I messed up again

[Buh-bye!]

I keep relapsing, I keep making things a mess, I keep losing my streak, I keep ruining everything dn I keep falling down this spiral of unworthiness which is obviously evident since I keep doing things that cause me harm and literally affect who I am in a negative sense. I masturbated again and it's taking a toll on me. It's just that each time I try to work on me, things just sort of mess up and I eventually give in to my urges and then everything I did to that point just goes down the train. This cycle has been going on for so long that I even considered giving up wanting to change at all. But dang was that a temporary thing. I am literally not going to fall down and stay there, I will rise and I will rise and I will rise unless I can see myself in the mirror the right way. Masturbation at this point is like an addiction, I mean it's the dopamine and all the happy hormones that make my head feel so cozy and whatnot. That was not me though. The entire time I had this voice in my head knowing it's wrong and wanting to fight it. I guess the stress won. That wasn't me, that was my stress. That being concluded, now it's time to be me again. Rise and shine sweetheart.

I still love you.

Good night to anybody reading this.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I expect we all fall off the wagon with what we're trying to quit or, improve upon. From there though, I think is the more important decision. Either we let it drag us all the way down and act as a gateway to keep relapsing or, we just think- whoops- I f*cked up. Just need to put it behind me and do better.

I get it that it's trickier though- when it's something addictive. It was binge eating for me. Very difficult to avoid future binges once I'd relented the day before but, still possible. I hope you can forgive yourself and, move on.