I had a falling out with my friend

[Toxic Positivity]

I don't talk to a lot of people. One of the only people I talk to in real life, I had a falling out with them. I don't know how to handle conflict, when there are already so few people still regularly in my life. I feel like I latch on too hard and put impossible expectations on them and then they always leave. They always leave when I lash out when I'm in pain and they're the only person there for me to be angry at. I am not afraid of death, I am afraid of aging alone and friendless and I am afraid of meeting new people only for the cycle to continue.

I am so tired of living like this and I cannot stop my old patterns no matter how hard I try. It will be a mercy when I release myself from this life.

 

[Sea Turtle]

I don't talk to a lot of people. One of the only people I talk to in real life, I had a falling out with them. I don't know how to handle conflict, when there are already so few people still regularly in my life. I feel like I latch on too hard and put impossible expectations on them and then they always leave. They always leave when I lash out when I'm in pain and they're the only person there for me to be angry at. I am not afraid of death, I am afraid of aging alone and friendless and I am afraid of meeting new people only for the cycle to continue.

I am so tired of living like this and I cannot stop my old patterns no matter how hard I try. It will be a mercy when I release myself from this life.

Hey. I relate to this a lot. I have really bad patterns and habits and I don't really "friendship" but in the last couple years I had a fallout with my best friend. We didn't speak for a year, but eventually spoke to each other and cleared the air. We also agreed on a "safe word" if one of us just needed to be alone and take a break, so we don't lash out at each other. It's possible to recover relationships, though if you want to try is completely up to you.

Regardless though, I hope you are able to find peace in whatever decision you make

 

[whatevs]

To be honest, this is another aspect of why life can be construed as inherently oppressive. Not only are we forced to sleep, eat, drink, take a shit, clean our teeth and body, exercise, work etc but as intensely social animals we are also pushed by the pain of loneliness into the flames of society, and some of us cannot help but always get burned.

It seems strange and a bit comical at first, saying that friendlessness kills, but it absolutely does. It's a condition that becomes a feedback loop, where time and n amount of friends makes harder and harder to acquire and maintain one. I didn't think of this when I pushed away my highschool friends due to chronic illness.

I was more worried with my suicide-inducing symptoms, and perhaps I wouldn't been able to keep the friendships either way. All I know is that through these friends I made MORE friends on top of met the only girlfriend I ever had. The less friends you have the harder is to make new or keep the ones you have.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

To be honest, this is another aspect of why life can be construed as inherently oppressive. Not only are we forced to sleep, eat, drink, take a shit, clean our teeth and body, exercise, work etc but as intensely social animals we are also pushed by the pain of loneliness into the flames of society, and some of us cannot help but always get burned.

It seems strange and a bit comical at first, saying that friendlessness kills, but it absolutely does. It's a condition that becomes a feedback loop, where time and n amount of friends makes harder and harder to acquire and maintain one. I didn't think of this when I pushed away my highschool friends due to chronic illness.

I was more worried with my suicide-inducing symptoms, and perhaps I wouldn't been able to keep the friendships either way. All I know is that through these friends I made MORE friends on top of met the only girlfriend I ever had. The less friends you have the harder is to make new or keep the ones you have.

where time and n amount of friends

Oh god, I read the 'n' as nembutal. Time to get some sleep.

Great read btw.

 

[FuneralCry]

I am sorry that you are suffering, I know that loneliness can be devastating and painful for many people. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of your life. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I am so sorry for the pain and hurt and loneliness you're experiencing, OP. I could've written your post myself - I do all those same things...and with the same outcomes. And I understand too about stopping old patterns. I wish you peace, friend. I know this post isn't much help or comfort or anything, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

 

[Toxic Positivity]

Hey. I relate to this a lot. I have really bad patterns and habits and I don't really "friendship" but in the last couple years I had a fallout with my best friend. We didn't speak for a year, but eventually spoke to each other and cleared the air. We also agreed on a "safe word" if one of us just needed to be alone and take a break, so we don't lash out at each other. It's possible to recover relationships, though if you want to try is completely up to you.

Regardless though, I hope you are able to find peace in whatever decision you make

Thank you for your comment. I sat with my pain today and realized I had lashed out at my friend because I was hurting, so I apologized. My friend hasn't read the message yet but it felt good to get off my chest and I feel more connected to my humanity by trying to be a better person. I also feel less suicidal after apologizing, too.

 

[Sea Turtle]

Thank you for your comment. I sat with my pain today and realized I had lashed out at my friend because I was hurting, so I apologized. My friend hasn't read the message yet but it felt good to get off my chest and I feel more connected to my humanity by trying to be a better person. I also feel less suicidal after apologizing, too.

That was a good thing to do. I hope you guys are able to work it out or at least have closure to the situation. Wish you the best!