Lou_Charthethird
A lifeless husk
- Dec 19, 2025
- 63
(Sorry if this is too long, feel free to ignore)
For ages ive felt absolutely numb and nothing at all, extremely nothing at all. No pain, no happiness, no grasp of my existence. Nothing. This has been spurred on most likely out of trauma, and will be the main factor in my suicide, barring a major fundamental change in the way my brain functions, which by the looks of it, wont be happening.
Before such, i remember, in an actuality rather than an emotional remembrance, an absolute hellish life. I purely hated my existence, felt beneath that of my peers, and lived in a isolated bubble. my only source of hope to keep going was actually suicide- the thought of having a eternal escape route was the most control i ever felt ive ever felt. I was most likely suffering from AvPD. The complexities of which ive forgotten along with any sense of identity. I know it sounds like it makes no sense, for one to *used* to have a personality disorder, and maybe i am mischaracterizing my situation, but if it were not purely AvPD, it is something akin to it i believe. I have such a fragile outlook on my past however, ive cannot truly comprehend or accept its existence which is a contributing factor to my dissociation.
Another example of extremes I've endured are through my ethnicity and heritage as a jew.
Growing up where i Did, i was empowered due to my ethnicity. I was essentially told i was above the level of normal people, that i was special, and part of the chosen nation of god. This worthiness was multiplied by the white color of my skin, and my sexuality and gender identity (-cishet, even if i am not cishet now).i appreciated this system as a kid, as any other kid would. Who wouldnt love the idea of being special?
But growing up past 13, i just wanted to be normal, as everyone else was.
Now this is hard to talk about since this discusses my current thoughts and feelings, which arent valid, nor grounded in reality, as i am not a real person anymore. But for the sake of continuity of the theme of extremes, i shall continue.
i realized that the outside world, despite having examples of diversity and acceptance, has many examples of hatred, bigotry, racism, and as it relates to my heritage-antisemitism.
so i am either part of gods chosen nation, or scum of the earth, and the in between lies within ignorance of the polars of the scale, of which i will always choose to acknowledge.
I would like to say my jewish heritage is very a very minimal factor in my suicide. Is my birth in this extremist religious community SINGLE HANDEDLY the reason for my eventual suicide? Yes, without question. But an active reason to kill myself? No, not largely.
the main reason, as ive said before, is my numb, dissociative, dysfunctional brain, incurred its negative titles by supreme trauma, that i cannot fathom.
I cannot fathom it, just as i cannot fathom my existence, nor the worlds existence. I cant understand that life is still going, i cant accept anything, i cant fathom the idea that emotions exist.
I am getting too unhinged so ill stop now before i ruin this post.
For ages ive felt absolutely numb and nothing at all, extremely nothing at all. No pain, no happiness, no grasp of my existence. Nothing. This has been spurred on most likely out of trauma, and will be the main factor in my suicide, barring a major fundamental change in the way my brain functions, which by the looks of it, wont be happening.
Before such, i remember, in an actuality rather than an emotional remembrance, an absolute hellish life. I purely hated my existence, felt beneath that of my peers, and lived in a isolated bubble. my only source of hope to keep going was actually suicide- the thought of having a eternal escape route was the most control i ever felt ive ever felt. I was most likely suffering from AvPD. The complexities of which ive forgotten along with any sense of identity. I know it sounds like it makes no sense, for one to *used* to have a personality disorder, and maybe i am mischaracterizing my situation, but if it were not purely AvPD, it is something akin to it i believe. I have such a fragile outlook on my past however, ive cannot truly comprehend or accept its existence which is a contributing factor to my dissociation.
Another example of extremes I've endured are through my ethnicity and heritage as a jew.
Growing up where i Did, i was empowered due to my ethnicity. I was essentially told i was above the level of normal people, that i was special, and part of the chosen nation of god. This worthiness was multiplied by the white color of my skin, and my sexuality and gender identity (-cishet, even if i am not cishet now).i appreciated this system as a kid, as any other kid would. Who wouldnt love the idea of being special?
But growing up past 13, i just wanted to be normal, as everyone else was.
Now this is hard to talk about since this discusses my current thoughts and feelings, which arent valid, nor grounded in reality, as i am not a real person anymore. But for the sake of continuity of the theme of extremes, i shall continue.
i realized that the outside world, despite having examples of diversity and acceptance, has many examples of hatred, bigotry, racism, and as it relates to my heritage-antisemitism.
so i am either part of gods chosen nation, or scum of the earth, and the in between lies within ignorance of the polars of the scale, of which i will always choose to acknowledge.
I would like to say my jewish heritage is very a very minimal factor in my suicide. Is my birth in this extremist religious community SINGLE HANDEDLY the reason for my eventual suicide? Yes, without question. But an active reason to kill myself? No, not largely.
the main reason, as ive said before, is my numb, dissociative, dysfunctional brain, incurred its negative titles by supreme trauma, that i cannot fathom.
I cannot fathom it, just as i cannot fathom my existence, nor the worlds existence. I cant understand that life is still going, i cant accept anything, i cant fathom the idea that emotions exist.
I am getting too unhinged so ill stop now before i ruin this post.
