Venting I hate the guilt.

[meghead]

I really can't deal with this all. I just want to leave. The last I've posted on here was almost a year ago, and I thought I could get better, but I feel so trapped in this state of wanting to ctb. What's been holding me back is guilt. I'm scared for whoever will walk in on my corpse. I've read blogs and blogs about people losing their loved ones to suicide and I'm scared of ruining someone like that. Yet, I also feel like it's selfish to think that I could be capable or important enough to ruin someone. I'm just so confused on what I should do. I just want an escape from it all.

 

[motel rooms]

Can't make an omelette without breaking eggs...

 

[miserableforever]

I really can't deal with this all. I just want to leave. The last I've posted on here was almost a year ago, and I thought I could get better, but I feel so trapped in this state of wanting to ctb. What's been holding me back is guilt. I'm scared for whoever will walk in on my corpse. I've read blogs and blogs about people losing their loved ones to suicide and I'm scared of ruining someone like that. Yet, I also feel like it's selfish to think that I could be capable or important enough to ruin someone. I'm just so confused on what I should do. I just want an escape from it all.

You're the one suffering in pain, you deserve to put a stop to it at some point.

 

[ngmi]

This is why a lot of people choose to ctb in hotels -- it spares their family from walking in on their corpse, and instead leaves that job witha hotel employee who isn't going to care anywhere near as much.

If you're worried about traumatizing someone just from the sight of a dead stranger, maybe you should rethink that. For nearly all of human history, and even pre-history, all the way back to the dawn of life, death was common and well-known part of existence. Just as many people die today as back then, but few people witness death because everyone dying gets whisked away into hospitals (and incidentally, dying in a hospital is much more miserable than practically anything you could do to end yourself).

The idea of finding a dead body seems traumatizing to you because you live in a culture that is alienated from death. If you really are planning to die soon, I think you should stop and reacquaint yourself with the idea of death first. I recommend starting here: https://eggreport.substack.com/p/introduction-to-the-death-of-death

 

[meghead]

This is why a lot of people choose to ctb in hotels -- it spares their family from walking in on their corpse, and instead leaves that job witha hotel employee who isn't going to care anywhere near as much.

If you're worried about traumatizing someone just from the sight of a dead stranger, maybe you should rethink that. For nearly all of human history, and even pre-history, all the way back to the dawn of life, death was common and well-known part of existence. Just as many people die today as back then, but few people witness death because everyone dying gets whisked away into hospitals (and incidentally, dying in a hospital is much more miserable than practically anything you could do to end yourself).

The idea of finding a dead body seems traumatizing to you because you live in a culture that is alienated from death. If you really are planning to die soon, I think you should stop and reacquaint yourself with the idea of death first. I recommend starting here: https://eggreport.substack.com/p/introduction-to-the-death-of-death

This was very helpful. Thank you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not feel guilty for ctb, as after all we never asked to exist. There is nothing selfish about suicide, we all have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing. The problem is that the society denies euthanasia, if that was legal then people would not have to be traumatised by finding a dead body. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.