I just remembered one of my old coping skills

[guayabas]

It's been so long since I've wanted to ctb that I forgot. I had a rule not to think too far into the future. For a while it was so bad I wasn't allowed to think farther than a few days into the future. Eventually it got to no further than 3 months into the future.

At a certain point, in the earlier days of dating my current partner, I started allowing myself to think decades into the future. A friend of mine vouched for him, they'd known each other for years so I thought he was safe.

Within 2 weeks of moving in with me he completely changed. He went from wanting to spend every single second with me, (like wouldn't go home for a couple weeks, and got sad when I told him I needed space) to him not even greeting me when he got home anymore and then complaining about how often he saw me.

anyways, I guess I should go back to my old rule. I have a plan to get out, it's just gonna take 1-2 years to get everything in place. I just have to figure out how to survive the isolation and his psychological abuse until then

 

[thx1138]

Sorry that you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate you. That can be so difficult. I have no relationships at all, which is a problem of itself, but sometimes I wonder if it's truly better than being in a bad relationship? I don't know. The rule not to think too far into the future sounds smart. If I think about the future, I get too overwhelmed. So you're right, let's take it one day at a time. Hopefully things will work out for you sooner than you think. Hugs

 

[guayabas]

Sorry that you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate you. That can be so difficult. I have no relationships at all, which is a problem of itself, but sometimes I wonder if it's truly better than being in a bad relationship? I don't know. The rule not to think too far into the future sounds smart. If I think about the future, I get too overwhelmed. So you're right, let's take it one day at a time. Hopefully things will work out for you sooner than you think. Hugs

thank you <3

I def prefer to be in no relationship at all than in a bad one. I've gone 10 yrs without dating before. having a snuggly pet helps

good luck taking it one day at a time, I hope it helps

 

[NeverEnding]

It is hard not to look to the future but your plan is definitely the way to go. I'm in a relationship, I found out my partner cheated on me and we are trying but failing to sort it out. I know he still chats with the people he cheated on me with and I asked him to stop - he won't as he says it makes him happy - but makes me spiral downwards. I check up on what he's doing constantly. I'm staring to feel like ripping the band aid off, deal with the hurt breakup brings and at least if I have nobody to consider/worry about it make make me lonelier but happier.

At least then I can live for today, not worry about tomorrow and what else shit may happen.

 

[Sulyya]

I'm not sure if it's working but I try to think about just the week even - what will I have gotten done? If it's one useful thing then that's something to rest on. Any progress at all. Best of luck getting away. There's no way to get away somewhere temporary faster? So much can happen in a couple years. I don't want to discourage your idea though, you know more about it than I do (which is nothing).

 

[kindalone]

I think this technique is quite good. I did it sporadically to calm myself in certain moments. But I always fell into the habit of thinking too far ahead and getting overwhelmed with dread and fear. I may have to use it again. Maybe only thinking an hour ahead.

 

[guayabas]

It is hard not to look to the future but your plan is definitely the way to go. I'm in a relationship, I found out my partner cheated on me and we are trying but failing to sort it out. I know he still chats with the people he cheated on me with and I asked him to stop - he won't as he says it makes him happy - but makes me spiral downwards. I check up on what he's doing constantly. I'm staring to feel like ripping the band aid off, deal with the hurt breakup brings and at least if I have nobody to consider/worry about it make make me lonelier but happier.

At least then I can live for today, not worry about tomorrow and what else shit may happen.

omg I am so sorry you're dealing with this. he's not thinking of your feelings or needs at all. I think it may take a little time to grieve but in the long run I think you're right it'll hurt less if you rip the bandaid off. You deserve so much better.

I'm not sure if it's working but I try to think about just the week even - what will I have gotten done? If it's one useful thing then that's something to rest on. Any progress at all. Best of luck getting away. There's no way to get away somewhere temporary faster? So much can happen in a couple years. I don't want to discourage your idea though, you know more about it than I do (which is nothing).

this is another coping skill I used when I was bed bound for 6 months. I wrote down one thing I accomplished everyday. which is hard to do when you can't leave bed, you gotta get creative. It helped me find value in myself that wasn't dependent on being able bodied though and helped my self esteem in the long run too. I was able to say things like made a friend laugh or cheered someone up. I was extremely suicidal at that time and some days all I accomplished was not ctb, but I acknowledge the amount of hard work that took.

I'm disabled so there's just more factors for me when it comes to getting out/finding new housing/safe roommates/etc. I don't wanna get into details but my plan makes sure I have everything I need and then some. I'll be set up to where I don't have to depend on roommates ever again. I feel like I keep getting into this trap where I put up with terrible roommates bc I've had worse and ppl take advantage of my situation.

tysm for your support and respect, it's much appreciated <3

I think this technique is quite good. I did it sporadically to calm myself in certain moments. But I always fell into the habit of thinking too far ahead and getting overwhelmed with dread and fear. I may have to use it again. Maybe only thinking an hour ahead.

I hope it helps <3

It's ok if you catch yourself thinking far ahead again. I still did. When I noticed I was doing it, I tried to interrupt it with thoughts about today and tomorrow. your coping skills don't have to be perfect to help, they're not all or nothing. it's never too late to start implementing them again. good luck!

 

[BornHated]

Literally had to do this since I was like... 11? 12? My parents were control freaks with very clear ideas about what career I would be doing since that age and almost every minute of my life was monitored and controlled.
Can vouch for it keeping me around until now along some other things (couldn't leave my dog alone with my abusive parents as I knew he wouldn't survive) resolved. Like, when your whole life plan is laid out for you like that and you clearly don't want it at all- I only let myself think about what video games I was looking forward to.
I'm turning 26 in less than a month.

Really works on crisis periods, too. Parents dragged me back to their home country and I had a horrible time adapting, 1st year uni was rough but I was playing a cool team PvP game for my allowed hour every day after getting home from school because I was doing miserably and suddenly had the daily chance to CTB under multiple trains for commute. I needed ONE positive emotion guaranteed daily and that was it. Fuck scholarships and perfect grades, fuck thinking about the dread of the last year project and job search, it was That Game or Die.

Granted, nowadays my safety and survival are not guaranteed since everything can change at the drop of a hat in my current life situation- I can get kicked out for any reason at any moment even at my best behavior- so I do have to learn and plan my CTB in case I decide a much earlier date than I would've otherwise liked. Working on it now.
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Also shoutout bc I know how hard you can be damaged by a shit partner even if it's not like physical abuse, I only had 1 in my life and it was also a "recommendation" by a friend (that I was unaware of it being that, I wasn't looking). Derailed me in a super important period of my time in my early 20s and I consider it one factor contributing towards me wanting to CTB now.

It made me sad to read that you also had to deal with horrible roomates after all that. I sometimes feel like the world is only cut out comfortably for the psychopathics/normie-spectrum sympathy people... Ugh.

 

[guayabas]

Literally had to do this since I was like... 11? 12? My parents were control freaks with very clear ideas about what career I would be doing since that age and almost every minute of my life was monitored and controlled.
Can vouch for it keeping me around until now along some other things (couldn't leave my dog alone with my abusive parents as I knew he wouldn't survive) resolved. Like, when your whole life plan is laid out for you like that and you clearly don't want it at all- I only let myself think about what video games I was looking forward to.
I'm turning 26 in less than a month.

Really works on crisis periods, too. Parents dragged me back to their home country and I had a horrible time adapting, 1st year uni was rough but I was playing a cool team PvP game for my allowed hour every day after getting home from school because I was doing miserably and suddenly had the daily chance to CTB under multiple trains for commute. I needed ONE positive emotion guaranteed daily and that was it. Fuck scholarships and perfect grades, fuck thinking about the dread of the last year project and job search, it was That Game or Die.

Granted, nowadays my safety and survival are not guaranteed since everything can change at the drop of a hat in my current life situation- I can get kicked out for any reason at any moment even at my best behavior- so I do have to learn and plan my CTB in case I decide a much earlier date than I would've otherwise liked. Working on it now.
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Also shoutout bc I know how hard you can be damaged by a shit partner even if it's not like physical abuse, I only had 1 in my life and it was also a "recommendation" by a friend (that I was unaware of it being that, I wasn't looking). Derailed me in a super important period of my time in my early 20s and I consider it one factor contributing towards me wanting to CTB now.

It made me sad to read that you also had to deal with horrible roomates after all that. I sometimes feel like the world is only cut out comfortably for the psychopathics/normie-spectrum sympathy people... Ugh.

jfc that is so much, I'm sorry you went through that and are going through similar things still. my family was never that bad, but I remember between 12 and 18 I was also heavily monitored by family and that's when my suicidal ideation started. luckily they didn't get on my case about school too much but literally the only time I had away from them was school. I didn't even have a bedroom for a couple years. And even after I turned 18 they tried to insist I couldn't go anywhere without adult supervision. Luckily I was able to move out.

I met my shit partner at my friend's house but they didn't like set us up or anything. But when I saw a couple red flags, like love bombing, I told them I was worried he was a narcissist. But he had my friend fooled so they were just like nooooo, he's a good guy, one of 3 I'd ever vouch for.

I had recently gotten out of a relationship with a narcissist so I was kinda on edge with everybody and figured I was just being overly cautious and my friend would know better than me. They're super apologetic about it though. They had no idea he was like this. I basically learned most ppl, whether they have a disorder or not, are pretty shitty at being accountable and adult communication lol

thx for sharing your experience. I hope you're able to get a better living situation somehow. Unstable housing is one of the most stressful things to deal with. I get having a ctb backup plan can be comforting. I hope you're able to figure a different way out of your situation but if not, I understand ctb <3

 

[BornHated]

Spoiler

jfc that is so much, I'm sorry you went through that and are going through similar things still. my family was never that bad, but I remember between 12 and 18 I was also heavily monitored by family and that's when my suicidal ideation started. luckily they didn't get on my case about school too much but literally the only time I had away from them was school. I didn't even have a bedroom for a couple years. And even after I turned 18 they tried to insist I couldn't go anywhere without adult supervision. Luckily I was able to move out.

I met my shit partner at my friend's house but they didn't like set us up or anything. But when I saw a couple red flags, like love bombing, I told them I was worried he was a narcissist. But he had my friend fooled so they were just like nooooo, he's a good guy, one of 3 I'd ever vouch for.

I had recently gotten out of a relationship with a narcissist so I was kinda on edge with everybody and figured I was just being overly cautious and my friend would know better than me. They're super apologetic about it though. They had no idea he was like this. I basically learned most ppl, whether they have a disorder or not, are pretty shitty at being accountable and adult communication lol

thx for sharing your experience. I hope you're able to get a better living situation somehow. Unstable housing is one of the most stressful things to deal with. I get having a ctb backup plan can be comforting. I hope you're able to figure a different way out of your situation but if not, I understand ctb <3

Ohh my GOD, I feel that. My mother moved into what should've been "my" bedroom and decorated it how she wanted it because she married my father just for convenience p much. Not having a bedroom was something I didn't realize was not normal for most people growing up in the US. It's true, that round-the-clock lack of privacy drives people mad. That sort of monitoring is also dangerous because it can get you falling behind on key social instincts.

Yeah :( always, always go with your gut...Idk how it goes for you but luckily after that experience and a lot of time ruminating and observing people I have an easier time spotting troubling behavior and mindsets.
I would've been doing way better if I had, but when literally almost anything treats you better than your own mother you kind of assume that degree of discomfort is natural, esp. when you never got to see much else. It's horrid.

I guess our experiences pointed us to similar conclusions- that it's much better to stand on your own feet than trust others too much. People can screw you over even if not actively trying to, though many sure are trying with intent. Some people are naturally calibrated towards identifying their own needs and going for them at any cost, and for those of us on the opposite side of that coin we have to take extra care for ourselves ;_;

I have really low hopes for living the sort of life I'd actually want and I sensed it would be the case early on; I know clear as day my mother wouldn't allow it and I won't survive my country's rent spiking for moving out.
Thank you for sharing as well, and for the good wishes! I hope things go better for you as well, being able to hold on your own is the key thing in this life, I feel

 

[guayabas]

Ohh my GOD, I feel that. My mother moved into what should've been "my" bedroom and decorated it how she wanted it because she married my father just for convenience p much. Not having a bedroom was something I didn't realize was not normal for most people growing up in the US. It's true, that round-the-clock lack of privacy drives people mad. That sort of monitoring is also dangerous because it can get you falling behind on key social instincts.

Yeah :( always, always go with your gut...Idk how it goes for you but luckily after that experience and a lot of time ruminating and observing people I have an easier time spotting troubling behavior and mindsets.
I would've been doing way better if I had, but when literally almost anything treats you better than your own mother you kind of assume that degree of discomfort is natural, esp. when you never got to see much else. It's horrid.

I guess our experiences pointed us to similar conclusions- that it's much better to stand on your own feet than trust others too much. People can screw you over even if not actively trying to, though many sure are trying with intent. Some people are naturally calibrated towards identifying their own needs and going for them at any cost, and for those of us on the opposite side of that coin we have to take extra care for ourselves ;_;

I have really low hopes for living the sort of life I'd actually want and I sensed it would be the case early on; I know clear as day my mother wouldn't allow it and I won't survive my country's rent spiking for moving out.
Thank you for sharing as well, and for the good wishes! I hope things go better for you as well, being able to hold on your own is the key thing in this life, I feel

yes! I felt so socially behind for decades tbh

my grandparents just treated me like I was guilty of everything my mother did when she was a teenager, like if they left me alone for 1 minute I was gonna turn into some 13 year old pregnant drug addict. It was ridiculous. Especially since I was terrified of using drugs or alcohol back then bc of how my mom treated me (as I got older I realized it wasn't drugs, she was just a terrible person lol), and I also saw how hard being a single mom was for her. I decided when I was like 10 that I never wanted children.

The few times they let me go to a friend's house, their parents would be terrified of me bc my grandparents would take them aside and tell them under no circumstances should I be left unsupervised with their kid. Like, oh yes, this high school social reject, a virgin who's terrified of drugs and alcohol is a danger to your kid lmao. Luckily they always ended up coming to the conclusion that my grandparents were unreasonable and creepy.

It was hard though to constantly be treated like I was a "bad kid" when I was doing everything that I was "supposed" to be doing, by their standards. I never got credit for that

I wish I knew more about resources/social services in other countries. In the US I could probably help you figure something out. Some places do WWOOF where you can have your housing and food provided in exchange for working on a farm. That's def not accessible to a lot of ppl though, it's hard work. And you'd have to figure out how to get there. If credit cards are an option, you can go that route but it's hard to get one if you don't have credit or you have bad credit or no income

 

[another@]

It's been so long since I've wanted to ctb that I forgot. I had a rule not to think too far into the future. For a while it was so bad I wasn't allowed to think farther than a few days into the future. Eventually it got to no further than 3 months into the future.

At a certain point, in the earlier days of dating my current partner, I started allowing myself to think decades into the future. A friend of mine vouched for him, they'd known each other for years so I thought he was safe.

Within 2 weeks of moving in with me he completely changed. He went from wanting to spend every single second with me, (like wouldn't go home for a couple weeks, and got sad when I told him I needed space) to him not even greeting me when he got home anymore and then complaining about how often he saw me.

anyways, I guess I should go back to my old rule. I have a plan to get out, it's just gonna take 1-2 years to get everything in place. I just have to figure out how to survive the isolation and his psychological abuse until then

Yes. Some people are not good. I'm putting that lightly. I hope that you can find the strength to leave soon. You can pm me.

 

[Busridin'26]

This is a good idea... I often think wayyy too far ahead and get overwhelmed/triggered.

Like I have a dream of having a wife and adopted kids. Also, of going to school in the next like few yrs? But when struggling im likeee murrrrppp those things will never happen

Sometimes I find it a bit tedious to reduce my days to like that as I am big thinking and like to plan a lot butttt Im gonna try.

Maybe even try in the harder moments to tell myself well "I only have to survive this moment/this minute/hour/day etc" I shall try...


Also so sorry to hear your in a shitty/abusive relationship and I really hope you can get out soon

 

[guayabas]

This is a good idea... I often think wayyy too far ahead and get overwhelmed/triggered.

Like I have a dream of having a wife and adopted kids. Also, of going to school in the next like few yrs? But when struggling im likeee murrrrppp those things will never happen

Sometimes I find it a bit tedious to reduce my days to like that as I am big thinking and like to plan a lot butttt Im gonna try.

Maybe even try in the harder moments to tell myself well "I only have to survive this moment/this minute/hour/day etc" I shall try...


Also so sorry to hear your in a shitty/abusive relationship and I really hope you can get out soon

I hope it helps!

and thank you <3 It's not too bad atm. idk, even if it's just strangers on the internet, it helps me feel less bored and alone. When I feel alone I just give in and start spending time with him again. And he pretends he's gonna treat me better for a while, and then always stops and I feel awful again and like I wanna ctb.

(Sorry if this is repeat info I've been posting a lot lolsob) but I told all my friends and family that my bf was being psychologically abusive and I was more suicidal than I've ever been. I've talked about that stuff with my friends in the past, most of them can relate to some degree. And we've had 2 friends ctb in the last year. I thought they would be worried or try to reach out to me more. Like one of them calls me his best friend but then I haven't heard from him in months, he doesn't even interact with my fb posts even though he's clearly there interacting with other ppls. They're not even all sad posts or anything. I just don't get it.

anyways, that kinda drove me to go back to my shitty bf since he's the only person I know irl who's willing to interact with me on a regular basis. but aside from the loneliness, being away from him feels better and better. I don't expect my friends to spend like hours with me or anything, I know they got their own stuff going on, but like, if they all even just texted me a meme or something every once in a while, collectively that would add up to a lot and help my mood so much. but collectively, y'all interact with me and that adds up to enough to make being alone more bearable, so thx everyone :)

 

[redbathingduck]

This will get me a lot of hate. The only legitimate, sane reason to commit suicide is severe genetic inadequacies beyond your control. For example, being very ugly, very short, intellectually disabled, etc. You have a boyfriend, you seem to be an average person with at least the facade of a normal life. Your depression is not real. You are mentally ill. True depression is the response to realizing that you are genetically inferior. When you have inferior genetics and are ugly, short, etc, you are completely rejected by all aspects of society. You realize that your entire life has just been the process of you being eliminated from the gene pool. This is a very depressing reality, but it is the truth. This is my situation. I am completely alone. I am humiliated. I am completely destroyed. You are not. What's wrong with you? Why are you on this forum? You have friends. You have a boyfriend. If you don't like him, you can always find a new one. YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR SITUATION, BUT YOU DON'T. You don't need coping mechanisms. Every cope is fleeting. You have potential to be happy. There is nothing wrong with you on a biological level. This is insanity. You are mentally ill. You can heal your mind. Find God. Don't throw your life away while others rot in uncontrollable misery.

Who are you to decide what a 'legitimate' reason is for someone else to want to ctb or have suicidal thoughts? Genetic inadequacies beyond your control are far from the only possible reason. 'Average' people with friends and relationships can still feel miserable. And hey newsflash, depression IS a mental illness. It's not a rational thing and you don't know what you are talking about. Stop judging other people that you don't know anything about and acting like your problems are so much worse than other people's. It's not a competition in suffering here. I think you're the insane one here with your unreasonable comments and I don't think there should be any place for toxicity like this on this forum

 

[jamie_]

Crazy how scary it is that no matter what you think about your relationship your loved one can just switch up so quickly. I also had this; moved into together. Covid restrictions were finally all gone and life looked like it would be wonderful, and all of a sudden they've left me for someone they had first messaged 14 days prior lmao. And only another few weeks before whilst having a day trip in another city with her netball team she was messaging me heartfelt things about how much she was missing me and how she wish she could have been with me that night. It was only one day trip she was away from me, we'd been spending every second everywhere together for 11 out of the last 12 months, how could she not go without me for a second to wanting nothing to do with me in such little time? Fucked up. Going through that feels like disembowlment.

 

[Suiconnoisseur]

I apologize for the rudeness, but don't throw your life away. You must get get to the absolute root cause of your depression. It could be as simple as vitamin deficiency and brain inflammation. I'm not saying it is that easy, but many people here have a real shot of leaving depression and suicide behind. If you can save yourself, save yourself.

 

[guayabas]

I apologize for the rudeness, but don't throw your life away. You must get get to the absolute root cause of your depression. It could be as simple as vitamin deficiency and brain inflammation. I'm not saying it is that easy, but many people here have a real shot of leaving depression and suicide behind. If you can save yourself, save yourself.

vitamin deficiency? lol did you find that doing a 30 second google search for how to treat depression 101?

I've been diagnosed and treated for depression for 30 years, trust that my psychiatrists have checked my vitamin levels ffs. and we're literally here just talking with other ppl who go through similar things and are trying to recover. we're here to support each other and learn how to cope. but ppl showing up being presumptuous and unsupportive is only gonna undo that progress. you're clearly not a professional, please find a new hobby or educate yourself before doing shit that's gonna make suicidal ppl more suicidal

oh wow, i just saw the quote of your now deleted comment I guess. that's... a lot. just a lot of weird eugenicist stuff? and really invalidating stuff towards me. you're really all over the place buddy. I thought you were just some pro lifer from the later comment.

I've explained my situation further in other threads but it seems like you've just made a lot of assumptions about me based on very little information. I'm disabled and poor and am not depressed about not liking my bf, nor do I want a new one or any bf. I haven't gone into much details about what's been going on with my bf for my own reasons. But to be vague, let's just say I'm depressed bc my bf says and does a lot of things to make me feel shitty about myself, and I can't leave bc of said disabilities and poverty. I'm extremely vulnerable to covid and can't find a safe roommate that won't get me killed or further disabled with their lack of covid safety. I can't afford to live alone. I tried to reach out for help from my friends and family but they basically abandoned me. I started feeling like I can't safely leave my house to make new friends bc of covid, the friends I've had for years and supported in the past are basically not my friends anymore, and the only person willing to socialize with me is constantly playing mind games.

I'm literally just here to be supportive to other ppl going through similar feelings and get some socializing to help me survive while I figure a way out of my own shitty situation. And I expect others to be supportive in return or to just leave me alone.

Crazy how scary it is that no matter what you think about your relationship your loved one can just switch up so quickly. I also had this; moved into together. Covid restrictions were finally all gone and life looked like it would be wonderful, and all of a sudden they've left me for someone they had first messaged 14 days prior lmao. And only another few weeks before whilst having a day trip in another city with her netball team she was messaging me heartfelt things about how much she was missing me and how she wish she could have been with me that night. It was only one day trip she was away from me, we'd been spending every second everywhere together for 11 out of the last 12 months, how could she not go without me for a second to wanting nothing to do with me in such little time? Fucked up. Going through that feels like disembowlment.

it can be really hard and confusing when ppl make passionate statements they go completely against a short time later. I've never been able to make sense of it. The only way i've been able to cope is by removing said person from my life, crying it out, like really really crying it out, and then waiting until it eventually stops hurting. I know everyone's different though. I hope you're able to heal from this soon