I need to go but I need help

[Xta4Love]

Hi dear people of SS,

My nickname means I stand for love.

I have depression with psychotic tendencies, general anxiety disorder, borderline and avoidant personality disorder.

Im in a so called phase housing. It a psychiatric facility. I have a room. There are no treatments here only staying and working on independence. No other mental health care would take me. Im too complex or just not suitable.

I've been in this facility for ten months and I suffer greatly every single day. There is no sign of improvement. I have no job, no house, no relationship, no mental health, no hope, no future. My behaviour is getting worse and worse. In the morning I start crying, screaming and hitting the walls. The nursing staff gets angry at me for disturbing the other clients. They never ask me why I behave the way I do.

I dont want to spend another day crying, screaming and banging against the wall. I feel utterly hopeless and desperate. I dont want to excist anymore .

I have tried to navigate through this forum in search of methods. Im having a difficult time. I have problems with reading and being able to focus. Also english is not my first language.

I read a little about N from D. But he is out of stock. Am I correct?
Im not sure about SN. I fear choking to death. Are there any other methods without doing a whole bunch of research? Any people out there speaking dutch?

Help is appreciated.

Kind regards

 

[Advisor321]

You need to wait for July to talk with D about N restock.
SN is common method, I think if done properly it is quite peacuful, but can generate big survival instinct when eg your skin turns blue after digesting SN

 

[Spyro24]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I chose the SN method. Yes, it's not completely painless and peaceful but it's sure as hell better than the pain I'm going through now.

I speak dutch (from Belgium) so feel free to send me a PM if you would like to talk.

 

[picklemick]

I sympathize with you.

 

[wljourney]

I read a little about N from D. But he is out of stock. Am I correct?

Yes that's correct. It's also quite expensive.

Im not sure about SN. I fear choking to death.

SN wouldn't necessarily make you choke. It may make you vomit if you don't follow the recommended regimen.
It's probably helpful to start reading Stan's guide on SN and the PPeH if you can download it from the pinned resource section.

Are there any other methods without doing a whole bunch of research? Any people out there speaking dutch?

Unfortunately I can't advise choosing any method to CTB without having read up on the details. It will take you a bit longer to collect and process the information, yes. But this is something you and only you can and need to do.

Everyone is different, has different challenges and needs. Therefore your decision needs to be well informed based on your personal circumstances.

I hope you find - even if slowly - what you need and want from here.
Best wishes.