I currently have to learn for college. I was violently abused as a child for more than a decade from my mom. Always when I had to learn for school she beat me up sometimes for nothing very arbitrarily, sometimes to focus more on learning. This happened on a daily basis. I cried unbelievably much and it destroyed my soul. I already had 2 psychosis both stress induced. I am bipolar and when I am manic I learn like the insane person that I am. I have learned extremely much in the past. One time in summer holidays I learned through the whole night.
Currently I have the desire to repeat a similar pattern of behavior. It is a weird feeling. I am currently not manic by the way but that could soon happen again. I think my emergency medication prevents it for now.
There is a weird feeling that drives me to it. It is a feeling of self-hatred, the desire to punsish myself for being such a loser, a part of me likes this torture and it helps shortterm helps to deal with my anxiety and insecurities. But long-term this behavior makes me very ill and increases my anxiety. A part of me feels like I deserve this torture and then I barely can stop myself.
Yeah my brain is really fucked.
Currently I have the desire to repeat a similar pattern of behavior. It is a weird feeling. I am currently not manic by the way but that could soon happen again. I think my emergency medication prevents it for now.
There is a weird feeling that drives me to it. It is a feeling of self-hatred, the desire to punsish myself for being such a loser, a part of me likes this torture and it helps shortterm helps to deal with my anxiety and insecurities. But long-term this behavior makes me very ill and increases my anxiety. A part of me feels like I deserve this torture and then I barely can stop myself.
Yeah my brain is really fucked.
