NSFW i miss my rapist

[supersigmagoregirl]

two days ago, I went to a rave with my friend and we met these two guys. one of them approached my friend and the other went to me. i thought the guy was really handsome but we were both awkward. I didn't know how to talk to him because I don't go out much and have little social interaction, and I don't even know him. he asked for my number and let me hit his vape and I started coughing and he laughed at me. then we danced a little before he grabbed my face and started kissing me aggressively, and his hand went to touch me and wrap around my throat. i froze up and just let him, i think he was high

he told me let's go to the bathroom, and I don't know why but I followed him. maybe it was because he's older and bigger, probably smarter than me. he raped me there and i let him. it was like a crazy out of body experience and I don't remember the fine details. I told him it hurts but he didn't stop. i could tell he wasn't enjoying himself because he said he needed more stimulation. the entire time i was wondering when it would be over because he was very rough. i was too out of it to satisfy him so he just finished himself off and helped me put my pants back on. he then gave me a kiss on the lips and jaw, that was kinda nice of him

me and my friend had to leave after that and later when i got home i told my family and they were very upset. i was mostly worried about what if i got pregnant and what if my mom kicked me out of the house because im only 18. we went to the hospital to make sure I wasn't injured and law enforcement had to get involved. it turns out i have a tear and some light bleeding, my lower body is very achy, but I don't want to get the guy into any legal trouble

so basically for the people of sanctionedsuicide, I wanted to ask if it's bad that I want to talk to the guy again? what does he think of what happened? did he know that he was taking advantage of me? he seemed very comfortable touching a stranger so he's probably done this before. im not mad at him, every guy in my life has only paid attention to me to look for some sexual favor so im used to it. it felt good to be wanted even if it was just for 30 minutes. he gave me a bracelet and I've been wearing it ever since. he has my number, I wish he would text me or something but I don't blame him since we didn't really have any chemistry and the sex was bad. i kinda latch onto any guy that shows me any kind of affection lol… is my way of thinking just a coping mechanism?

 

[peacebenow]

it is not bad as you feel how you feel. however, he harmed and violeted you. he is not a kind man. you are in major trauma now and trying to make sense out of something awful. it sounds like your family cares about you. if they can set you up to talk to someone about the trauma that you just endured it would be the best thing for you if they have not already. I am so sorry this happened to you.

 

[bluupup]

two days ago, I went to a rave with my friend and we met these two guys. one of them approached my friend and the other went to me. i thought the guy was really handsome but we were both awkward. I didn't know how to talk to him because I don't go out much and have little social interaction, and I don't even know him. he asked for my number and let me hit his vape and I started coughing and he laughed at me. then we danced a little before he grabbed my face and started kissing me aggressively, and his hand went to touch me and wrap around my throat. i froze up and just let him, i think he was high

he told me let's go to the bathroom, and I don't know why but I followed him. maybe it was because he's older and bigger, probably smarter than me. he raped me there and i let him. it was like a crazy out of body experience and I don't remember the fine details. I told him it hurts but he didn't stop. i could tell he wasn't enjoying himself because he said he needed more stimulation. the entire time i was wondering when it would be over because he was very rough. i was too out of it to satisfy him so he just finished himself off and helped me put my pants back on. he then gave me a kiss on the lips and jaw, that was kinda nice of him

me and my friend had to leave after that and later when i got home i told my family and they were very upset. i was mostly worried about what if i got pregnant and what if my mom kicked me out of the house because im only 18. we went to the hospital to make sure I wasn't injured and law enforcement had to get involved. it turns out i have a tear and some light bleeding, my lower body is very achy, but I don't want to get the guy into any legal trouble

so basically for the people of sanctionedsuicide, I wanted to ask if it's bad that I want to talk to the guy again? what does he think of what happened? did he know that he was taking advantage of me? he seemed very comfortable touching a stranger so he's probably done this before. im not mad at him, every guy in my life has only paid attention to me to look for some sexual favor so im used to it. it felt good to be wanted even if it was just for 30 minutes. he gave me a bracelet and I've been wearing it ever since. he has my number, I wish he would text me or something but I don't blame him since we didn't really have any chemistry and the sex was bad. i kinda latch onto any guy that shows me any kind of affection lol… is my way of thinking just a coping mechanism?

no, as a victim of rape, I think about my rapist every day. it is just a coping mechanism, and you should not go back with him. I understand somewhat how you feel though, and SaSu is here for you.

 

[groovygoober]

There is no way I can relate to your experience but it feels like you are just trying to cope through it one way or another thats just how the brain works , but there is no world where it is a good decision to get back with someone who took advantage of you in such a manner .

I hope you realize the value of your existence irrespective of whether other people want you or not , that realization will never come from the outside .

 

[judestfrancis]

its a coping mechanism. no one ever wants to believe someone could really do that, and so you assume best intentions. its not as serious as stockholm syndrome, but its pretty close. women are conditioned to view assault as some sort of validation, a barometer of being wanted and needed, when its just a person removing power from him.
its not wrong to want to talk to him again, but it is incredibly dangerous to. if he was willing to do that to you upon first meeting him, he is willing to do much worse if you got more serious

 

[tonicer]

Don't ever meet that bastard again. Rapists can go from rape to murder on a whim. Don't risk it and don't encourage that behavior. Even if you liked it in a weird way he will learn that it works and will make him think he didn't do anything wrong and do it to more women. See it as a pedagogic measure of sorts. That reminds me of a video where a streamer lady was touched by a stranger and she said "no don't touch me please." but was smiling the entire time so the guy continued because she was sending mixed signals. She cried afterwards and chat told her to call the police or seek shelter somewhere but her reaction will never leave me.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I go through a similar thing. The guy that did things to me was my older cousin that I grew up with. Me and my siblings had to stop seeing him when I was around 11-12 due to our parents arguing and cutting each other off. But I missed him and wished I could have continued spending time with him. And I never told anyone what he did to me cus I was terrified of getting him in trouble. I loved him like a brother and didn't wanna ruin his life.

 

[Bunabelldearest]

I understand this to a painful level but please do not reach out, from experience I reached out to my rapist months after and we began dating and he just raped me again. If he was so comfortable doing it once no doubt he'd do it again. I understand coping and missing him, its perfectly normal and don't feel guilty for feeling that way but reaching out to him is the last thing you should ever do. I really really hope things improve for you, you didn't deserve what he did to you.

 

[mirrorlize]

It is not bad to think or fantasize about it, we cannot choose who we attach to.
But stays away with the guy, actively contacting him can objectively implies that you are somewhat okay with what he did to you.
He raped you, he will just treat you as an sex toy if you approach again.

Highly suggest you stop wearing the bracelet he gave you. It is not hard to find a great man as a woman
You are 18. Better options (men) will approach you sooner or later.

 

[fadedghost]

two days ago, I went to a rave with my friend and we met these two guys. one of them approached my friend and the other went to me. i thought the guy was really handsome but we were both awkward. I didn't know how to talk to him because I don't go out much and have little social interaction, and I don't even know him. he asked for my number and let me hit his vape and I started coughing and he laughed at me. then we danced a little before he grabbed my face and started kissing me aggressively, and his hand went to touch me and wrap around my throat. i froze up and just let him, i think he was high

he told me let's go to the bathroom, and I don't know why but I followed him. maybe it was because he's older and bigger, probably smarter than me. he raped me there and i let him. it was like a crazy out of body experience and I don't remember the fine details. I told him it hurts but he didn't stop. i could tell he wasn't enjoying himself because he said he needed more stimulation. the entire time i was wondering when it would be over because he was very rough. i was too out of it to satisfy him so he just finished himself off and helped me put my pants back on. he then gave me a kiss on the lips and jaw, that was kinda nice of him

me and my friend had to leave after that and later when i got home i told my family and they were very upset. i was mostly worried about what if i got pregnant and what if my mom kicked me out of the house because im only 18. we went to the hospital to make sure I wasn't injured and law enforcement had to get involved. it turns out i have a tear and some light bleeding, my lower body is very achy, but I don't want to get the guy into any legal trouble

so basically for the people of sanctionedsuicide, I wanted to ask if it's bad that I want to talk to the guy again? what does he think of what happened? did he know that he was taking advantage of me? he seemed very comfortable touching a stranger so he's probably done this before. im not mad at him, every guy in my life has only paid attention to me to look for some sexual favor so im used to it. it felt good to be wanted even if it was just for 30 minutes. he gave me a bracelet and I've been wearing it ever since. he has my number, I wish he would text me or something but I don't blame him since we didn't really have any chemistry and the sex was bad. i kinda latch onto any guy that shows me any kind of affection lol… is my way of thinking just a coping mechanism?

you said "he raped me there and i let him."

did you tell him no? or like try to push him or get him to stop? or were you too intoxicated to consent?

you should want this guy to get into legal trouble. find someone nice who will treat you well and throw the bracelet in the metaphorical trash where it belongs. (you shouldn't actually throw it away and instead should provide it to police as evidence, or give it to an attorney if you are suing civilly, which you should.)

if you don't push for legal consequences now, you'll likely regret it years later

you should get a lawyer and sue him in civil court. you don't realize it yet, but this is going to fuck you up psychologically, probably already has and you aren't totally aware of it yet and may be in denial, and the honest truth is it will probably lower the amount of money you will make over your lifetime. Therapy costs money, depression lowers income potential, and you should get a lawyer and civilly sue the fuck out of him and you should contact a lawyer ASAP, like call your county bar association.

in the version of life where you didn't get raped (which doesn't actually exist), perhaps you get a stable job at 25, work for a while, buy a place at 31, marry someone at 32... maybe that still happens, or maybe this fucks that up, maybe you have a deep depression at 24 and don't get that job and need 2 years of expensive therapy, maybe it's harder to connect with people and it impacts your ability to do well and you stay a renter, you don't really know how much this will fuck you up yet and you should get a civil attorney and sue in civil court.

do not be so confused and traumatized as to not be compensated financially by suing civilly.

it's probably normal to have complicated feelings after being raped.

https://rainn.org/ has counselors you can chat with, go chat with them, they are trained and will be helpful

 

[ForgetIExist]

two days ago, I went to a rave with my friend and we met these two guys. one of them approached my friend and the other went to me. i thought the guy was really handsome but we were both awkward. I didn't know how to talk to him because I don't go out much and have little social interaction, and I don't even know him. he asked for my number and let me hit his vape and I started coughing and he laughed at me. then we danced a little before he grabbed my face and started kissing me aggressively, and his hand went to touch me and wrap around my throat. i froze up and just let him, i think he was high

he told me let's go to the bathroom, and I don't know why but I followed him. maybe it was because he's older and bigger, probably smarter than me. he raped me there and i let him. it was like a crazy out of body experience and I don't remember the fine details. I told him it hurts but he didn't stop. i could tell he wasn't enjoying himself because he said he needed more stimulation. the entire time i was wondering when it would be over because he was very rough. i was too out of it to satisfy him so he just finished himself off and helped me put my pants back on. he then gave me a kiss on the lips and jaw, that was kinda nice of him

me and my friend had to leave after that and later when i got home i told my family and they were very upset. i was mostly worried about what if i got pregnant and what if my mom kicked me out of the house because im only 18. we went to the hospital to make sure I wasn't injured and law enforcement had to get involved. it turns out i have a tear and some light bleeding, my lower body is very achy, but I don't want to get the guy into any legal trouble

so basically for the people of sanctionedsuicide, I wanted to ask if it's bad that I want to talk to the guy again? what does he think of what happened? did he know that he was taking advantage of me? he seemed very comfortable touching a stranger so he's probably done this before. im not mad at him, every guy in my life has only paid attention to me to look for some sexual favor so im used to it. it felt good to be wanted even if it was just for 30 minutes. he gave me a bracelet and I've been wearing it ever since. he has my number, I wish he would text me or something but I don't blame him since we didn't really have any chemistry and the sex was bad. i kinda latch onto any guy that shows me any kind of affection lol… is my way of thinking just a coping mechanism?

If he does try to contact you, initiate a community beating and pour boiling water down his pants. Feel free to doxx him here too.

But yeah, definitely a coping mechanism. You deserve to find someone who actually loves you