Venting I look disgusting

[ryders]

Even after graduating from high school, I still appear to be exactly the same person who clung to this routine: Avoid making eye contact, keep your head down, walk quickly to avoid their sight, hope my hair is long enough to cover my imperfections, avoid smiling, and hide.

Every time I scan the faces of those around me, I end up feeling even more insecure. They are so lovely, I feel like I will never be able to be on their level. I can't even do simple tasks without feeling overwhelmed with the thought that I look weird.
The simple tasks I speak of are such as being in front of someone, where they can scan my every move and see my flaws. I never even experimented with my style or anything during high school because I was petrified of looking weird, and I was especially scared of the comments my parents would make like they usually do. There's so much more details I could've added, but I believe this is enough to give anyone an idea as to what I mean. Sorry if this is such a wimpy thing to admit lol, I just want to know if anyone else experiences this.

 

[Thefuture]

I know how you feel. I don't wanna be perceived.

 

[NoIdeaForAUsername]

Even after graduating from high school, I still appear to be exactly the same person who clung to this routine: Avoid making eye contact, keep your head down, walk quickly to avoid their sight, hope my hair is long enough to cover my imperfections, avoid smiling, and hide.

Every time I scan the faces of those around me, I end up feeling even more insecure. They are so lovely, I feel like I will never be able to be on their level. I can't even do simple tasks without feeling overwhelmed with the thought that I look weird.
The simple tasks I speak of are such as being in front of someone, where they can scan my every move and see my flaws. I never even experimented with my style or anything during high school because I was petrified of looking weird, and I was especially scared of the comments my parents would make like they usually do. There's so much more details I could've added, but I believe this is enough to give anyone an idea as to what I mean. Sorry if this is such a wimpy thing to admit lol, I just want to know if anyone else experiences this.

Well, the issue is not about how you look, but you being fixated on how you look. We live in times when you can even change your entire appearance; you just need to have enough money. What I mean is that the entire look focus is just stupid, while there are so many other things life offers.

Also, how do really hideous people get married with children? Like, I mean actual fkin monsters with weird-shaped bodies and disgusting faces? I remember that one family I was always seeing in church when I was living in my parents house as a kid. They had 2 children (really nice-looking babies, I mean, not ugly) and a very expensive car. That woman was actually a natural woman, I believe, but she looked totally masculine; she looked like a literal guy dressed as a woman; her chin was like an ideal square; if she would dress like a man, then she would look like a perfect soldier. Somehow she managed to become a wife, a mother, and a rich person. Do you think she cares now that she is literally disgusting? Well... Most likely she would love to be more pretty, but the thing is, she doesn't need it at all because she already have so much value in her life.

So the overall idea about caring too much about appearance is connected to your emptiness and ignorance. My advice would be to focus on things that represent actual value.

 

[Groundhog_Day]

I have avoidant personality disorder, and can relate to what you said. I've always felt inferior and I'm certain everyone else thinks I'm inferior

Body dysmorphic disorder is also very common. It's possible your mind has a unrealistically negative view of how you look. This then gets reinforced by you feeling shame, not making eye contact etc. and coming across awkwardly. People can think you are shy or aloof, and not interact with you, and your mind will incorrectly conclude it's because you look disgusting. There is a good chance you just look completely normal.

Unfortunately, whilst I have avpd I also have marfan syndrome. I've been told my many people that I am an ugly freak, so unfortunately it's not body dysmorphic disorder in my case.

 

[k1m]

Aww I get it, I was a pretty plump kid, precociously hairy, an aspie, I was teased quite a bit growing up. I know what you mean, I used to feel a strong urge to cover myself up and not be seen, not look at people directly, etc.

What really helped me leave it behind was sitting out and watching other people. I would go to the cafeteria and look at everyone's faces, eyes, hair, noses, chins... The way they talked and smiled with their friends, or just sat and ate...

There's many ways I would describe people but I realized by doing this that "ugly" isn't one of them. It's just not what anyone is thinking about you.

 

[whywere]

I will start by mentioning that I am 69 and the ONLY for this is since back in the 1960's and all the experience I have had with my thoughts on how I look and how I was/am perceived by others and the public at large.

Back in the 1960's. like everyone young, I wanted to "fit" in with others. BUT, growing up ultra poor I did not have the resources to "keep" up. It was painful to say the least.

Then in the 1970's after high school and on my own the aspect of keep up meant nothing, the idea of food, shelter and clothing was of a much higher priority. I did not fit in, and it hit like heavens.

Then in the 1980's forward to today, after I got out of college, I went at the age of 24 to 28, I learned really quick, at least for me, the true meaning of fitting in and happiness as far as who others thought of me.

IT DID NOT MATTER ONE IOTA. What others thought of me, as they did NOT pay my bills or make me any or less popular with the ladies.

Be YOU and never ever anyone else. I never ever tried to "fit in" with anyone and also I do not have any egotistical, greedy or self-centered aspects at all/ I could care less if someone else is driving a BMW, my KIA works just fine and if someone does not want to be around me because of the KIA then it just shows that it always would be a no go.

I am talk, very lanky and zero muscles and way back when some ladies thought I was a freaky looking guy. I learned really quick by watching that they never meant a hill of beans and in the end were alone anyways, so self-defeating for them.

You are a wonderful, kind and VERY caring person, as just the way you wrote your post shows how you think towards others with very wonderful humanistic qualities.

ALWAYS BE YOU and NEVER EVER try to run after the crowd. It is a 100% waste of time and if someone does not like the "way" you look, act, the list goes on, guess what? they would still find something about you, again a waste of time and energy.

You WILL do and be great and stay true to yourself and things will come into place, sometimes it takes some time, I hit my stride in my 30's and never ever looked back.

You ARE wonderful, be kind to yourself, do NOT beat yourself up, everything WILL work out and you ARE a precious spirit.

Walter

 

[ForeverLonely82]

dude, I am 43. I have a punchable and pukable face ever. I am sure I am worse looking than you.