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orangepotato

orangepotato

Student
Mar 26, 2020
147
One wants to live and one wants to give up and die, and I don't know which one to listen to. Literally half the time I want to die, and the other half I want to live. It's dividing me in half and driving me insane. I want to kill myself just to escape this constant back-and-forth, one second I feel OK the next second I'm absolutely convinced I'm going to kill myself. I just want it to stop. This is torture!
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
48,636
That sounds very tiring. Our own thoughts can torture us and I can understand your feelings of wanting to escape from it. Hopefully you can find relief from your suffering in some way.
 
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orangepotato

orangepotato

Student
Mar 26, 2020
147
I feel like purposely sabotaging myself so that I feel like I have to do it. Has anyone done this? Something like burning my house down so now I have to die or I'll be homeless.
 
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BeautifulMosaics

BeautifulMosaics

Specialist
Aug 15, 2021
310
I feel like purposely sabotaging myself so that I feel like I have to do it. Has anyone done this? Something like burning my house down so now I have to die or I'll be homeless.
That's understandable. Because you feel split, each side equally valid and powerful, you can't truly make a decision without betraying yourself. Naturally you want to force yourself into a situation where you don't have to deal with the torture anymore without feeling like you're denying one side of yourself. If ctb is the best decision in the sabotaged scenario - how can your hopeful side feel denied?

I have sabotaged myself my whole life - education, jobs, music opportunities. I thought it was dissociation, apathy and feeling like I always had the future, maybe your reason is why. Who knows..
 
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Crazy4u

Crazy4u

Enlightened
Sep 29, 2021
1,318
The inability to make a decision whether to live or die is hard. I don't have any suggestion other than distract yourself until you know for sure.
 
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eryu

eryu

Member
Sep 25, 2021
92
I feel like purposely sabotaging myself so that I feel like I have to do it.
In theory, it is a good idea but I wonder how often this actually works for people.
I think it would be just as likely that a lot of people find themselves in a worse state of suffering and no closer to being able to finish it. Maybe farther away since they feel even weaker and more frightened.
 
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TriggerHappy

TriggerHappy

In the kingdom of th blind; the one-eyed are kings
Jan 24, 2021
1,297
no one can torture us as much as we torture ourselves....
no one can hate, hurt or criticize us as much as we do to ourselves :: there's freedom in that, apparently...
 
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D

down for the count

Mage
Jun 3, 2021
585
I echo the concern that you will find yourself in a worse position should you desire to sabotage yourself. You want to keep your options open. There are better ways to deal with SI I am sure.
 
Feeding Pigeons

Feeding Pigeons

Warlock
Aug 5, 2021
776
I feel like purposely sabotaging myself so that I feel like I have to do it. Has anyone done this? Something like burning my house down so now I have to die or I'll be homeless.
Please don't do this. I know its torturous. Don't do this. Even if you choose to ctb, you want the option to do it in your own home.
 
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