I get angry

[Starfire]

C o n f e s s i o n : 17

I get angry a lot. I get angry for so many reason, and sometimes for nothing. I get angry to everybody. I wanna shout and say hurtful things and walk away. Sometimes, I wanna hurt them.

But I know I'm gonna lose. I feel like I don't have the right to be angry.

I get angry a lot but I'm scared to show them I'm angry.

I'm scared they wouldn't care. I'm scared my feelings aren't important enough to be heard. I'm scared they'd think I went too far. I'm scared they'd think I'm getting angry for a petty reason. I'm scared they would get angry, too. I'm scared I'd walk away and they'd just let me. I'm scared I'd never get them back after.

So I smile. I stay quiet. I suck it all in. I say "it's okay" even if it's not. I give myself a break but not too long because they might think I'm angry and we'd be back to the reasons why I'm scared of getting angry. I find a room and heave a sigh, or cry. I punch the walls, I punch myself, I bruise myself, burn, cut- because I'm angry. I'm angry at everybody but I can't and I'm scared so I get angry at myself 10 times more.

I know that if they truly love you and they truly care, they would understand. But I'm too angry at myself I start to think I'm not someone to be loved and to be cared for. So, I get angry even more.

I am angry to everybody. But mostly to myself.

 

[want2dienow]

I get angry too. It's the stage I'm in now. Why? Because when he puts his hands on me someone whose allowed it to slide for so long, a breaking point is reached.
this is only the surface SS can see. My room I posted earlier is the same room he would

rape me

 

[Tmbass]

Anger is such a horrible emotion to feel. So much regret and ,as you say, if not vented turns to such strong and horrible self loathing.
It's hard to garner sympathy from others too, no one wants to hear it after you lash out. Such an ugly emotion which just leads to hate, loneliness and emptiness.
You have every right to be angry, the fact we're just forced into this bs is in of itself reason to be angry, but I really feel you not being able to show it.
I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I really don't blame you one bit for the anger, I just really hope you find some peace of mind at least once in a while.

 

[HoneyandGlass]

I used to get angry a lot and I would turn that anger on myself. I did not care the damage to me. I felt I must be deserving of it. I would get angry that no one seemed to care enough to try and soften my anger or try to help me understand my anger. What I realised is that sometimes people just don't understand how I think. I feel so different to most people in how my thoughts work. I so badly wanted people to understand but they couldn't as they weren't me. Those who do try to understand I become frightened of as I'm scared of losing them so I withdraw and the anger starts it's cycle of war within.

 

[Starfire]

I used to get angry a lot and I would turn that anger on myself. I did not care the damage to me. I felt I must be deserving of it. I would get angry that no one seemed to care enough to try and soften my anger or try to help me understand my anger. What I realised is that sometimes people just don't understand how I think. I feel so different to most people in how my thoughts work. I so badly wanted people to understand but they couldn't as they weren't me. Those who do try to understand I become frightened of as I'm scared of losing them so I withdraw and the anger starts it's cycle of war within.

I'm sorry you also feel that way. I hope we find the healing we deserve..

 

[HoneyandGlass]

I'm sorry you also feel that way. I hope we find the healing we deserve..

Thank you. I'm sorry you also feel this way. It's difficult to stay quiet sometimes and just smile. Anger is horrible. It's exhausting and just adds to all other bs going on.