I just want to be ok :(

[abruptum]

I can act normal and put on a mask and make myself look "normal" to others, but that only makes me feel even worse for feeling the need to hide my true self and keeps me constantly second guessing my actions on if im being "fake" or not. I try to keep my personality honest but theres so much where I question myself and im just tired, tired of constantly second guessing myself, tired of masking for other people to feel comfortable, tired of feeling not good enough. Its so exhausting. I just want to get this feeling out of me. Every day I try to not struggle in existing and its like each day gets harder and harder whether I feel the burning inside myself or not. I want to feel the way that I act, maybe I am the way I act and just have good seperation between what to filter in daily conversation. But it pains me to not know whether im being real or fake. I just want to know that im not lying to myself and others. I want to be confident, I want to be funny. I want to be someone people can lean on. And im not sure if i can be any of those or if i am all of those and just second guessing myself. Its just such a tug of war in my brain and im over it. I wish it would all just stop. Id honestly give anything for this feeling to subside. I just cant take it anymore and im sorry to anyone who ive ever talked to because I dont know if you know the real me. I hope maybe you know the real me because then at least one of us would know who am.

 

[Neowise]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I can relate, I also try to hide my true character because I am afraid people will just laugh at me or turn away from me.
I'm not very funny, I'm not very smart. I just pretend to be interesting. I question myself, try to please others and yet don't ever feel good enough. Basically what you already wrote.

You seem ok to me though :) You won't need to hide yourself here on SS, we accept you the way you are!

 

[Tabbyql]

Totally relate I'm sorry its like that for you. Neowise is right, you can be you on here, no judgements just acceptance.

 

[WornOutLife]

I know that feeling.
Pretending is my only way to have proper social relationships.
I love my job but if I didn't put a smiling face and say something like "I want to ctb", I would end up instantly unemployed.

During the last 3 years, I got so fed up with pretending that ended up becoming a NEET. Then, things just got worse and I tried to ctb last year and my life became hell for 6 months.

Now, I only pretend a little bit because I really enjoy my job and I have no friends left and the only one who I really talk to is my (and also pretend when I'm with him because I don't want him to know I'm still suicidal)

I guess the less I pretend, the better I feel.

Anyway, hope you can sort this out and don't have to go through the hell I did.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Leiden]

Me too, so bad :(
I can't even act like I'm okay.
I'm sorry you are feeling like this

 

[Meditation guide]

I want to feel the way that I act, maybe I am the way I act and just have good seperation between what to filter in daily conversation. But it pains me to not know whether im being real or fake. I just want to know that im not lying to myself and others. I want to be confident, I want to be funny. I want to be someone people can lean on. And im not sure if i can be any of those or if i am all of those and just second guessing myself.

You are the way you act.

One thing I admire a lot about you is what you call the filter in daily conversation. I'm unfiltered and it's not so great. You are confident and funny, and are simply second guessing yourself.

I like how you are thoughtful before you speak, which is such a helpful trait.

You also express your feelings well. I hope you write more about how you are feeling and thinking.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can relate, I feel like I have to act an certain way in front of others and it can get exhausting. I think one of the worst things about being human is when we are trapped by our own thoughts and they can torture us. I wish you the best and I hope you find some relief.