I had everything planned

[Dagon]

I planned to ctb on my 21st birthday. I thought it would be a good idea to have them be the same day so that my friends and family wouldn't have two anniversaries to worry about. I planned out everything; I had a single dorm room in college, I made a list of everything I needed to do before I ctb, and I have almost everything I need for my exit plan (just waiting for my meto to show up in the mail).

My 21st birthday is in a few months. Despite planning this for months and finally being the closest I've ever been to a foolproof method, I...foiled my own plans. Recently, I decided to abandon my single and move into a double with my best friend. On top of that, I made summer plans with some friends for next year. Even though I'm so, so tired of being alive and want to follow through with my original date, I can't bring myself to 1. traumatize my best friend and 2. disappoint the friends who I made plans with.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself because I'm not ready. But then I have mornings where I wake up sad that I have to endure another day and nights where I fall asleep regretting what I had done because I just want to wipe my hands clean and be done with everything.

My new date is my 22nd birthday, but that won't be until 2022 and that seems so far away. I'm exhausted and burnt out. I don't know what do and I feel so trapped between a rock and a hard place.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

it's understandable and reasonable to not want to traumatize your best friend and disappoint your other friends, but at one point or another you'll have to put you and your feelings first.

also, it's natural to be hesitant about death. humans want to live as long as possible; we're programmed that way. like you said, that may play a part into why you're postponing your suicide/sabotaging it. or maybe it's the finality of death, or not knowing what comes after it. if it's one of those things, try challenging those thoughts in order to become more comfortable with death.

and not being ready isn't a crime. when your time comes, it'll come. if you aren't 100% sure, even if it's just a little uncertainty, then you don't have to do it.