tears and vomit
Member
- Aug 21, 2025
- 31
And to clarify yes I'm eighteen. Longish post ahead on everything leading up to ending my life eventually
I totally fucked up my life, and it's all my fault. Now I'm constantly in fear and struggling with depression, and I have no one else to blame but myself.
As a kid, I've always wanted to be an actor. I was super optimistic, thinking I could definitely make it. I asked my parents to put me into classes, and since they're religious, they totally shut down the idea. Eventually, I grew out of that dream.
In 2020, I was depressed, but I've never felt as safe as I did then. I was just a kid during COVID, all relaxed and chilled at home, with no adult responsibilities or worries. Six years later, I'm constantly grieving that time. I even developed anorexia around 2020 to 2021 and was made to go to hospital for being dangerously underweight. But despite that, I've never felt as safe and relaxed as I did during that time, and I'd do anything to go back to it.
In the UK, we have these exams we take at fifteen or sixteen which determine a large part of your life. I don't know why, but I had a big ego and wanted to be better than everyone else, so I wanted to go study outside the country after high school instead of finishing college first like a normal, sane person should.
When I found out I couldn't legally go to another country on my own to study as a minor, I jumped onto the idea that I'd go to Southern California and study there while living with my uncle and his family. My uncle was on board with it, and I really believed I'd go there. He was doing the paperwork, my parents were sending money to him, and I was obsessing over the idea that I'd go there and live the time of my life. I told everyone. All of my friends.
BAD IDEA.
It failed. I still don't know why. Maybe it was the visa regulations, or the fact that I'd have to go to a private school in California to be able to go, and my parents aren't that financially well-off.
When I got the news after I bombed my GCSEs, I totally broke down. I couldn't even study the A levels I wanted because I was too depressed to properly study for my GCSEs. My GCSEs were mediocre. I didn't fail anything. I even got one 8, and 9 is the highest grade, but I got a 4 in Maths, so I couldn't study Biology and Chemistry at A level.
So I decided to take a gap year to resit Maths GCSE, and I basically lied to my friends that I went to America because I was too ashamed to admit that I had failed everything. I blocked everyone and basically locked myself inside my room. I never went outside my house. I basically turned into a NEET and I just never left my house because I was afraid of being seen by someone I knew
And I was still stupidly trying to find a way to do an exchange year in the States, so I fell into a major depression and developed BED. I had bulimia, but I was too depressed to actually throw up the food, so I ended up gaining fifty pounds. I'd never felt more insecure. I just spent my time crying and sleeping and trying to figure out what I was going to do instead of studying for my resit.
My mom was always mad at me, and she fell into depression because I basically dropped out in a way, I guess. I remember how she would say that on the way to work, she'd see students going to college or sixth form and she'd just cry in her car because of me.
And yeah, it's all my fault.
That year was the worst year for my parents too. They were trying to buy a house, and their lawyer bailed on them, so they ended up having to pay an extra fifteen thousand to deal with the mortgage or something on the house, which they really struggled with. My dad had a mini-stroke, and my mom was constantly struggling with stomach pain. And I was just there, being a failure of a daughter.
It makes me really sad because, up until then, like in Year 10, I was doing super well. I was getting nines in my GCSEs for science, and we really thought I'd do something good, or that I'd grow up to be someone who was doing well.
And I have no one else to blame but myself. I know. I tried attempting loads in that year once with olanzapine and then with me trying to half hang myself with a bathrobe belt yeah I know they were stupid attempts that did not work
Anyway, a month before the resit, I got my shit together, and I ended up with a grade 7, an A in Chemistry, and a 5, sadly, in Maths. You need a 6 to do science at A level, and I had only applied to this private sixth form which my parents tried to get funding for but failed. However, I managed to find a college that would let me sit Chemistry and Biology with a grade 5 in Maths. Actually a month before results were going to plan out I was fully planning on taking my life because I thought I was going to do subjects I did not want to take and overall I hated my life and was just not doing well so when results came out that's when I made my account on here.
What's even more funny was that on the first day of school, they had to re-enrol me because they messed up my application. I was in extreme distress because I thought I didn't get in and thought I had to do some random essay subjects I didn't want to do at another sixth form. But they fixed it, and now I'm doing Biology and Chemistry A level.
Anyway, I was super depressed, but to cope, I faked my whole identity because I was so ashamed of having to take a gap year. I lied to everyone, saying I did a year in California even though I never stepped foot in California. I legit had a full American accent, and I'd always talk about or basically lie about everything I did there.
I did it throughout the year, to the point that I actually believed I was American.
WTF.
I don't know why I did that, and I'm so ashamed and embarrassed overall.
I had a major hit of realization that I'd basically faked everything about myself, and I'd never get accepted into a college in the United States because I'm poor and I'm not even American or special enough to get a scholarship. I just broke down. I'm super ashamed.
I forgot to mention how, before my Maths and Chemistry results came out, I was in an extremely dark place and had made serious plans to end my life. I had several dangerous incidents in that period, but none of them went the way I intended.
So I failed my first set of mocks because I thought I was going to get into any university I wanted anyway. Then, for some reason, in January, I fully believed I could do something if I did well on my next set of mocks, partly because my teacher threatened that they'd kick me out if I failed any more mocks.
Soooo I legit worked my ass off. Throughout all my breaks, I'd do nothing but study. Was I super scared? Deffo. I'd throw up before every exam, and I was struggling badly with my eating disorder at this time, but I managed to lose a bit of weight with that at least, and it paid off.
I got As in everything except Chemistry, but Chemistry has super high grade boundaries, so whatever. I also entered myself into a Cambridge Chemistry competition, which I got a gold in, but I haven't got my certificate for that yet despite asking my teacher to keep checking, so I'm really sad about that.
But anyway, now it's just hit me that I've ruined my life.
I want to do Medicine or Dentistry. I hate working, so I want to at least do something that will pay. I don't want to apply for something that will pay me less money, and I still really, really want to move to the United States.
Yeah, I know I sound fucking stupid.
But my GCSEs are mediocre. No medical school is going to accept me in the UK. I thought maybe Ireland, because they only weigh your A levels, but I don't know if my gap year will make them reject me. I spent all day emailing every university over there about Medicine to ask if I'd get rejected because of it, so I guess I'm really sad about that.
I was planning on studying Medicine, then moving to the States, doing the exams over there to get qualified, then doing residency for four years, and finally getting a job over there and living out my life.
Will I be in my late twenties by this point?
Sadly, yeah.
But it's the only option. My family's too poor to send me to the United States for college or medical school, or to Europe, where they don't really look at your GCSEs. So I'm super depressed about that. I might have to take a gap year to get into Medicine, which neither my parents nor I are happy about.
And it's all my fault.
I'm constantly sick every day, and I can't even study for the UCAT or my September mocks because I genuinely think it's over for me.
I hate my life, and I hate myself. I hate my face. I've lied about everything, and I just want everything to go back to the way it was. I never thought my life could get this bad, but somehow every year gets even worse. I'm probably going to end up in some uni I don't like and with some job I'd be forced to work everyday that I hate just to make ends meet. There's no point
I'm super depressed, and I can't be angry at anyone other than myself. I'm super ashamed. I'm just a fucking loser, and I just cry all day.
This might sound dramatic or stupid to some of you but I'm really in extreme pain everyday I'm constantly sick I cant do it anymore.
I just want everything to go back to the way it was.
I totally fucked up my life, and it's all my fault. Now I'm constantly in fear and struggling with depression, and I have no one else to blame but myself.
As a kid, I've always wanted to be an actor. I was super optimistic, thinking I could definitely make it. I asked my parents to put me into classes, and since they're religious, they totally shut down the idea. Eventually, I grew out of that dream.
In 2020, I was depressed, but I've never felt as safe as I did then. I was just a kid during COVID, all relaxed and chilled at home, with no adult responsibilities or worries. Six years later, I'm constantly grieving that time. I even developed anorexia around 2020 to 2021 and was made to go to hospital for being dangerously underweight. But despite that, I've never felt as safe and relaxed as I did during that time, and I'd do anything to go back to it.
In the UK, we have these exams we take at fifteen or sixteen which determine a large part of your life. I don't know why, but I had a big ego and wanted to be better than everyone else, so I wanted to go study outside the country after high school instead of finishing college first like a normal, sane person should.
When I found out I couldn't legally go to another country on my own to study as a minor, I jumped onto the idea that I'd go to Southern California and study there while living with my uncle and his family. My uncle was on board with it, and I really believed I'd go there. He was doing the paperwork, my parents were sending money to him, and I was obsessing over the idea that I'd go there and live the time of my life. I told everyone. All of my friends.
BAD IDEA.
It failed. I still don't know why. Maybe it was the visa regulations, or the fact that I'd have to go to a private school in California to be able to go, and my parents aren't that financially well-off.
When I got the news after I bombed my GCSEs, I totally broke down. I couldn't even study the A levels I wanted because I was too depressed to properly study for my GCSEs. My GCSEs were mediocre. I didn't fail anything. I even got one 8, and 9 is the highest grade, but I got a 4 in Maths, so I couldn't study Biology and Chemistry at A level.
So I decided to take a gap year to resit Maths GCSE, and I basically lied to my friends that I went to America because I was too ashamed to admit that I had failed everything. I blocked everyone and basically locked myself inside my room. I never went outside my house. I basically turned into a NEET and I just never left my house because I was afraid of being seen by someone I knew
And I was still stupidly trying to find a way to do an exchange year in the States, so I fell into a major depression and developed BED. I had bulimia, but I was too depressed to actually throw up the food, so I ended up gaining fifty pounds. I'd never felt more insecure. I just spent my time crying and sleeping and trying to figure out what I was going to do instead of studying for my resit.
My mom was always mad at me, and she fell into depression because I basically dropped out in a way, I guess. I remember how she would say that on the way to work, she'd see students going to college or sixth form and she'd just cry in her car because of me.
And yeah, it's all my fault.
That year was the worst year for my parents too. They were trying to buy a house, and their lawyer bailed on them, so they ended up having to pay an extra fifteen thousand to deal with the mortgage or something on the house, which they really struggled with. My dad had a mini-stroke, and my mom was constantly struggling with stomach pain. And I was just there, being a failure of a daughter.
It makes me really sad because, up until then, like in Year 10, I was doing super well. I was getting nines in my GCSEs for science, and we really thought I'd do something good, or that I'd grow up to be someone who was doing well.
And I have no one else to blame but myself. I know. I tried attempting loads in that year once with olanzapine and then with me trying to half hang myself with a bathrobe belt yeah I know they were stupid attempts that did not work
Anyway, a month before the resit, I got my shit together, and I ended up with a grade 7, an A in Chemistry, and a 5, sadly, in Maths. You need a 6 to do science at A level, and I had only applied to this private sixth form which my parents tried to get funding for but failed. However, I managed to find a college that would let me sit Chemistry and Biology with a grade 5 in Maths. Actually a month before results were going to plan out I was fully planning on taking my life because I thought I was going to do subjects I did not want to take and overall I hated my life and was just not doing well so when results came out that's when I made my account on here.
What's even more funny was that on the first day of school, they had to re-enrol me because they messed up my application. I was in extreme distress because I thought I didn't get in and thought I had to do some random essay subjects I didn't want to do at another sixth form. But they fixed it, and now I'm doing Biology and Chemistry A level.
Anyway, I was super depressed, but to cope, I faked my whole identity because I was so ashamed of having to take a gap year. I lied to everyone, saying I did a year in California even though I never stepped foot in California. I legit had a full American accent, and I'd always talk about or basically lie about everything I did there.
I did it throughout the year, to the point that I actually believed I was American.
WTF.
I don't know why I did that, and I'm so ashamed and embarrassed overall.
I had a major hit of realization that I'd basically faked everything about myself, and I'd never get accepted into a college in the United States because I'm poor and I'm not even American or special enough to get a scholarship. I just broke down. I'm super ashamed.
I forgot to mention how, before my Maths and Chemistry results came out, I was in an extremely dark place and had made serious plans to end my life. I had several dangerous incidents in that period, but none of them went the way I intended.
So I failed my first set of mocks because I thought I was going to get into any university I wanted anyway. Then, for some reason, in January, I fully believed I could do something if I did well on my next set of mocks, partly because my teacher threatened that they'd kick me out if I failed any more mocks.
Soooo I legit worked my ass off. Throughout all my breaks, I'd do nothing but study. Was I super scared? Deffo. I'd throw up before every exam, and I was struggling badly with my eating disorder at this time, but I managed to lose a bit of weight with that at least, and it paid off.
I got As in everything except Chemistry, but Chemistry has super high grade boundaries, so whatever. I also entered myself into a Cambridge Chemistry competition, which I got a gold in, but I haven't got my certificate for that yet despite asking my teacher to keep checking, so I'm really sad about that.
But anyway, now it's just hit me that I've ruined my life.
I want to do Medicine or Dentistry. I hate working, so I want to at least do something that will pay. I don't want to apply for something that will pay me less money, and I still really, really want to move to the United States.
Yeah, I know I sound fucking stupid.
But my GCSEs are mediocre. No medical school is going to accept me in the UK. I thought maybe Ireland, because they only weigh your A levels, but I don't know if my gap year will make them reject me. I spent all day emailing every university over there about Medicine to ask if I'd get rejected because of it, so I guess I'm really sad about that.
I was planning on studying Medicine, then moving to the States, doing the exams over there to get qualified, then doing residency for four years, and finally getting a job over there and living out my life.
Will I be in my late twenties by this point?
Sadly, yeah.
But it's the only option. My family's too poor to send me to the United States for college or medical school, or to Europe, where they don't really look at your GCSEs. So I'm super depressed about that. I might have to take a gap year to get into Medicine, which neither my parents nor I are happy about.
And it's all my fault.
I'm constantly sick every day, and I can't even study for the UCAT or my September mocks because I genuinely think it's over for me.
I hate my life, and I hate myself. I hate my face. I've lied about everything, and I just want everything to go back to the way it was. I never thought my life could get this bad, but somehow every year gets even worse. I'm probably going to end up in some uni I don't like and with some job I'd be forced to work everyday that I hate just to make ends meet. There's no point
I'm super depressed, and I can't be angry at anyone other than myself. I'm super ashamed. I'm just a fucking loser, and I just cry all day.
This might sound dramatic or stupid to some of you but I'm really in extreme pain everyday I'm constantly sick I cant do it anymore.
I just want everything to go back to the way it was.
