I know this is dumb. But I am so bored it's painful. Rant

[fedup1982]

Now that I'm not depressed, not psychotic, not physically restless, I still would rather not exist.

Why?

I dont know. Maybe it's just habit. I first wanted to die when I was 6 before I knew the word suicide.

It's a kind of nervous boredom. Adhd that they refuse to medicate I expect. And autism really restricts my interests. I switch between activities every few minutes, desperate for that nect hit of dopamine.

And that's not the only hit I'm frustratedly chasing. Weed. Cutting down is hard. I need to save the money.

I've kind of given up with suicide for the moment, although I'm tempted to start saving up amitryptaline for the ling term in case something happens. I owe it to my girlfriend to have at least a few more decades on this earth. Decades. That's how long I have to endure this pointlessness.

At least I have a girlfriend. I should be more grateful. I'm grateful for the good moments but what goes up must come down. One day it will all end. How badly? We'll see.

I wonder if my actively suicidal days are over. Probably not. Ive had many episodes of psychosis and depression, so I should expect more. But hopefully these latest meds will be better than the others

 

[Dingusguy]

That's rough, I hope the decades you decide to spend will be worth it, maybe you'll come to cherish exisiting later? Maybe not, I hope you do end up feeling better.
And I hope your new meds help you, I don't know you but you sound like you deserve a break, and I hope you get it soon