I just can't ctb

[Kotochan]

I feel like I did everything right two years ago and I don't know how I lived. It's so hard to do the scary but accessible things like hanging, I just can't do those. At least fentanyl was easy because I could take it sublingually and only so little. Why does it have to be so hard.

I opened my SN a few months ago but reclosed it does anyone know if this would cause it to go bad?

I want more fentanyl but it's like it disappeared from the dark net after i got mine

 

[Itsallover123]

The SN should be fine

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

We're programmed to avoid death It's very hard. And yet we're all going to die. And we know this, but it's like we can never accept it even sometimes in the face of so much pointless suffering. At least, that's what it's like for me.

 

[Kotochan]

We're programmed to avoid death It's very hard. And yet we're all going to die. And we know this, but it's like we can never accept it even sometimes in the face of so much pointless suffering. At least, that's what it's like for me.

so true, T_T. Idk how many times I tried to hang myself, and even when I thought i had everything perfect its like somehow your body finds a way.. UGH. I took my SN out but honestly idk if i'd ever use it at home, i'd rather get a hotel but i'm broke rn XD. AHH LIFE.

My dream is to go to Colorado and like get breakfast and snacks and watch tv for a day or two and then overdose in my room

 

[healthrecovery]

I don't want to die alone i've been calling a woman twice my age in the hope she picks up the phone ... in hope i can talk about my sitation... i tried calling a few times but no answer.

I never would think i would get into this situation

 

[Kotochan]

I don't want to die alone i've been calling a woman twice my age in the hope she picks up the phone ... in hope i can talk about my sitation... i tried calling a few times but no answer.

I never would think i would get into this situation

I relate to that. I never thought I'd have this kind of life either. Sometimes it's jarring to imagine that this is what my life has turned into. Rooms of trash and no reason to live.

Who is it you are trying to call? There are people you can call if you need someone to talk to

 

[healthrecovery]

Some old woman i used to know and trust she's very spiritual..i don't know if i can handle this anymore and will ctb soon. I tried calling her because it will mean alot to me. I'm sitting here in my bedroom in the dark in complete silence. I hear some fireworks now and then and hear the television of the neightbour making some sound but i feel more alone than ever before. Talking to family is no option and i don't have any friends....

Right now im reflecting on the life i had..i was extremely happy and was where i want to be...i lost everything by stupid mistakes but had so many chances to correct it...i just cant believe it. I' got anti psychotic injections and thats why i feel crap..i dont feel anything but my sadness is breaking through and i cried a bit. This is a horrible state to ctb in..anhedonia ..lack of emotions..

I just cant believe this all happened to me

 

[fox_wannabe]

We're programmed to avoid death It's very hard. And yet we're all going to die. And we know this, but it's like we can never accept it even sometimes in the face of so much pointless suffering. At least, that's what it's like for me.

That is so true. I also cannot ctb, I tried many times but SI always kick in

 

[Kotochan]

does anyone know if you can plead guilty to a death row crime? I'd like to somehow do that if I could

 

[fox_wannabe]

does anyone know if you can plead guilty to a death row crime? I'd like to somehow do that if I could

Oh man I am sorry to hear you are so desperate, maybe just wait for now
What is happening to you?

 

[Kotochan]

Some old woman i used to know and trust she's very spiritual..i don't know if i can handle this anymore and will ctb soon. I tried calling her because it will mean alot to me. I'm sitting here in my bedroom in the dark in complete silence. I hear some fireworks now and then and hear the television of the neightbour making some sound but i feel more alone than ever before. Talking to family is no option and i don't have any friends....

Right now im reflecting on the life i had..i was extremely happy and was where i want to be...i lost everything by stupid mistakes but had so many chances to correct it...i just cant believe it. I' got anti psychotic injections and thats why i feel crap..i dont feel anything but my sadness is breaking through and i cried a bit. This is a horrible state to ctb in..anhedonia ..lack of emotions..

I just cant believe this all happened to me i cant believe it

where do you live? You may not have family you can talk to but i guarantee there are people who would pick up a phone if you called either a crisis line or some equivalent. I know that's not a fun idea, and most people despise it, but I was just wondering if you'd considered it

Oh man I am sorry to hear you are so desperate, maybe just wait for now
What is happening to you?

oh nothing in particular i'm just not cut out for life. actually things are probably better than ever. It's just there isnt a reason to live, even if things are okay for now. I would like to plead guilty because that sounds easy enough and you'd be locked in and they kill you easily so SI wouldn't be an issue. That's the real reason, SI. And maybe I could get someone off who deserves a second chance? Idk.
life is just a rat race on a treadmill, if you slip you die and we're all going to slip. I just want to go peacefully, I don't want to suffer from my neurological condition anymore or depression or being a failure. One day I'll be homeless and dying on the street, I see it everyday and that will happen to me eventually too

 

[healthrecovery]

Thought about it but it won't really prevent me from getting worse maybe its the only option i have left
Man why is it so hard to ctb..i wish it was easy

 

[Kotochan]

Thought about it but it won't really prevent me from getting worse maybe its the only option i have left

it might help you to feel better in the moment. Having someone to talk to, when I find myself in my darkest holes that's when i use those resources. Because I can't ctb even if i wanted to when i feel that bad.. just anguish needlessly. I'd think about it at least

 

[ddd1234]

Some old woman i used to know and trust she's very spiritual..i don't know if i can handle this anymore and will ctb soon. I tried calling her because it will mean alot to me. I'm sitting here in my bedroom in the dark in complete silence. I hear some fireworks now and then and hear the television of the neightbour making some sound but i feel more alone than ever before. Talking to family is no option and i don't have any friends....

Right now im reflecting on the life i had..i was extremely happy and was where i want to be...i lost everything by stupid mistakes but had so many chances to correct it...i just cant believe it. I' got anti psychotic injections and thats why i feel crap..i dont feel anything but my sadness is breaking through and i cried a bit. This is a horrible state to ctb in..anhedonia ..lack of emotions..

I just cant believe this all happened to me

I can relate. Just run to hotel because my family wanted to put me in a psych ward. I am sitting here and wondering why it happened to me.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course it is very difficult to ctb, it goes against our instinct to survive even know we want to die. I wish it was easier, if it was I would be already gone. I wish there was a way to just disappear. Living is very painful. I look forward to death as only then will I be free from suffering. I hope you find peace.

 

[TimeLawyer]

I tried compression of the carotid arteries (in five last acts manual) so many times, I even made a tourniquet specifically for that purpose. I have attempted to die using the method over 100 times now. I tried with a fabric strip, a cam belt and even one made out of multiple flax leaves tied over and over. They made it sound so easy, like if youre in a pinch just quickly tie a tourniquet and youll be dead in 10 minutes. Im doubting everything in those stupid manuals now. "Just go on the dark web and sneak a class a drug past extremely strict customs! You can do it! Just buy sn despite the fact you cant even buy it from a reputable supplier! Oh sure this dodgy russian website will give you the real thing just test it with your own blood!" I feel trapped here, truly trapped. We need RELIABLE information. I am tempted daily to throw myself under a fucking train. My mum says if you cant die just live. I want to die because living is too difficult with ethics in this society. I do not h

 

[Kotochan]

I tried compression of the carotid arteries (in five last acts manual) so many times, I even made a tourniquet specifically for that purpose. I have attempted to die using the method over 100 times now. I tried with a fabric strip, a cam belt and even one made out of multiple flax leaves tied over and over. They made it sound so easy, like if youre in a pinch just quickly tie a tourniquet and youll be dead in 10 minutes. Im doubting everything in those stupid manuals now. "Just go on the dark web and sneak a class a drug past extremely strict customs! You can do it! Just buy sn despite the fact you cant even buy it from a reputable supplier! Oh sure this dodgy russian website will give you the real thing just test it with your own blood!" I feel trapped here, truly trapped. We need RELIABLE information. I am tempted daily to throw myself under a fucking train. My mum says if you cant die just live. I want to die because living is too difficult with ethics in this society. I do not h

i relate a lot. It's why i gave up on hanging and tourniquets it was too difficult. The one time i used a tourniquet i actually passed out but it was a ramshackled piece i put together when i was in a hospital and it loosened and i woke up after a few minutes. The problem is that you have to work SO hard to make them work like I tightened that thing around my neck until i felt my face popping, i twisted it like my life depended on it LOL. With partial suspension i've tried similar things before but even pushing and pushing as hard as i could all i did was pop all the blood vessels in my face........

i find it neat that your account is kind of old like mine. Idk what old is on this site tbh but seems like everyones new and the old people are gone haha

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

i relate a lot. It's why i gave up on hanging and tourniquets it was too difficult. The one time i used a tourniquet i actually passed out but it was a ramshackled piece i put together when i was in a hospital and it loosened and i woke up after a few minutes. The problem is that you have to work SO hard to make them work like I tightened that thing around my neck until i felt my face popping, i twisted it like my life depended on it LOL. With partial suspension i've tried similar things before but even pushing and pushing as hard as i could all i did was pop all the blood vessels in my face........

i find it neat that your account is kind of old like mine. Idk what old is on this site tbh but seems like everyones new and the old people are gone haha

Yeah, it's very difficult for most people to pull off that method and it's easy to fail it. That's why I could personally never try that unless I was feeling really desperate and didn't have enough time. If I failed CBT, it would be extraordinarily traumatic for me.

 

[TimeLawyer]

i relate a lot. It's why i gave up on hanging and tourniquets it was too difficult. The one time i used a tourniquet i actually passed out but it was a ramshackled piece i put together when i was in a hospital and it loosened and i woke up after a few minutes. The problem is that you have to work SO hard to make them work like I tightened that thing around my neck until i felt my face popping, i twisted it like my life depended on it LOL. With partial suspension i've tried similar things before but even pushing and pushing as hard as i could all i did was pop all the blood vessels in my face........

i find it neat that your account is kind of old like mine. Idk what old is on this site tbh but seems like everyones new and the old people are gone haha

Ive been around a while on here, plus a few years just lurking. There used to be a slightly higher diversity of thought/opinion I think, but theres still the odd interesting post. Sometimes this site helps, sometimes I wish id never found it for all the pressure I feel from people saying "just do this, just do that you silly girl" even in the early days I remember being happy and understood, and I also remember crying for days and mental agony cause I know I will never measure up or be capable of caring about others the way people here do. Im too tired from fighting to force myself into Western morality to fight to exhaust my every option and "earn" the right to die. I just needed reliable, peaceful methods to die tgat I could achieve without breaking the law or risking failure. My mother says she wishes I never found the forum because of how many days I spent incapacitatee and crying cause of invalidation and "why cant I just be brave enough or motivated enough or clever enough" "why cant I just find sn" no site will ship to new zealand and when I rang the one supplier here who sold to the public, he told me off and said no, he does not sell to the public despite his website saying the exact opposite. I guess I will have to live whether I or others like it or not. If I am not even empathetic enough to ethically allow myself to get a job, then I guess im just motivation for them to campaign for euthanasia for all who should need it. I would take the exit door if it was not bolted shut.

 

[Kotochan]

Ive been around a while on here, plus a few years just lurking. There used to be a slightly higher diversity of thought/opinion I think, but theres still the odd interesting post. Sometimes this site helps, sometimes I wish id never found it for all the pressure I feel from people saying "just do this, just do that you silly girl" even in the early days I remember being happy and understood, and I also remember crying for days and mental agony cause I know I will never measure up or be capable of caring about others the way people here do. Im too tired from fighting to force myself into Western morality to fight to exhaust my every option and "earn" the right to die. I just needed reliable, peaceful methods to die tgat I could achieve without breaking the law or risking failure. My mother says she wishes I never found the forum because of how many days I spent incapacitatee and crying cause of invalidation and "why cant I just be brave enough or motivated enough or clever enough" "why cant I just find sn" no site will ship to new zealand and when I rang the one supplier here who sold to the public, he told me off and said no, he does not sell to the public despite his website saying the exact opposite. I guess I will have to live whether I or others like it or not. If I am not even empathetic enough to ethically allow myself to get a job, then I guess im just motivation for them to campaign for euthanasia for all who should need it. I would take the exit door if it was not bolted shut.

it really is difficult. You can even do everything right and somehow survive, it happens all the time. It's not about good enough. I'm sorry that you can't find the peace you deserve. Just know that you deserve peace one way or another. Sadly the world likes to make us feel bad for failing but that's the worlds problems imposed on us, all we can do is work with what we have. I wish I had more to say it sounds like you've been through a lot.

What do you mean by "not empathetic enough to ethically allow myself to get a job"?

 

[Illcryaboutitlater]

does anyone know if you can plead guilty to a death row crime? I'd like to somehow do that if I could

Im glad this is a common thought haha ( not to laugh at you ) i have definitely thought this a few times

 

[Buffy5120]

your not alone

 

[blueclover_.]

Ive been around a while on here, plus a few years just lurking. There used to be a slightly higher diversity of thought/opinion I think, but theres still the odd interesting post. Sometimes this site helps, sometimes I wish id never found it for all the pressure I feel from people saying "just do this, just do that you silly girl" even in the early days I remember being happy and understood, and I also remember crying for days and mental agony cause I know I will never measure up or be capable of caring about others the way people here do. Im too tired from fighting to force myself into Western morality to fight to exhaust my every option and "earn" the right to die. I just needed reliable, peaceful methods to die tgat I could achieve without breaking the law or risking failure. My mother says she wishes I never found the forum because of how many days I spent incapacitatee and crying cause of invalidation and "why cant I just be brave enough or motivated enough or clever enough" "why cant I just find sn" no site will ship to new zealand and when I rang the one supplier here who sold to the public, he told me off and said no, he does not sell to the public despite his website saying the exact opposite. I guess I will have to live whether I or others like it or not. If I am not even empathetic enough to ethically allow myself to get a job, then I guess im just motivation for them to campaign for euthanasia for all who should need it. I would take the exit door if it was not bolted shut.

Sodium Nitrite NZ Suppliers

www.nzchemicalsuppliers.co.nz

Does the link work? Have you tried contacting the sellers there? I'm sure you can find some companies that ship to NZ. Have you tried researching about your local chemistry companies who could probably sell SN? I heard that some fish shops sell SN too, since it's also used to create a suitable habitat for some types of fish. You should try looking at online fish shops as you already have a fake reason to buy the substance. If these are too much work, i think you should try easier methods like hanging, jumping, etc. I hope you think about this thoroughly, and whatever decision you'll make, we will always support you. I hope you'll find the peace you've always been looking for!

 

[Insomniac]

It's so hard to do the s

I can confirm that hanging requires a very specific kind of mindset

 

[Kotochan]

Im glad this is a common thought haha ( not to laugh at you ) i have definitely thought this a few times

lol i just have no idea how i'd go about doing it T_T. You'd have to find someone who has pleaded innocent and then like somehow plant involvement evidence so they can pin it on you... so much stuff to do ugh

 

[TimeLawyer]

I did some research and people who have an aquarium are usually trying to get rid of nitrite as is poisonous to fish. Nitrites are converted from ammonia in fish waste by good bacteria which then convert to nitrates which arent dangerous to fish source: https://modestfish.com/how-to-cycle-your-aquarium/ it is all done naturally via a cycle of waste being converted. As for chemical suppliers, these are bulk commercial suppliers that sell only to businesses. They do not sell to the public. I have no desire to set up a company just for getting SN.

Sodium Nitrite NZ Suppliers

www.nzchemicalsuppliers.co.nz

Does the link work? Have you tried contacting the sellers there? I'm sure you can find some companies that ship to NZ. Have you tried researching about your local chemistry companies who could probably sell SN? I heard that some fish shops sell SN too, since it's also used to create a suitable habitat for some types of fish. You should try looking at online fish shops as you already have a fake reason to buy the substance. If these are too much work, i think you should try easier methods like hanging, jumping, etc. I hope you think about this thoroughly, and whatever decision you'll make, we will always support you. I hope you'll find the peace you've always been looking for!

 

[TimeLawyer]

I

it really is difficult. You can even do everything right and somehow survive, it happens all the time. It's not about good enough. I'm sorry that you can't find the peace you deserve. Just know that you deserve peace one way or another. Sadly the world likes to make us feel bad for failing but that's the worlds problems imposed on us, all we can do is work with what we have. I wish I had more to say it sounds like you've been through a lot.

What do you mean by "not empathetic enough to ethically allow myself to get a job"?

Id rather not go into the specifics, last time I posted about it here people told me i shouldnt be in society at all. I feel CONDEMNED. I cant even die to save people from me.

 

[Kotochan]

I

Id rather not go into the specifics, last time I posted about it here people told me i shouldnt be in society at all. I feel CONDEMNED. I cant even die to save people from me.

That's a really heavy burden to carry - I know I carry a few things around with me that I've never gone into specifics over as well. I can't imagine what you're carrying. I'm not here to judge but I respect your decision to not go into specifics. Everyone deserves to feel comfortable, even people who have done horrible things. I hope you're able to find solace one way or another, I know giving back helped me a lot to start to move on.