Venting I hate myself more than anyone else

[absolute failure]

I am so fucked in the head and i hate being myself. I am a disgusting loser who deserves nothing but death… the only problem right now is i need to wait with my ctb date because of people i really love. Why am I like this? I wish there was a button that would just make me disappear. I am just an ugly bum who does nothing and lives off of others, i have achieved nothing and i will never amount to anything in my loser life. Maybe someone relates to what i say, maybe not. I regret even breathing at this point, a waste of air is all I am

 

[9mmisglutenfree]

I am so fucked in the head and i hate being myself. I am a disgusting loser who deserves nothing but death… the only problem right now is i need to wait with my ctb date because of people i really love. Why am I like this? I wish there was a button that would just make me disappear. I am just an ugly bum who does nothing and lives off of others, i have achieved nothing and i will never amount to anything in my loser life. Maybe someone relates to what i say, maybe not. I regret even breathing at this point, a waste of air is all I am

Preach! Not a single redeeming quality about myself either. but witha kid there's no "waiting for loved ones to die". And the longer I wait the older (child) gets and more upsetting it will be as they learn the reality of my end and the meaning of death.

I don't even look in the mirror anymore, like at all. I covered all of them up in the house

 

[absolute failure]

Preach! Not a single redeeming quality about myself either. but witha kid there's no "waiting for loved ones to die". And the longer I wait the older (child) gets and more upsetting it will be as they learn the reality of my end and the meaning of death.

I don't even look in the mirror anymore, like at all. I covered all of them up in the house

If you are a parent then you definitely have a responsibility for your child. I am not nearly good looking enough to attract a partner so i guess its a blessing and a curse. If i had children then this would have been even more messed up, i feel sorry for you too.

 

[9mmisglutenfree]

If you are a parent then you definitely have a responsibility for your child. I am not nearly good looking enough to attract a partner so i guess its a blessing and a curse. If i had children then this would have been even more messed up, i feel sorry for you too.

That's what is so fucked, is my problems are all in my head. sure my ex can be nasty but I do not have as nightmarish ofa coparent as some do. and the little kid needs me, but maybe doesn't. maybe it's a lie that i tell myself. (child) will have a "stable home with two parents" as i was told today by my ex as sh revealed shes likely going to go for more custody. so she recognizes my home i work hard for as unstable because it's jsut me.

honestly, fuck relationships. You can get so fucked over just because of your stupid brain programming to reproduce.

OP, have you done any higher education or tried any real careers?

 

[absolute failure]

That's what is so fucked, is my problems are all in my head. sure my ex can be nasty but I do not have as nightmarish ofa coparent as some do. and the little kid needs me, but maybe doesn't. maybe it's a lie that i tell myself. (child) will have a "stable home with two parents" as i was told today by my ex as sh revealed shes likely going to go for more custody. so she recognizes my home i work hard for as unstable because it's jsut me.

honestly, fuck relationships. You can get so fucked over just because of your stupid brain programming to reproduce.

OP, have you done any higher education or tried any real careers?

I am only 23 years old and i tried studying 4 different things. I always stopped them because i either felt like it didnt fit me or because i became too depressed. I cant get a real career because i am lazy and i hate working. I am the scum of the earth. The only reason why i havent done it yet is because of me promising my friends to not do it yet. I wish i was loveable to some extent but i cannot see anyone ever loving a piece of human trash like me. Do you think your ex would be able to raise the kid without you?

 

[9mmisglutenfree]

I am only 23 years old and i tried studying 4 different things. I always stopped them because i either felt like it didnt fit me or because i became too depressed. I cant get a real career because i am lazy and i hate working. I am the scum of the earth. The only reason why i havent done it yet is because of me promising my friends to not do it yet. I wish i was loveable to some extent but i cannot see anyone ever loving a piece of human trash like me. Do you think your ex would be able to raise the kid without you?

pretty relatable. I work construction but only because it's just kind of where i ended up. started a driving job and moved from inside the company to an apprenticeship. I hate it, and I'm lazy too. but I go because I have bills to pay. It used to be fulfilling to see something come to life as its built but that magic has long worn away. I understand not feeling like anything fits for sure. Maybe it would give a purpose to do a search (or an ai chat cause you can bounce ideas off of it and ask about industries and possible ways to get in just as a place to start) for an industry that at least sounds not too difficult.

that's if you're interested in trying to find something to "amount to" (the words you used and i dont have a better way to put it). I still feel like a loser even though I'm at a respected level of licensure and education so it's not a guarantee "thanks I'm fixed" type of solution.

as far as the kid, honestly, yeah. she's a good mom. just was manipulative and mean to me. but shes good with the kid. I think she went back to electrical school that she hated and quit when we were engaged. she's beautiful so she wouldn't have to worry about finding another partner should the relationship shes in now go down. Very supportive family, tight knit. I have no doubt my ex would be 100% fine.

 

[absolute failure]

pretty relatable. I work construction but only because it's just kind of where i ended up. started a driving job and moved from inside the company to an apprenticeship. I hate it, and I'm lazy too. but I go because I have bills to pay. It used to be fulfilling to see something come to life as its built but that magic has long worn away. I understand not feeling like anything fits for sure. Maybe it would give a purpose to do a search (or an ai chat cause you can bounce ideas off of it and ask about industries and possible ways to get in just as a place to start) for an industry that at least sounds not too difficult.

that's if you're interested in trying to find something to "amount to" (the words you used and i dont have a better way to put it). I still feel like a loser even though I'm at a respected level of licensure and education so it's not a guarantee "thanks I'm fixed" type of solution.

as far as the kid, honestly, yeah. she's a good mom. just was manipulative and mean to me. but shes good with the kid. I think she went back to electrical school that she hated and quit when we were engaged. she's beautiful so she wouldn't have to worry about finding another partner should the relationship shes in now go down. Very supportive family, tight knit. I have no doubt my ex would be 100% fine.

Thats good to hear! I hope that you can somehow get out of this mess, you dont seem like a bad person at all.

 

[9mmisglutenfree]

Thats good to hear! I hope that you can somehow get out of this mess, you dont seem like a bad person at all.

sometimes i think that, but i was a shitbag in high school, and if karma is real then I am 100% paying right now for what i did back then, and will continue to do so until i die no matter how or when. which is also keeping me from doing it, who am I do deny the universe its payback

even if you don't have hope for yourself op, the people here do. they have hope for me and for all the unfortunate ones who have found their way here. i wish for you to find that for yourself. hugs.

 

[absolute failure]

I have no hope left in me sadly, i am just terrible.

sometimes i think that, but i was a shitbag in high school, and if karma is real then I am 100% paying right now for what i did back then, and will continue to do so until i die no matter how or when. which is also keeping me from doing it, who am I do deny the universe its payback

even if you don't have hope for yourself op, the people here do. they have hope for me and for all the unfortunate ones who have found their way here. i wish for you to find that for yourself. hugs.

Thank you for your kind words, and i think people can grow out of their mistakes if they try hard enough. Even if you were a jerk in the past, you can always be a better person today :)

 

[9mmisglutenfree]

i get it. self loathing is a big fucking dragon to battle. even if you decide to go bus riding soon, I hope you can hang in there until then. And that you find peace however it may come to you.