Venting I had to lie......i couldnt win

[Life_and_Death]

Im suppose to be sleeping but im not. Instead im rolling a joint with the intent of smoking it, drinking some kahlua straight then cutting. And i just had to go and message my friend. I just had to go and make him worry. And then i couldnt shut up. Im so down right now that i couldnt say anything outside of the topic of my mental health and i couldnt just stop talking because "what is she doing". I had to lie. I had to say i was going to bed. Im not. Im continuing with the plan but you dont need to know that and i didnt know how else to make it stop. Ive lied and hurt you so much in the past that it kills me inside to even tell the smallest lie but i didnt have a choice this time. Im sorry.
edit: question. Am i the only one that feels weird about cutting when people know im going to cut???? I think i regret telling you now.
My concious is eating me. I feel like hes going to get curious. I feel like hes going to check here knowing id do exactly what i did (make this thread). That hes going to see my name along with "i lied". Im just waiting for the message. "***** please dont!". I know he wouldnt check though. He respects me. Im waiting for nothing....i feel like if he reads this hes only going to hurt more then if i had of told him the truth from the start.
He needs a less defective friend....

Edit: ive been looking at my scars lately....i hate them but im not sure what making more will solve....