I need people to talk to about this stuff, I'm not okay

[jupiterwinds]

My life is objectively horrific. I'm severely chronically ill and disabled. There are no cures and no effective treatments that exist and/or that I tolerate and can access. I'm high risk for COVID, particularly long COVID, which is my worst fear right now. I'm barely functioning like this and I don't want to get worse. I want to die. Totally abused and neglected by the medical system and by my own family and almost every partner I've had including the one I've been forced to continue living with because my selfish mother won't take COVID precautions for me to live with her again and lashes out at me when I ask.

I can't go anywhere because no one cares about COVID or wears masks anymore and all my high risk friends are getting long COVID or dying one by one because one-way masking isn't enough. I live in terror of a medical emergency for me or my partner where we have to go to the ER and will almost certainly get sick. Now there's monkeypox too. All my friends have bailed and abandoned me because of my pandemic isolating and not wanting to remember there are people still suffering from it. Not that I had many to begin with.

I wish I could talk about how much I want this all to be over but the last thing I need is to get COVID and trauma from being in a psych hospital. I've been treated for mental illness for 30 years and it's never helped because I'm DISABLED and SICK and they can't and won't treat those things. Psych meds don't cure chronic illness and systemic oppression. Therapy is gaslighting and makes everything worse. I'm always going to think about dying because I'm in neglected, untreated chronic agony that keeps getting worse and more disabling.

I'm scared to do it and I have no way to but I think wanting to do it is totally reasonable in this horrible, ableist, pandemic denying, climate fucked world where I can't support myself and have to kowtow to abusers to survive. I've had to do it my whole life. And I don't qualify for disability and I can't go through all of that traumatic ableist shit to get not even enough to survive on so please don't mention it.

There's no advice that could help me. I've tried everything. I've tried to work, tried to get gov support, tried to convince my family I'm not exaggerating my pain and illness so they'd help me. It doesn't work. And now I can't even leave my terrible apartment ever or my emotionally abusive ex and FUCK. And I can't talk about how I feel without making things worse, without risking people harming me because of it. I don't know what to do.

I don't want to be comforted and get more useless advice. Can someone just let me be fucking depressed and angry and suicidal, please?

 

[seekingeternalsleep]

sprry for everything you're suffering, but if you want to vent just to someone my pm's are open, and i can talk about anything you want, I'm not disabled, but i feel you on the covid thing

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so unbearable what you have to endure. It really is such an unfair life and it is awful how our bodies are capable of torturing us to such a great extent. People should not have to suffer in this way and I think that the society needs to allow people the option to exit in a peaceful and reliable way. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your pain.

 

[eternalflame]

It's natural for you to feel that way, bad things is that people expext you to be brain surgeon to admit you can actually be depressed.