I literally don’t know what to do

[Tonight634]

I was miserable so I tried to kill myself, ended up hospitalised, tried medications, tried my best I really did to recover, to get better, tried to live my life do things. But my body or brain idek doesn't allow me to move on from the pain, everytime I feel a bit happy or a sense relief, my body goes into full blown anxiety attack. I feel even worse. I've tried to kms a couple more times, my SI or whatever it is that is keeping me here always wins. I can't cry anymore, my organs literally hurt from all that crying, it doesn't even alleviate my feelings. Back then it felt like a cleansing, I would feel better after a good cry, now it's just duh, nothing...Back then I would think oh, if things get really bad I'll just end it - now I know I won't end shit I can't. Overeating used to help me release all the stress, not anymore. Talking about it and complaining together with my friend used to be so relieving and it gave me a sense of hope for some reason, now it's gone. I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do...There was always something for me to do as the next step, now I'm floating here not knowing how to continue...Gosh what else is there prepared for me I've had enough and yet apparently not enough yet to die...I even feel bad for posting here, I have absolutely no self esteem, nothing, I'm just an empty shell or what
Sorry guys for the long text it's just I really need to get it out somewhere, I've been crying and screaming this shit out for hours now

 

[Snake of Eden]

I relate. Im in exact same conundrum. I tell myself if things get bad i will just ctb but i know it is all bs. I cant live and i cant die. Im tired of this

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. It is difficult to exit this world as we are programmed to survive. If it was easier, I would already be gone. I can imagine it must be a hopeless feeling to try and recover and yet things do not work out. Living really is painful, I understand that. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[toforigivelife]

I was miserable so I tried to kill myself, ended up hospitalised, tried medications, tried my best I really did to recover, to get better, tried to live my life do things. But my body or brain idek doesn't allow me to move on from the pain, everytime I feel a bit happy or a sense relief, my body goes into full blown anxiety attack. I feel even worse. I've tried to kms a couple more times, my SI or whatever it is that is keeping me here always wins. I can't cry anymore, my organs literally hurt from all that crying, it doesn't even alleviate my feelings. Back then it felt like a cleansing, I would feel better after a good cry, now it's just duh, nothing...Back then I would think oh, if things get really bad I'll just end it - now I know I won't end shit I can't. Overeating used to help me release all the stress, not anymore. Talking about it and complaining together with my friend used to be so relieving and it gave me a sense of hope for some reason, now it's gone. I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do...There was always something for me to do as the next step, now I'm floating here not knowing how to continue...Gosh what else is there prepared for me I've had enough and yet apparently not enough yet to die...I even feel bad for posting here, I have absolutely no self esteem, nothing, I'm just an empty shell or what
Sorry guys for the long text it's just I really need to get it out somewhere, I've been crying and screaming this shit out for hours now

I'm glad that you came here and got it out. I hoped getting it out was at least a little helpful.

You truly have been to hell and back and are still living that same hell.

The severe anxiety, the clinical depression, the hell of living through this and yet feeling like you can't end your own suffering?

Don't let anyone invalidate your feelings, your mental health struggles or invalidate what you've been through and are going through.

I wish I had a solution or the answers for you. I'd give anything to relieve you of all of this.

Keep posting if you have questions or if there is anything we here on SS can at least try and help you with.

I would suggest reaching out to a healthcare professional but you've been down that road, you know what medical and professional help is and maybe right now you need to take it day by day (in times like this you feel like you're taking things minute by minute).

If you think seeking outside help is the answer please do that. Right now just do as much self-care as you can.

I'm so sorry that you're in this very painful place my friend.

 

[clown_17]

This is exactly how I feel. There's no end to this hell. Unable to live, unable to die. The quality of life is just so low