killing, but just done in a controlled, more dignified and comfortable way than all these methods we discuss here that can go wrong and leave us maimed.

But this would never become mainstream, likely never to become law here. It's not law very many places. We are all trained and socialized to offer infinite platitudes, and so we create more closed circuits endlessly cycling through pre-approved scripts.

Because who wants to say, "yeah—I agree. You should kill yourself"? And for a lot of people, maybe most, at least of the ones we see and who are vocal and visible — those platitudes actually are truth, a kind of universal, karmic law. Not just proof that it can work for someone, but that it's inevitable—everyone recovers. Heals. That is not true, and you don't have to be in some desparate country or have a terminal illness for that to be the case.

But even a right to die would still be controlled by doctors, therapists and the government. They'd still decide who gets the right, who is approved, who qualifies. What conditions and circumstances are eligible, justifiable. And of course deciding who is "of sound mind." Not mentally ill, which would disqualify many people who would seek this option. It would be a bureaucratic nightmare with probably long wait lists.

there would still be limitations, inequalities. people would likely still be here like you and me, trying to find a way to kill ourselves.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

No, the damage is done and can't be undone, and nerve pains like nerve damage and neuralgias are often resistant to even the most powerful (and addictive) opioids.

Yes, therapy is like a closed circuit computer with a chatbot programmed to only tell you certain things, only allowed to tell you certain things. I know because even the chatbots do this. They were built with guardrails and their output is just input we fed them.

No therapist or psychiatrist will openly or can legally agree with you that suicide is a rational choice. Even if privately they feel that way, which I suspect some do.

I think many people don't want to die necessarily, but see their circumstance, assess it soberly, and see no alternative. They see no reason to delay the inevitable. Cut their losses, including of their own life.

In my country there is a fringe activist moment called that advocates for assisted suicide, "the right to die."

I think we should all have that right. It's like a kind of mercy, a mercy killing, but just done in a controlled, more dignified and comfortable way than all these methods we discuss here that can go wrong and leave us maimed.

But this would never become mainstream, likely never to become law here. It's not law very many places. We are all trained and socialized to offer infinite platitudes, and so we create more closed circuits endlessly cycling through pre-approved scripts.

Because who wants to say, "yeah—I agree. You should kill yourself"? And for a lot of people, maybe most, at least of the ones we see and who are vocal and visible — those platitudes actually are truth, a kind of universal, karmic law. Not just proof that it can work for someone, but that it's inevitable—everyone recovers. Heals. That is not true, and you don't have to be in some desparate country or have a terminal illness for that to be the case.

But even a right to die would still be controlled by doctors, therapists and the government. They'd still decide who gets the right, who is approved, who qualifies. What conditions and circumstances are eligible, justifiable. And of course deciding who is "of sound mind." Not mentally ill, which would disqualify many people who would seek this option. It would be a bureaucratic nightmare with probably long wait lists.

there would still be limitations, inequalities. people would likely still be here like you and be, trying to find a way to kill ourselves.

I agree completely with everything you wrote. I could've wrote the same, but maybe not as well as you have.

I'm aware of the right to die stuff, but i didn't think about the possible problems with it you wrote. It's a dream come true for some but a nightmare for others especially to implement. And you're right who wants to say to someone they should kill themselves. Not many people.

That's upsetting your pain is so treatment resistant.

 

[zrk]

Since my last attempt to ctb, I often feel like I'm literally in hell and it scares me a lot. I should not have lived through what I did. That's what makes me believe this. Even the doctors told me they were shocked i was still here. I took a large amount of opiates, benzos, alcohol, muscle relaxers, everything I thought would end it. I started with a small amount and then took a little bit more, then I took everything as fast as I could. I eventually blacked out, but I kept continuing taking anything I thought would end it. I only know this cause some things were missing when I came back that I didn't remember taking. I ended up falling all over the place and wandering outside which is when I got picked up by the ambulance. My pulse was very low according to the hospital papers. I was in a coma for multiple days, and woke up on a ventilator paralyzed, and in intense fear for what felt like forever. I was convinced i was paralyzed for good. I eventually was able to move my hands enough to beg for the ventilator to be removed. It was very very uncomfortable. I was crying a lot. I then got taken to the psych ward awhile later. I had injuries on my face from falling, and my voice and throat were in bad shape, but thankfully they healed well. No one came to visit me except my parent. They told me if I ever really ctb they would too. So now I feel trapped. I also feel so guilty for what I put my family through.

A few months later I developed stomach issues and intense migraines. My anxiety and mental problems are still just as bad, and I can't do anything to help myself. I did my best to improve my life to try and be happy, but nothing works. I just wait for my sick parent to die so I can ctb. I will attempt a method that is almost 100% sure to work. I'm scared that I still won't ctb successfully and I will be completely paralyzed. Stuck in my suffering. If this really is hell I'm sure it will happen. I will still try. I just can't take it anymore. I am truly sick, and i hate myself.

Has anyone else experienced feeling like they were living in hell? Does it go away for good?

I'm glad sometimes I feel like life is just life and not some twisted torture. I told my therapist about this and they said if life is hell why do good things happen? To try and give me hope before it's crushed it seems.

Why do you say "parent" instead of mom or dad if i can ask?

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Why do you say "parent" instead of mom or dad if i can ask?

Sorry, I'm not that good at writing. It sounds really weird?

 

[zrk]

Sorry, I'm not that good at writing. It sounds really weird?

I didn't realise your first language isn't english, that's my bad., I was just being pedantic, it sounds fine