Venting i hate the feeling of not getting better

[deeprootdisease]

i hate the feeling of not getting better.

i have a great psychiatrist, the first one to understand me and my struggles and actually have some positive impact on my mental health. in february, i bought SN and a rope to finally ctb, but my friends gently guided me into telling my psychiatrist about my plans and that ended up not happening.

but, since then, I haven't gotten any better. actually, kind of a lie, i do have some positive moments (that are basically when I'm left alone with no irl contact and not thinking about my responsibilities) but are usually outshined by my dark thoughts about just wanting to end it all and/or hurt myself.

i hate this, i can't take it anymore. even if i try I can't get better, so it only makes me want to bury myself in my despair and get even worse. i want to get worse i don't need to tell my psychiatrist again about how I'm STILL not doing okay.

tell me i'm not alone in this.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You're definitely not alone in this. Not that I'm making efforts to recover now via therapy etc. but- I feel the same. The only way I think I would be ok is to not have responsibilities to worry about. But then- life is full of them. I'm not sure there's a way around that for me. It's so frustrating/ downheartening when you are trying and seemingly not making much progress though. I'm sorry.