I just want my life to end but …

[suicidalcatlady]

But I'm too terrified to fail after becoming gravely disabled for over a year after a failed attempt and police neglect. I had to relearn how to walk for about a year with a walker, had to get orthotics. Also was ill afterwards due to the attempt with a stomach ulcer and a kidney stone that were both extremely painful and made me lose a bunch of weight and become severely underweight which lead to even more issues. And it's too hard to obtain substances that will actually end my life instead of just leaving me more disabled and still alive. I am suffering so much and yet I can't make my life even worse and still be alive. I am so so miserable. I just want this all to end. Please.

 

[GleefulGrimshade]

I understand how exhausted you are and how terrifying the idea of failing again feels. After everything you've been through, your body not working, the constant pain, the long recovery, the illnesses, it makes sense to be afraid of ending up even more damaged and still alive. That isn't weakness, it's clarity shaped by experience. What you're saying doesn't sound like a simple wish to die, but like a desperate need for the suffering to stop crushing you every day. Your pain is real and heavy, and it shouldn't be minimized or questioned. I don't know what the right answer is, but I do know you shouldn't have to carry all of this alone, and that your suffering deserves to be heard without judgment.