Venting I hate being gaslighted by my condition that life is worth living

[Uisonnasgeneta]

Two times a week, maybe more, I remember that life is incredibly painful. That I'm suffering way too frequently for it to be worth it. That I'm probably already dead and that ctb would just align who I am with what I experience.

But then, it gets 'better'. I decieve myself in thinking that I have a future. That I'll marry my gf and that everything will be fine. It feels exhilarating.

Repeat ad nauseam.

Psychiatrist don't care to help me since most time I'm 'ok'. And if they want to help me they give me medications that make me gain weight, knowing full well I have an ED.

Next time I'll get on this rollercoaster I'll ctb effectively. I have everything I need, I think. Just need to finish the letter to some people.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer like this. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be, what you are going through. It sounds really tiring. I wish you the best.

 

[Wilting Daisy]

I didn't like the medication cocktails that make you gain weight either. Have you tried topiramate (Topamax)?
Traditionally it is used as an anticonvulsant, however it is also used to treat severe suicidal ideations. Believe it or not, it actually makes you lose weight.
It cuts off your hunger signals significantly. But there is one major drawback:
It lowers your IQ a little, however only temporarily (once you stop taking, your IQ goes back up... along with your hunger).
Other side effects range, but I experienced tingling in my extremities as though they have fallen asleep. During the first couple weeks your head feels foggy, but that went away for me.

 

[Uisonnasgeneta]

I'm sorry that you suffer like this. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be, what you are going through. It sounds really tiring. I wish you the best.

Thank you for your kind words

I didn't like the medication cocktails that make you gain weight either. Have you tried topiramate (Topamax)?
Traditionally it is used as an anticonvulsant, however it is also used to treat severe suicidal ideations. Believe it or not, it actually makes you lose weight.
It cuts off your hunger signals significantly. But there is one major drawback:
It lowers your IQ a little, however only temporarily (once you stop taking, your IQ goes back up... along with your hunger).
Other side effects range, but I experienced tingling in my extremities as though they have fallen asleep. During the first couple weeks your head feels foggy, but that went away for me.

Thank you very much. It's exactly what I need. I'm speechless.
I have no idea how to get it however. I don't want to be that kind of patient who claims to know better than their doctor.

 

[Wilting Daisy]

I have no idea how to get it however. I don't want to be that kind of patient who claims to know better than their doctor.

Not at all ❤
In my experience doctors appreciate (to an extent) when a patient actively participates in their wellness program.
It's even better that you have tried other medications, because topiramate wasn't offered to me until I tried several other things first.
Some doctors don't like it because of the slight drop in IQ, and will suggest lithium as an alternative (you can take both at the same time, it's safe.)
When it comes to choosing topiramate over lithium, your rebuttal (if needed) is: "I struggle drinking enough water and keeping up my fluids." or alternatively, if you live somewhere where it's hot more days out of the year than not. Or if you exercise a lot.
The reason for all of this is because you have to drink A LOT of fluids with lithium and it's not best if you sweat often while taking it.
It's a pain in the butt keeping up with all that. Plus my doctor said "And who doesn't want to lose a few pounds?"
I want to note that whether you're taking 25mg or boost up to 100mg eventually, the lack of hunger stays pretty consistent (aka, higher dosage doesn't equal more weight lost)

 

[veylore]

Two times a week, maybe more, I remember that life is incredibly painful. That I'm suffering way too frequently for it to be worth it. That I'm probably already dead and that ctb would just align who I am with what I experience.

But then, it gets 'better'. I decieve myself in thinking that I have a future. That I'll marry my gf and that everything will be fine. It feels exhilarating.

Repeat ad nauseam.

Psychiatrist don't care to help me since most time I'm 'ok'. And if they want to help me they give me medications that make me gain weight, knowing full well I have an ED.

Next time I'll get on this rollercoaster I'll ctb effectively. I have everything I need, I think. Just need to finish the letter to some people.

Thank you for this post, I got put on citalopram and this made me look more into it, turns out that shit makes you gain weight