lanadelreyisgod223
Member
- Jan 9, 2026
- 51
honestly, i am terrified of death and what comes after. i hope it'll be warm and i'll be running through a sun flower field, as happy as i was when i was a child and reunited with my brother. the thought of there being nothing after terrifies me. i can't fathom just experiencing nothing, and not existing. but with all that fear, i know this is how i'll go and i know it's coming soon for me. i don't have any hope left, or any desire to continue living this lie. i try so hard to fight to be here, everyday i try so hard and it comes back even when i'm so happy. i could have everything i've ever wanted, and it would still come back. it'll never go away. there is no fixing this. my life ended when i was 12. i stopped being alive after my body was permanently mutilated by male puberty, there is no reversing that. there is no happy ending. there isn't ANYTHING here for me. it is so so selfish for people to try and force me to stay alive, when i know nothing good waits for me. traumatic and painful surgeries to somewhat resemble a woman? or worse, just a feminized man? i'd rather lay in front of a train. i don't want to leave my cat. he would think i abandoned him, and i couldn't forgive myself for that. i am just hoping my mom will take him and take good care of him for me. i don't have a method yet, but i am considering FSH or SN. i'd prefer SN, so i could just lay down and go to sleep for good. there would be no more waking up in this nightmare of a life. no more avoiding windows and mirrors everytime i walk by them so i don't have to see my reflection. i am my own worst enemy, and i'm ready to kill that stupid ass hoe.
