I hate my disorder and myself

[Misantrope]

I feel really lonely, I dont have anyone to talk to..

I suffer from bpd.. It robbed me of anything good that could have happened in my life.. I couldnt concentrate to study, I wasted my youth being depressed, wasted opportunities and so on..


Soon Ill turn 30, Im in the blink of losing my job, since I cant perform, Im inadequate, cant learn and develop and about to lose my husband.. He's tired of my emotions, me crying and saying that I dont want to live... I hate the day I was born, I hate that I was cursed this way.. Why me? Seriously why me??? How did I deserve this thing??? I want to unalive myself, it would be easier for everyone else and especially me! It would be easier for me! I want to go home, I want peace... But Im too scared of physical pain and I have to do research about ways to get SN in my country.. but I dont have much time.. Why did I deserve this? The worst of this is that I wanted to live, I wanted to be successful, to have family..

Oh by the way treatment is not available in the shithole I live in and normal therapy is quite expensive, even if I tried it wasnt leading me anywhere...

 

[FuneralCry]

Living can be very painful. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. We are brought into this world just to suffer and many of us are disadvantaged through no fault of our own, it is very unfair. Of course you do not deserve any of this. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[OrcWitch]

That sounds rough. It isn't easy when the options of recovery aren't available due to where you're born. And that's a difficult disorder to live with already, I can see why you're so stressed out. Life is pretty unfair, you didn't deserve any of the hardships you face.

 

[Misantrope]

Living can be very painful. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. We are brought into this world just to suffer and many of us are disadvantaged through no fault of our own, it is very unfair. Of course you do not deserve any of this. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

I also have nihilistic mindset... and I feel like im destroying my life myself.. like a train wreck but I cant stop it...

That sounds rough. It isn't easy when the options of recovery aren't available due to where you're born. And that's a difficult disorder to live with already, I can see why you're so stressed out. Life is pretty unfair, you didn't deserve any of the hardships you face.

Thank you for your kind words.. Im drained honestly..

 

[LoneMisery]

Ive wasted my whole life being depressed too. I wish to unlive my life as well. As much as it can be overwhelming for your husband to hear and listen to you. He should also show support. I wish my ex gf wouldve understood it more but she was like everyone else. Just kept telling me to get help and talk to someone but i only wanted to talk to her. Even tho it hurt her very much it started to annoy and not hurt her cuz she didnt love and care as much as i thought she did.
Thats unfortunate he wont try to be there for you. Im really sorry. You seem to have a good heart and you at least found a spouse. I totally understand how you feel. Youre not alone