Venting I hate SI

[scarlet-pixie]

Idk. I've been hurting and hurting and hurting for years now, but even with everything thats happening its like. I'm not suffering, not that much, not every single waking moment of my life is utter pain. I just feel hollow and empty, like I just don't have any real motivation to live and exist at all yet at the same time nothings really drawing me to die either.

I made my first and so far only attempt years ago, I tried overdosing on my anti-depressants, freaked out about it, we called the poison hotline and it turned out I hadn't even swallowed a lethal dose. I didnt even have to go to the hospital or anything.
I bought a knife for myself last Sunday because I wanted to cut, not just bite myself or hit me with random kitchen implements, I want to feel the skin tear open and the blood spill. I haven't used it yet, its still in the packaging I bought it in. Hell, even now that i've actually set a date for myself, I choose to put it at the very end of the year....

I hate myself. I feel utterly pathetic. It's like, no matter what horrors I seem to experience none of it ever crosses the line into abject trauma and I just end up in this limbo state where I suffer, yet no one around me considers it enough to be worth helping me and therefore will never fucking do shit about it. I wish something greater would just come along already and turn my life into an absolute nightmare, that way my brain can finally just end it already.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

SI is terrible,genuine fear is even worse. Like i finally have a method i feel comfortable with but i've been putting it off and putting it off and now i'm starting to question wether fear is a small factor in that my method is extremely emotionally painful which is why i feel the need for my emotions to explode to achieve it but honestly it scares the shit out of me but its the best way i can honestly do

It seems based on your description your living in a state of limbo,no reason to live yet you can't find one but as you also said no drive to die either i dont want to encourage you not to self harm (would be hypocritical to start) but I wouldn't like to see you do that to yourself but again its your body and choice and sometimes its hard to get those feels of self hate pain anf suffering out any other way

And in a way i feel simliar to you in that sense of wanting something or someone to push you over the edge so you take the final step i relate heavily and i hope you can find that truly i do