i have dreams where i CTBed and thought the dream was my afterlife

[snowman626]

i sometimes have dreams where i CTB and then i believed that that dream is my afterlife. there was a big feeling of regret because of my mom and leaving her here and that id finally done it after so many years. my thoughts in the dream were like "you had so much potential, you could have done this... done that... you could have done anything" and this enormous sense of doom and gloom came over me because thinking of how my mom have to deal with the news of me CTBing and that theres no going back and i had to leave her knowing how bad she would feel.

then i woke up and felt so glad it was just a dream and im still here and my mom still had her son.

then like a day later im back feeling like shit again and want to CTB again.

i wish my mood was more stable

 

[justanotherstar]

Sorry life is so painful right now snowman. It's hard when our moods and intentions can be so changeable. Sounds like at least some part of you wants to hold on for the moment, there is no shame in that, nor is their shame in wanting to CTB. I can very much relate to what your saying. I'm sorry I don't have much useful tk say but sending hugs

 

[profoundexperience]

I had a dream once that I was taking a ~"suicide class" (where they teach you how to ctb... methods, but also psychologically).

Anyway, we got to part of the class where ~all the other students started to ctb. And, suddenly a voice told me... "If you do it now... that'll be great because you'll die in your sleep and it'll look like natural causes." There was suddenly what felt like a lot of pressure because that proposal was such a surprise... I couldn't take the shock of it and awoke feeling that it was real.

Few dreams in my life have felt so completely real...

 

[fred farkle]

Sounds like you dont really want to ctb!